You Leave In December
Title: You Leave In December [S/A]
Author: Livi fuckregrets
Rating: R
POV: First
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat
Summary: You see it was a year ago today that my lover, boyfriend whatever you want to call him disappeared without a trace.
Disclaimer: This did not happen.
Title and cute credit it to: The Maine - Saving Grace
A/N: Sorry for not having anything updated in awhile; I have a lot of things going on. I started writing this yesterday hence the date but only finished it today. I'm not too sure on it. Tumblr
The soft snow crunched underneath my heavy feet, small snowflakes falling around me as I continued to walk across the small park near my home.
Today’s date is 1st December, twenty four days until Christmas; a time to spend with family friends and loved ones. Well supposedly at least.
You see it was a year ago today that my lover, boyfriend whatever you want to call him disappeared without a trace.
No one knew where he went or anything and still to this day no one knows where he is. And still to this day I will not give up on looking for him; we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old with each other. It’s what we planned.
One day we were meant to get married to each other, even adopt kids because we wanted a family. I won’t give up hope on him.
My friends think I’m crazy for not moving on even though it has been a year, to be honest I don’t want to move on because moving on is like giving up hope of finding him again and I don’t want that. I want him back; that’s all I want.
Moving on also felt like I was cheating as well and besides I never loved anyone like I loved him or love should I say. People just fail to see that I guess.
I would look at other guys and none of them would catch my eye, not like he did back in High School and maybe that is a good thing because from that moment I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else.
And I still don’t. He is the only one for me.
As I walk I begin to wonder what he would look like now, would he still be the same as I last saw him on that night? Or would his hair be different. Many possibilities run through my head with each step I take.
I let out a sigh and see my own breath thanks to the freezing temperature, my mother said I shouldn’t be going out when it’s this cold because I could catch a cold or something but to be honest I don’t care. Catching a cold is nothing and anyway she won’t understand that walking is going to clear my mind and regardless of the weather. Not that it’s going to stop me in the slightest.
I laugh to myself as I think about my mother, when she first heard that he had gone missing she didn’t have a reaction or any comforting words to give me. In fact she just didn’t care at all, and that broke my heart.
My own mother didn’t care that the person I cared about the most had gone missing, what kind of mother does that? Aren’t mothers meant to do the complete opposite?
Obviously not my mother.
But enough about my mother, I don’t talk to her much these days and all in good reason, at times I wish I could talk to my father but I can’t. He died a few days after I turned twenty two. I’ll be twenty three in a few weeks and I must admit it’s going to be weird not having my father there to celebrate it with us or him in fact.
Looks Like I’ll be spending my birthday alone this year.
You know I don’t think I’ll celebrate my birthday this year, it wouldn’t feel right without my father being there or him. It would feel so wrong to do anything like that, I think I would just sit in my apartment watching Home Alone over and over again just because it’s his favourite film and it reminds me of him.
But then again everything reminds me of him; not that I’m complaining or anything.
I just miss him.
I looked around at my surroundings a small smile grace my lips as I saw the bench that me and him always sat on; we called it our bench as we had never ever seen anyone else sit on it. I promised him that if he was to die when he was older that I would get our names put on that bench so that everyone would know who we were and who he was. He said that would be a perfect thing to do.
I walk over to our bench and sit down on it, not bothered by the snow at all; I close my eyes as I listen to the perfect silence of the park. I’ve grown use to the silence that surrounds me, it’s peacefully and I have nothing to complain about it.
It’s just like he’s taken all the sound with him and left me with nothing but the silence. I hope that one day he comes back home; just to make everything better.
Just to hold me in his arms and never let me go, I want him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear; I want him to recite every single word from the Home Alone films like his does.
I miss his toothy grin and the way his smile could light up any room without even trying. Man my list could go on forever but I just want him back.
I never thought I needed anyone so much in my life like I needed him.
If anyone else knew how much I needed him, they would call me pathetic.
I close my eyes, the whiteness of the snow starting too blind me like a bright stage over head or when you look up to the sun without any sunglasses on. That sort of brightness.
I don’t know what time it is, I refuse to pull my iPhone and have look.
Looking at the time just means that it’s another hour, minute and second to add to his disappearance. I don’t think I can add them on anymore because it makes every feel real again, and I can’t do that.
I refuse to do it.
I can’t deal with the pain again, because I know that this time it will be much harder than it was the first time round.
I rather keep the pain at the back of my head where it’s locked up and I won’t access that part unless I let the walls break down that
I’ve built up to protect myself from it.
It protects me from remembering that night and the days that followed. I can’t have another repeat of that because this time I think I’ll just go mad. And that’s not what I want.
