From a Child's Eyes (Part 1 of 3)
Title: From a Child's Eyes
Age group: 15+
Author: Bec
Pairing: Jack and Alex
Summary: Kids are strong but sometimes they can't hold up. Jack is merely a child in his mind and Alex is his only comfort; but how much longer can Alex deal with Jack's reliance?
Warning: Contains content that may discomfort readers.
Disclaimer: The only thing that belongs to me is the storyline. I swear none of this is real!
Note: Yes I am still writing Lay Your Halo on This Pillow, I've just had this on my laptop and I decided to add to it and post it. It won't be everyone's cup of tea, just letting you know :/
A sharp back hand to the cheek sent Jack staggering as he flinched away from Alex’s angered face. “You’re hopeless, totally useless!” shouted Alex harshly. Jack backed away with tears forming in his eyes. Why him? Why now? He’d lived through enough of this already. Alex kept coming towards him with his voice getting more and more filled with hatred at each word. “I hate you, Jack! I’d be glad if you go killed yourself!” Tears rolled down Jack’s cheeks as Alex struck him again across the face.
Jack’s eyes shot open and what he saw was his empty bedroom lit up in the dark by a nightlight. On the walls were his many band posters but everything was blurry as Jack cried because of the nightmare. It wasn’t real. Alex would never hurt him or say things as horrible as that. Though they were both only of sixteen years they had been through a lot.
Knowing what to do, Jack flicked on his lamp and grabbed his phone. He dialled Alex’s mobile and pressed the phone to his ear while still in tears. “Hey Jack...” answered Alex sleepily. It would’ve been around 3 AM. Jack sobbed a hushed greeting that was barely understandable.
“Hey man, are you alright?’ asked Alex in concern.
Jack wiped at his tears. “I had another nightmare about you.”
“Just remember that it’s not real and that I wouldn’t do anything like that no matter what. I love you and care for you as much as I do for my family.”
Even though Alex couldn’t see, Jack nodded. “I know...”
Alex hesitated for a moment. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be alright.”
“That’s good. I love you, Jack.”
“I love you too.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Try to get some more sleep.”
“I will. Bye.”
“See you in the morning.”
Jack hung up and placed his phone back on the bedside table before settling back into bed and wiping his damp face with the sheets. He switched off the lamp, cuddled his toy giraffe and tried to think of all the amazing things he and Alex had done since they first began talking. That was all real, there was nothing for him to fear anymore but it was still sometimes almost too hard to live like this.
..........
The nightmares had flooded Jack for the rest of the night and by five in the morning he just gave up entirely on sleep. He knew it was his decrease in medication that was causing the nightmares but he didn’t need the strong medication as much anymore now that he was happy with Alex and his mental health had partially improved. But now with the reduction in medication Jack was suffering without it. He was always on the verge of a breakdown but he held strong and distracted himself by asking for Alex to hold him or blasting his iPod if he was home with just his carer Magenta.
As Jack walked to school with his head lowered in tiredness and sadness, he passed through the park wishing there was a way out of this. “Hey kid!” called a voice. Jack turned towards where he heard the voice and stopped walking.
Alex’s P.O.V
The morning assembly was almost over and Jack still hadn’t turned up yet. Alex looked around anxiously, Jack had had a bad night, what if he did something reckless? No, he wouldn’t do that. Jack was past that now... supposedly. Alex knew that Jack wasn’t taking as much of his medication anymore but it was doing more harm than good. Maybe Jack had gone too far... Alex pinched himself roughly, how could he even think for a moment that Jack would take his life? Especially after how much he’d learnt about him and how much they trusted and loved each other.
After the assembly finished, Alex rushed around to the front of the school where, to his relief, Jack was sitting on the bench running along the wall of the building with his folder clutched to his chest. Alex went to him and went to put an arm around him but Jack flinched back and threw Alex an unexpected frown which quickly disappeared when he realised who it was. “Jack, are you okay?” asked Alex carefully. Jack nodded as he rose to his feet but looked to be in one of his quiet moods.
