All Was Golden In The Sky [20/20]
If I couldn't feel tremendous amounts of pain I would have thought I was dead. I was somewhere dark and cold thought, which kind of feel likes death to me. I wasn't comfy either; I was leaning on something pointy and kinda sharp. But moving was too much hard work right now when I could barely think for myself. Why, why did this happen? Why Ryan? He was the most amazing, lovely boy you could ever find. So why does cancer choose to destroy him. Seriously, it could of taken me instead and I wouldn't have any complaints...well of course not id be dead. Ha...I made a joke. Wow.
I slowly got up and felt around the walls in the dark. I found the light switch and turned it on, the bright light hurt my eyes. I blinked a few times and my eyes adjusted. I was in some sort of cupboard I knew as much...and oh. What’s this? Pills! And lots of them! Oh dream come true. These little babies will make all the pain disappear and that's what I need right now. I grabbed the closest put, I didn't bother looking at what it was, I didn't care. I just needed the lovely numbness you get from taking too many pills. I piled them straight into my mouth and swallowed them all. It was hard without some sort of liquid to take them with, but I had to make do I guess. I grabbed another pot and did the same thing, turned the light off and sat back down.
“Mmmm” I mumbled to myself, smiling in satisfaction and closing my eyes. I’ll just sleep until they take effect. Goodnight world, see ya later, well maybe anyways, ha.
-
“Bren...Bren wake up you douche bag” I heard a voice in the distance. I struggled to wake up, but this voice was too familiar for me to ignore. Too much like it should mean something to me, if that makes sense. Probably not, I took hella pills. Ha, good times.
“Brendon Boyd Urie you wake up and hug your boyfriend right now” The voice said. My eyes opened at once but I covered them with my hand. The place I was in was way too bright for my liking. Someone took my hand and pulled it away from my face. Ryan stood in front of me. I shook my head.
“Oh fuck it, I’m dead aren’t I, oh great, this is gunna kill the guys, first you now me. I know I had it coming for me but seriously. Oh well I suppose at least I'm with you” I grinned, standing up and hugging Ryan. He hugged back, he was warm and comforting, he was my Ryan.
“Oh Bren, you aren’t dead. You just overdosed on fuck knows what pills and they’re trying to bring you back now, so I probably don't have long. Now, you promised me you wouldn't do this” Ryan said, holding my hand and walking forwards. I followed him; we weren’t going in the direction of anywhere because there was nothing here. It was just white.
“No, I promised I wouldn't hang myself, I took too many pills. Ryan, is this a dream or am I actually seeing you, I never really believed in any of that sort of stuff, but ya know.” I asked. Ryan laughed and kissed my forehead.
“Of course it’s a dream Brendon, this stuff isn’t real at all. You’re so silly sometimes. I suppose that's one of many reasons I love you though” He smiled. I grinned and swung our hands.
“Ryan I can’t do it, I know I promised you I wouldn't do anything, but...I can’t live without you, it’s impossible” I choked. Ryan dropped my hand and wrapped his arm around my waist, leaning his head on mine.
“You can Brendon, you’re a strong person” Ryan said.
“But I love you so much, how am I meant to go on without you?” I asked.
“And I love you too, but I'm gone now. Dead and gone, and I'm not coming back anytime soon. You can move on, you don't have to forget me at all, of course you don't. But you defiantly don't have to kill yourself or harm yourself in any way. Now I know it’s going to be hard baby, but please, do this for me yeah?” Ryan said, stopping us and wrapping his arms around me.
“But...”
“If you’re dead then who’s going to be Lilly’s gay best friend who dresses her at her wedding...whenever that will be” Ryan grinned, lifting my chin up and kissing my nose.
“You’re right, I have that job perfected” I grinned. Ryan laughed and kissed me properly. I kissed him back, savouring the taste of his lips, his tongue. Just savouring the taste of Ryan.
“I’ll do it...for you” I said as we broke for air. Ryan smiled and hugged me tightly.
“But I'm going to miss you so much” I said. Ryan smiled.
“I know, I'm going to miss you as well” He said, kissing me and beginning to walk away.
“Wait...how do I know you’re really going to miss me if this is a dream?” I shouted after him. I heard him laugh softly.
“Sleepy time is over Bren, I love you” He called, then disappeared.
“Huh?” I muttered, then everything spun, I was tumbling down, down down.