This past year has been hell but then again hell is an understatement to what it’s been like, I just can’t think of another word to describe it.
There hasn’t been time where I have smiled and actually meant it.
It’s all be fake smiles here and there because no one wants to know how you’re actually feeling because they don’t actually care.
When people ask you are you okay, they don’t want to know anything, they just want a lie. You’re meant to fake a smile and say you’re fine and carry on like everything is normal even if everything is crumbling down around you and you can’t do anything to stop it.
I mean we’re all actors on a stage.
We are so fake that half the time we don’t know who we are anymore because there are just layers and layers of fakeness that just covers our enter bodies.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
All I know is that I was someone with him.
Whenever I was with him I didn’t have this façade up, I didn’t cover up who I really was.
I was real because what we had was real and I loved that about it.
And now we have nothing, because he’s not even here.
I sigh to myself again and slowly open my eyes again blinking as I get used to the whiteness of the snow again.
I looked around my surroundings until my eyes stop at one of the corners of the small park, and all I see is a dark figure that is just standing there looking over in my direction.
I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t freak me out because it does.
I’ve never liked people staring at me or anything of the sort.
At times when people stare at me it feels like I’m being examined under a microscope or people are judging me in their head.
I hate it.
I shake my head and turn my attention to back in front of me, maybe if I do this then the person will get bored and start to walk away.
But I know deep down that will never happen because in the next few minutes I hear the snow from where they are standing start to crunch underneath their feet.
I cringe to myself at the sound of it because it just freaks me out; it sounds like you’re stepping on bones half the time.
I bite down on my lower lip as I wait nervously for the person to either walk by me or come over to me. I just hope that it’s option one because now is not the right time to have company.
Even if they’re some serial killer or something.
Today is just not the day okay?
I quickly glance over my shoulder and the dark figure but this time I see that they’re only five feet away from me.
I can feel my heart beat quicken in my chest and it feels like that it wants to break my ribs at any moment and I hate it.
I take a deep breath as I get to my feet slowly and turn round to face whoever it is.
The bench seems to be my only protection right now and I’m not okay with that.
The figure sighs to itself as they take down their hood and scarf to reveal their identity to me.
I count the seconds in my head and press my hands together tightly as I prepare myself to whoever it is.
But the one thing I wasn’t expecting was to see the face of him.
The one person I have missed for the past year.
I stand where I am completely glued to the snow unable to move. Is this real? Or am I just hallucinating?
It couldn’t have been seconds or minutes until I let out a breath that
I didn’t know I was holding.
I blink a few times before I somehow manage to move my feet so that I can walk over to him and to actually make sure that it is him.
My legs are shaking as I finally stand two feet in front of him.
I take a deep breath as I marvel over his facial features; his face looks gaunt and pale. There are purple circles under his eyes indicating that he hasn’t been sleeping; his cheek bones jut out more than what they used to do.
But it is him.
It’s my Jack.
He came back to me. He came home.
I close the small distance between us and wrap my arms around his waist hugging him tightly to me. I breathe in heavily of his scent that hasn’t so much changed since I last saw him.
After I few minutes I pull away to look at him again.
“W-Where have you been?” I stutter out as a small tear made it’s way down my cheek. Either from happiness of seeing him again or sadness I do not know.
Jack stood there for a few minutes before he answered, he cleared his throat and looked down at the young man in front of him.
“I’ve been in Toronto.” Was all he said back, I shook my head as I rested it against his chest and closed my eyes once again.
“Why didn’t you call? Why did you leave me Jack? Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?” I shouted at him but it came out muffled and not as strong as I liked it to have been.
I hear Jack sigh to himself as he let his arms wrap around me and gave me a light squeeze.
“I-I was just scared Alex, I was scared that you didn’t love me anymore so I left without telling anyone anything. And I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me.” He whispered to me as he rested his head on top of mine.
I could feel his breath on my hair and it bought a small smile to my lips.
“I’m here now though Alex and I promise you that I’m not going anywhere.” He continued in a small whisper.
I lifted my head up to look up at him and move my arms from around him to place my hands on either side of his face.
“I know you are.” I whispered to him and lent up on my tip toes to press my lips to his cold ones.
I felt him shiver slightly but he kissed me back with the same old passion that we had before he left.
I felt his hands roam up and down my back in a soothing motion before he pulled away from me. A slight smile on his face.
“Come on Lex, let’s get out of the cold and go back home. You look like you need warming up with a cup of hot chocolate.” He said softly and moved to grab my hands.
I nodded once and gripped his hand tightly as we started to make our way towards the entrance of the park.
And deep down I knew that things were going to get better again because Jack was back.