They started to make their way to Music, Alex offered his hand to Jack to hold but Jack shook his head and tightened his fist inside the sleeve of his jacket. Something was wrong, it was obvious. Why had he been late? Why was he acting so unusual? Jack had actually displayed a frown, he never did that. Maybe Alex was just overreacting, he had a tendency to do that.
..........
All during Music Jack didn’t say a word and he rarely even looked at Alex. Through the rest of the lessons Alex kept worrying himself over Jack. He was dying knowing that there was something wrong but not being able to do anything about it or even knowing what exactly it was about. At recess Jack didn’t come to Alex’s group of friends so Alex went off to find him. He found Jack at the front of the school again listening to his iPod with a small stick in his hand.
Alex sat beside him as Jack took out a headphone and said hello. Alex greeted him back and noticed how tense Jack was. He was hardly able to sit completely still and was snapping the stick at a fast pace. Once he was done with one stick, Jack leant down to pick up another and started snapping that one too. Alex had never seen Jack act like this, even when he was stressing he wasn’t jittery and fidgety. Alex began to wonder if he’d done something that had upset him.
Dragging Alex from his thoughts, Jack made a frustrated noise and tossed away the stick with yet another frown on his face. “Jack, what’s wrong?” Alex asked hoping for an answer this time. Jack sighed sharply, “I feel really agitated.” Jack started cracking his knuckles but soon stopped to just make fists instead. “About what?” Alex cautiously watched on as Jack started to take deeper breaths to settle himself down. “I don’t know. I’m just agitated.”
..........
Alex headed to lunch passing the front of the school expecting Jack to be there again but he wasn’t. Alex continued on his way to his group of friends to then find Jack there. What he wasn’t expecting was to see Jack smiling and all of Alex’s friends laughing along with him. Alex wandered up to Jack with puzzlement streaked across his face. Before he could say a thing, Jack spoke first, “Alex... You sir, are one cool possum.” Jack didn’t even give Alex time to respond to that, he pulled him into a kiss that confused Alex even further.
Jack’s change in mood had caught Alex very off guard, since when was Jack comfortable to kiss him in front of a crowd? Jack ended the kiss and turned back to the several other guys that were there, “See, I told you I’d do it.” Jack got a round of applause and he then took off with Rian and hopped up onto a handrail to balance. Alex watched as Jack gripped the roof above him and swung from it cheering ‘sex, drugs and rock and roll’ over and over again.
Zack appeared at Alex’s side, “I’ve never seen Jack like this. I’m pretty sure he’s the best guy you’ve ever gone out with.” Alex met Zack’s eyes, “I’m surprised that he’s like this too. Sure he has his moments but they’re never this... crazy.” Alex raised an eyebrow as Jack let go of the roof and ran over to a tree, “Hey Rian,” he called “This is my bitch.” Jack then started to hump the tree. Alex faced Zack again who was grinning at Jack’s antics, “Dude, this guy must be so high right now. I don’t think it’d be good for him to go to class after lunch has finished. He’d probably drive the teachers insane.” Alex frowned in disapproval at Zack’s remark.
..........
It was a good thing Jack had a free period after lunch because he most certainly was too out of control to go to class. He was almost making himself sick from laughing so much at nothing and looked much too out of it. Alex had been glad though that Jack was no longer feeling irritable and seemed to have forgotten about his depression and lack of medication. Maybe he was using his hidden wild side as a distraction.
Alex sat in Chemistry with Zack laughing and talking shit about the little cartoons that were in the textbook. There was a knock on the door and in walked the year eight school service kid holding one of the blue notes that either meant someone was going to the Deputy Principal or the front office. The school service person handed the teacher the note and left. “Alex.” called the teacher as he held out the note towards him.