2 Years Later.
Brendon walked down the streets of New York. It was midday, it was sunny, and the smell of summer was in the air. He was on his way to the venue his band and himself were playing tonight. Panic! At The Disco had made it big, who would ever think a band made from a music class project would ever be headline touring all over America and the United Kingdom.
Brendon unzipped his black jacket, taking it off and slinging it over his arm, way too hot for layers. He smiled to himself and checked the time.
“Shit” He muttered to himself. It was all very well enjoying the lovely day, but he promised Spencer he would be at the venue at 4 o’clock. It was quarter past. He sped off to the venue and met Spencer outside.
“I know I'm late, I'm sorry I got sidetracked” Brendon grinned. Spencer raised an eyebrow but smiled.
“Let me guess, beautiful day, casual stroll?” He asked. Brendon put an arm around his shoulders and walked into the venue.
“You know me so well Spence”
It had been a two years since Ryan’s death and Brendon’s almost death. The first couple of weeks were horrible, well let’s make that the first couple of months. But after a while it settled in. Ryan was not coming back, and Brendon wanted to make him proud where ever he was. He couldn't just waste away, he had to do something. Ryan’s funeral was beautiful though, a day Brendon would never forget.
“We are gathered here today for the funeral for George Ryan Ross, son, friend, beloved” The vicar said. Brendon looked to the sky and smiled a little. It was the sunniest day they had had in a while. Ryan’s favourite sort of weather. The whole group was there naturally, and many other friends, acquaintances, and even Ryan’s mother had turned up. Brendon was strangely thankful for this. Ryan would have been happy.
“Would anyone like to say some words?” The vicar asked. Brendon stood up and faced the crowd. He took a deep breath and smiled.
“Ryan Ross...what can I say about him hey? Well he turned up in our lives just as suddenly as he left. As soon as I saw him, I had these feelings rushing through me that I never thought I could feel. I mean, I was straight, and then this gorgeous boy turns up and challenges that, how dare he?!” Brendon started. The crowd laughed at this and smiled keenly at Brendon.
“Well, that was a very lucky day for me, because Ryan has made me the happiest person in the world. We had our ups and downs, of course we did. But I always knew we’d pull through, because we were bloody perfect for each other. I am who I am today because of Ryan, and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Rest in peace beautiful, you deserve it” Brendon finished, blowing a kiss at Ryan’s coffin then placing a rose and Ryan’s favourite guitar pick on it.
“I love you forever...I can do this” Brendon whispered.
-
“HELLO NEW YORK!” Brendon shouted into the microphone. The entire arena exploded with screams and cries. Brendon laughed, and it echoed out.
“We are Panic! At The Disco, we have some friends in the crowd today. Gabriel Saporta who you might know from a little band called Cobra Starship? William Beckett from The Academy Is...? ring any bells?” Brendon asked. The crowd burst into screams again.
“Oh bless you all, nah I'm just name dropping now. We also have Emma and Lilly here for once! Usually they bugger off with their boyfriend on their tours, but they managed to get to the gig tonight. So cheer for them New York!” Brendon said, playing the crowd like a cat with a piece of string.
“Two more announcements and I promise we’ll play some music for you beautiful people. I’d like to be the first person to announce Jon Walker and Gina Lamberts engagement! Yes they are going to tie the knot, those sexy sexy bass players. And also I’d like to congratulate Miss. Diane Langley for graduating from the University of Nevada! We always knew you could do it! Now, it’s time for some music...”
Jon grinned and Spencer and nodded, they both kicked in with a song called I Constantly Thank God For Esteban.
“Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction...” Brendon began to sing.
-
“Shhhhh, I need to talk to you all for a few minutes about a special someone. Two years ago today my boyfriend died. Ryan Ross? You may or may not have heard of him. But he was a musical genius, he was seriously amazing and I just wish he could be here to witness this. But sadly cancer took him. When he first died I overdosed because I didn't want to take the pain...”
“If you, or anyone around you is thinking about suicide or self harm, STOP. It’s not the right way okay guys, talk to someone, talk to anyone. You can get through it, there is always a way out if you’re willing to try find it. This song is dedicated to Ryan Ross; it’s called Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks. It was, in fact the first song Ryan ever wrote. If you can hear us Ryan, then this song is for you, and we love and miss you each and every day beautiful. I’ll think of you most when all is golden in the sky”