All in all I never felt so happy in my life.
Author: Livi fuckregrets
Rating: R
POV: First
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat
Summary: You see it was a year ago today that my lover, boyfriend whatever you want to call him disappeared without a trace.
Disclaimer: This did not happen.
Title and cute credit it to: The Maine - Saving Grace
A/N: Sorry for not having anything updated in awhile; I have a lot of things going on. I started writing this yesterday hence the date but only finished it today. I'm not too sure on it. Tumblr
The soft snow crunched underneath my heavy feet, small snowflakes falling around me as I continued to walk across the small park near my home.
Today’s date is 1st December, twenty four days until Christmas; a time to spend with family friends and loved ones. Well supposedly at least.
You see it was a year ago today that my lover, boyfriend whatever you want to call him disappeared without a trace.
No one knew where he went or anything and still to this day no one knows where he is. And still to this day I will not give up on looking for him; we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old with each other. It’s what we planned.
One day we were meant to get married to each other, even adopt kids because we wanted a family. I won’t give up hope on him.
My friends think I’m crazy for not moving on even though it has been a year, to be honest I don’t want to move on because moving on is like giving up hope of finding him again and I don’t want that. I want him back; that’s all I want.
Moving on also felt like I was cheating as well and besides I never loved anyone like I loved him or love should I say. People just fail to see that I guess.
I would look at other guys and none of them would catch my eye, not like he did back in High School and maybe that is a good thing because from that moment I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else.
And I still don’t. He is the only one for me.
As I walk I begin to wonder what he would look like now, would he still be the same as I last saw him on that night? Or would his hair be different. Many possibilities run through my head with each step I take.
I let out a sigh and see my own breath thanks to the freezing temperature, my mother said I shouldn’t be going out when it’s this cold because I could catch a cold or something but to be honest I don’t care. Catching a cold is nothing and anyway she won’t understand that walking is going to clear my mind and regardless of the weather. Not that it’s going to stop me in the slightest.
I laugh to myself as I think about my mother, when she first heard that he had gone missing she didn’t have a reaction or any comforting words to give me. In fact she just didn’t care at all, and that broke my heart.
My own mother didn’t care that the person I cared about the most had gone missing, what kind of mother does that? Aren’t mothers meant to do the complete opposite?
Obviously not my mother.
But enough about my mother, I don’t talk to her much these days and all in good reason, at times I wish I could talk to my father but I can’t. He died a few days after I turned twenty two. I’ll be twenty three in a few weeks and I must admit it’s going to be weird not having my father there to celebrate it with us or him in fact.
Looks Like I’ll be spending my birthday alone this year.
You know I don’t think I’ll celebrate my birthday this year, it wouldn’t feel right without my father being there or him. It would feel so wrong to do anything like that, I think I would just sit in my apartment watching Home Alone over and over again just because it’s his favourite film and it reminds me of him.
But then again everything reminds me of him; not that I’m complaining or anything.
I just miss him.
I looked around at my surroundings a small smile grace my lips as I saw the bench that me and him always sat on; we called it our bench as we had never ever seen anyone else sit on it. I promised him that if he was to die when he was older that I would get our names put on that bench so that everyone would know who we were and who he was. He said that would be a perfect thing to do.
I walk over to our bench and sit down on it, not bothered by the snow at all; I close my eyes as I listen to the perfect silence of the park. I’ve grown use to the silence that surrounds me, it’s peacefully and I have nothing to complain about it.
It’s just like he’s taken all the sound with him and left me with nothing but the silence. I hope that one day he comes back home; just to make everything better.
Just to hold me in his arms and never let me go, I want him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear; I want him to recite every single word from the Home Alone films like his does.
I miss his toothy grin and the way his smile could light up any room without even trying. Man my list could go on forever but I just want him back.
I never thought I needed anyone so much in my life like I needed him.
If anyone else knew how much I needed him, they would call me pathetic.
I close my eyes, the whiteness of the snow starting too blind me like a bright stage over head or when you look up to the sun without any sunglasses on. That sort of brightness.
I don’t know what time it is, I refuse to pull my iPhone and have look.
Looking at the time just means that it’s another hour, minute and second to add to his disappearance. I don’t think I can add them on anymore because it makes every feel real again, and I can’t do that.
I refuse to do it.
I can’t deal with the pain again, because I know that this time it will be much harder than it was the first time round.
I rather keep the pain at the back of my head where it’s locked up and I won’t access that part unless I let the walls break down that
I’ve built up to protect myself from it.
It protects me from remembering that night and the days that followed. I can’t have another repeat of that because this time I think I’ll just go mad. And that’s not what I want.