Alex got up from his seat and had a look, the note said he had to go to the front office as soon as convenient. “So what’s it gonna be, suspension or are you getting expelled?” asked the teacher with a laugh. Alex smiled at him, “I dunno, I guess I’m gonna find out soon enough.” Alex then left the classroom and made his way to the front office. He thought about why he would be called up there, he hadn’t done anything wrong and he’d already sent in all his subject paperwork.
He reached the front office and handed his note to a woman behind the counter, “Oh, I know what this is for.” she turned to another woman and handed her the note, “Alex is here.” The other woman smiled gratefully and exited the room and started to lead Alex down the hallway where he’d come from towards the sickbay. “You should’ve brought your bag, Jack’s here and he’s very upset. He’s done something very silly.” she explained as they entered the sickbay. Alex felt as if lead had been dropped into his gut and his expression became concerned. They rounded the corner and laying on the bed amongst the shadows was Jack who was red faced and bawling his eyes out.
“There’s an ambulance coming soon and the paramedics will be here.” As soon as Alex heard this, he instinctively looked over Jack’s body searching for blood or a bone out of place but there was nothing. Once the woman had left, Alex sat beside Jack on the bed and ran a hand over his hair. “Jack, what did you do?” Alex asked seriously. Jack sobbed and a new wave of tears ran down his cheeks, “I injected some heroin.” he replied hopelessly.
Alex felt the blood rush around his body and his mind turn to a blur. His hands started to shake as he began to realise the severity of the situation. “When?”
“This morning before school.” Jack wiped at his tears with his sleeve but couldn’t stop crying.
Alex held himself together as best he could but was finding it more and more difficult. “Where did you get it from?”
“Some guy in the park.”
All the pieces started to fall into place. The lateness to school, the mood swings. Alex knew he was about to start crying as well but still held it back; though that didn’t stop his voice shaking. “Why would you do that? You know what that stuff does, it’s really addictive.”
Jack’s face shadowed guilt. “I know... But it’s so hard. I can’t ever forget what my old carer did to me... I just wanted something to take it all away for a bit.” Jack was trembling, his eyelashes sticking together from all the tears.
The woman who had brought Alex here came in again followed by two men in blue and orange paramedic uniforms, one was carrying a large box. Alex stood up from the bed and allowed the two paramedics to pass. The woman turned to Alex, “Do you want to go get your bag and come back?” Alex nodded and turned out of the sickbay to go back to his room.
As he walked he began to calm down briefly so he could appear as fine as possible to the class. He walked back into his Chemistry room and the teacher faced him, “So what is it? Suspension?” Alex didn’t even try to smile this time, “I need to go.” he replied flatly as he headed to his desk and began packing up his stuff. Zack looked up at him noticing something was wrong, “Is everything alright?” Alex continued to shove things in his bag, “Hardly.” His voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. He started to leave the room and the last thing he heard from the teacher was that he’d give him the catch-up work tomorrow.
Alex briskly walked back to the sickbay and almost broke into a run from desperation. His mind was clouded and unable to think straight. He slowly walked back into the sickbay clutching his folder to his chest for comfort. He peeked around the corner to see Jack still had tears running down his cheeks as a paramedic took his blood pressure and spoke to him. “Heroin slows down your body and it also affects your mood quite rapidly. It stays in your system for a long time so you might not know if it’s working or not straight away depending on how strong the dose was.” Alex remained quiet but listened to every word. Jack must have been frightened of his sudden change in mood some time during his free period and told the woman in the front office what he’d done.
The other paramedic then began to talk. “We’re going to have to take you to the hospital to get some blood tests.”
Jack shook his head and gently pulled on his hair. “No, I want to stay here.”
“No one has to know. You can just get your carer to pick you up.”
Jack defiantly shook his head again. “No, Magenta might yell at me or something.” Jack had always been afraid of people raising their voices at him.
Alex wanted to step in and tell Jack he had to go to the hospital but that wasn’t his decision to make so he remained quiet.