This past year has been hell but then again hell is an understatement to what it’s been like, I just can’t think of another word to describe it.
There hasn’t been time where I have smiled and actually meant it.
It’s all be fake smiles here and there because no one wants to know how you’re actually feeling because they don’t actually care.
When people ask you are you okay, they don’t want to know anything, they just want a lie. You’re meant to fake a smile and say you’re fine and carry on like everything is normal even if everything is crumbling down around you and you can’t do anything to stop it.
I mean we’re all actors on a stage.
We are so fake that half the time we don’t know who we are anymore because there are just layers and layers of fakeness that just covers our enter bodies.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
All I know is that I was someone with him.
Whenever I was with him I didn’t have this façade up, I didn’t cover up who I really was.
I was real because what we had was real and I loved that about it.
And now we have nothing, because he’s not even here.
I sigh to myself again and slowly open my eyes again blinking as I get used to the whiteness of the snow again.
I looked around my surroundings until my eyes stop at one of the corners of the small park, and all I see is a dark figure that is just standing there looking over in my direction.
I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t freak me out because it does.
I’ve never liked people staring at me or anything of the sort.
At times when people stare at me it feels like I’m being examined under a microscope or people are judging me in their head.
I hate it.
I shake my head and turn my attention to back in front of me, maybe if I do this then the person will get bored and start to walk away.
But I know deep down that will never happen because in the next few minutes I hear the snow from where they are standing start to crunch underneath their feet.
I cringe to myself at the sound of it because it just freaks me out; it sounds like you’re stepping on bones half the time.
I bite down on my lower lip as I wait nervously for the person to either walk by me or come over to me. I just hope that it’s option one because now is not the right time to have company.
Even if they’re some serial killer or something.
Today is just not the day okay?
I quickly glance over my shoulder and the dark figure but this time I see that they’re only five feet away from me.
I can feel my heart beat quicken in my chest and it feels like that it wants to break my ribs at any moment and I hate it.
I take a deep breath as I get to my feet slowly and turn round to face whoever it is.
The bench seems to be my only protection right now and I’m not okay with that.
The figure sighs to itself as they take down their hood and scarf to reveal their identity to me.
I count the seconds in my head and press my hands together tightly as I prepare myself to whoever it is.
But the one thing I wasn’t expecting was to see the face of him.
The one person I have missed for the past year.
I stand where I am completely glued to the snow unable to move. Is this real? Or am I just hallucinating?
It couldn’t have been seconds or minutes until I let out a breath that
I didn’t know I was holding.
I blink a few times before I somehow manage to move my feet so that I can walk over to him and to actually make sure that it is him.
My legs are shaking as I finally stand two feet in front of him.
I take a deep breath as I marvel over his facial features; his face looks gaunt and pale. There are purple circles under his eyes indicating that he hasn’t been sleeping; his cheek bones jut out more than what they used to do.
But it is him.
It’s my Jack.
He came back to me. He came home.
I close the small distance between us and wrap my arms around his waist hugging him tightly to me. I breathe in heavily of his scent that hasn’t so much changed since I last saw him.
After I few minutes I pull away to look at him again.
“W-Where have you been?” I stutter out as a small tear made it’s way down my cheek. Either from happiness of seeing him again or sadness I do not know.
Jack stood there for a few minutes before he answered, he cleared his throat and looked down at the young man in front of him.
“I’ve been in Toronto.” Was all he said back, I shook my head as I rested it against his chest and closed my eyes once again.
“Why didn’t you call? Why did you leave me Jack? Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?” I shouted at him but it came out muffled and not as strong as I liked it to have been.
I hear Jack sigh to himself as he let his arms wrap around me and gave me a light squeeze.
“I-I was just scared Alex, I was scared that you didn’t love me anymore so I left without telling anyone anything. And I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me.” He whispered to me as he rested his head on top of mine.
I could feel his breath on my hair and it bought a small smile to my lips.
“I’m here now though Alex and I promise you that I’m not going anywhere.” He continued in a small whisper.
I lifted my head up to look up at him and move my arms from around him to place my hands on either side of his face.
“I know you are.” I whispered to him and lent up on my tip toes to press my lips to his cold ones.
I felt him shiver slightly but he kissed me back with the same old passion that we had before he left.
I felt his hands roam up and down my back in a soothing motion before he pulled away from me. A slight smile on his face.
“Come on Lex, let’s get out of the cold and go back home. You look like you need warming up with a cup of hot chocolate.” He said softly and moved to grab my hands.
I nodded once and gripped his hand tightly as we started to make our way towards the entrance of the park.
And deep down I knew that things were going to get better again because Jack was back.
All in all I never felt so happy in my life.