“It would be best for you to come to the hospital so we can make sure you’re going to be okay.”
Jack was silent, he must have been thinking about it because he shifted slightly and began to sit up. He had made the right decision.
“I’ll take your bag.” said a paramedic as he picked up Jack’s bag.
Jack approached Alex as he followed the paramedics and the woman from the front office. Alex put an arm around Jack and held him close as they made their way through the front office and outside to where the ambulance was parked in the car park. The paramedic opened the sliding door of the ambulance and Alex released Jack from his hold with their hands lingering together for a moment before Jack wordlessly climbed inside where he was told to lie down on the chair that resembled a dentist’s chair.
One paramedic remained in the back with Jack asking him questions as the other shut the door and got into the front seat to start the ambulance up. Alex watched with his eyes heating up and starting to water slightly again. Through the window as the ambulance started to drive out of the school grounds, Jack made eye contact with Alex and Alex could see all the pain and fear in his eyes. It hurt Alex more than anything to know that Jack would try drugs to make his problems go away. He was literally at breaking point now. He could feel a meltdown within him.
The woman from the front office who had been standing next to him the whole time must have seen how wounded he was, “Are you alright?” she asked gently. At this point, Alex cracked and he broke into tears letting his emotions free. “I’ve already heard enough things like that, I don’t need any more.” He then hurried away leaving the woman behind with tears clouding his vision a little.
How could he have let this happen to Jack? He’d tried so hard to make that boy happy and now look what’s happened. Alex had failed Jack, he wasn’t good enough. Alex went to the front of the school and sat on the bench where Jack usually sat and cried heavily into his hands. It had been a few years since Alex had cried, he had always been so defensive, but this event had pushed him too far.
Was Jack going to be okay?
..........
As Alex walked in the front door of his house with his face still slightly red from earlier, his mum saw him from the kitchen on his left and rushed to him about to make a fuss. “Alex, are you okay?” she asked as she followed him through the house to his room. Alex dumped his bag in the corner of his room and leant against the chair at his desk, “Something happened at school...” He bit his lower lip and blinked a few times to stop himself crying again as he remembered Jack’s despair. But he was just so unfamiliarly vulnerable and sensitive right now...
His mum looked at him expectantly with much sympathy. “Well, what was it?”
Alex didn’t want to talk about it but it was probably best he did otherwise all his emotions would build up and it’d be damaging after a while. He felt the breakdown coming again, it was on the tip of his tongue. Jack, he loved him so much. “Jack took some heroin...” The tears worked their way out again, Alex was so hurt by it.
His mum’s sympathy slowly started to fall away. “When did he do that?”
Alex wiped at his tears but they still rolled down his cheeks nonetheless. “Some time before school...” he stopped briefly as a sob broke him off “I got called out of class and he was in the sickbay breaking down... I watched him get taken away in the ambulance...” Alex stood there crying as his mum comprehended what he was saying.
“Did he OD?”
Alex shook his head. “No... But... He’s such a sweet boy... He just needs help.”
All traces of sympathy were now gone from his mums face. “If he did something like that then he does need help. He’s taken a heavy drug. Alex, people like that aren’t welcome in this house, I’m not having Jack back here because of this.”
Alex couldn’t even speak anymore, he just kept crying as the images of Jack’s red face flooded his mind. It felt as if it was the end of his own life and that he knew he wouldn’t live on. But that was just his twisted mind running overboard.
His mum handed him a tissue from the tissue box on his shelf and he took it with a shaking hand.
“I’m not saying that you have to break up with him. If he’s been hurt enough to make a decision like that, then he’s going to need your support. You have to be strong for him and remain in control.”
Alex managed a nod as he wiped at his face.
“If he ever offers you some, say no. I don’t want you getting mixed up in that sort of stuff.”
What did his mum think Jack was? Some drugged up freak who’d force a needle into Alex’s arm? Alex wanted to snap at his mum and tell her that Jack wouldn’t do that but he remained placid just so she wouldn’t freak out. “Okay...” he replied quietly. She didn’t know of what he used to do, the alcohol and the sex, it was all unknown to her.
“Don’t sit in here all afternoon worrying yourself about it, do something to take your mind off it.”
Alex nodded again and his mum finally left, closing the door behind her.
As soon as her footsteps were gone, Alex took a picture frame down from his shelf and looked at it. The picture inside the frame was of him and Jack sitting on the lounge together with their arms around each other. They both looked so happy in the picture and Alex wished he could live that moment again and forget what had happened today. He sat on his bed with the frame still in hand, tears started to drip onto it so Alex gently wiped them away.
Jack’s P.O.V
Magenta was disappointed, Jack could tell by her silence in the car during the drive home. She wouldn’t look at him, her face was blank but her hands were set tight on the steering wheel. Jack looked out the window at the passing houses as he tried to ignore the feeling of the heroin wearing off. It was as if he was losing all his energy, his muscles were starting to ache and he just didn’t feel right in general. His stomach was uneasy and he felt run down as if he was getting the flu.
When they reached home, Jack slipped inside after Magenta and shadowed his way to his room where he tossed his bag and slumped down onto his bed with his head in his hands. For several minutes he remained like that but soon became restless and felt the need to move about. He walked out into the kitchen to get himself a drink to wet his desert-dry mouth but he didn’t get to that point because Magenta called him over to the dinner table where she was sitting.
Jack sat at the other end opposite her and knew he was in for it. His fingers entwined nervously under the table where they couldn’t be seen. For the first time this afternoon, Magenta looked at him properly. “Jack, why would you even think about taking drugs? They’re addictive and will kill you eventually.” Magenta’s voice was quiet but had a very stern tone to it. Jack remained silent but he couldn’t hide the guilt that tainted him like an ink stain. His gaze stayed directed at the tabletop but they blinked away tears of confusion.
He felt like breaking down again and screaming until his throat was sore and bloody. The agitation was back as the drug continued to wear off. “Jack? Do you have anything to say for yourself? Do you want to explain to me why you would do something so foolish?” Magenta was starting to lose her temper and for the first time since Jack had been living here. Jack kept his head down but his eyes landed upon the small dot on his arm where he injected the heroin. He was so stupid, always had been. “Tell me. Tell me why you took the drug.” demanded Magenta now losing her patience.
Jack clenched his fists as he held his ground and remained inside his defensive shell. He slowly let his eyes wander up but couldn’t take it anymore when he saw Magenta’s stern expression. He quickly got up from the chair and started to make his way to his room. “Jack Bassam Barakat! Get back here now!” Further choosing to ignore her, Jack grabbed his iPod from his room and started to walk down the hallway to the front door but Magenta blocked his way. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Jack felt his agitation and confusion rise and it just exploded like a nuke. “I don’t know where I’m going but does it really matter? It’s not like I mean anything to you anymore. Because of my fucking stupidity today I’ve torn you and Alex apart! I didn’t even recognise myself and I still don’t! Look at me, I’m angry and yelling! I don’t understand myself anymore, I just want it all to go away! I’ll do anything just for an hour of escape. It’s like I’m dying, I just want it over already.” There, he’d finally told her he wanted to die. His watering eyes let him down though, he was too emotional at the moment. “I’d do anything to have not had to grow up with what I did but I can’t change it. I’m so hurt by it and it’ll always frighten me no matter how many good things are in my life... I need to go for a walk to clear my head...”
Jack pushed past Magenta and he was surprised that she actually let him walk out the front door without protest. It was as if she’d been frozen in place from his confession. As he walked down the street, his breathing became stuttered and shaken by his attempts to hold back his misery on the problems he’d caused. All Jack had wanted was a day where he wouldn’t be bombarded by the memories.