Fireworks. [Chapter Forty-Four]
Title: Fireworks
Author: Harriet, a.k.a masokisstiic
Rating: R
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Ugh this is so terrible but I had to get an update out and yeah, yuck. I can't be bothered to edit the italics in yet, but I'll do it tomorrow at some point because I really just want to go to bed now, aha. Yeah, so, I hope you can forgive me for such bad writing and I hope it's not too babbled.
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Masterpost.
Have you ever been speechless?
Now, I don’t mean where you can’t speak for a moment or so, I mean truly speechless.
Where perhaps you’ve found something you wished you hadn’t and you just can’t seem to function properly anymore. A lump forms in the back of your throat that you just can’t seem to swallow, and all you’re doing is gasping for breath. Forget even trying to speak because nothing is making sense anymore. You wish so fucking much you hadn’t seen what you’d just seen because all the thoughts in your head have just merged together into a string of nonsense.
Have you ever felt like that?
If so, then you’d know how Jack felt.
The boy’s fingers lost their grip of the pages they were holding, gently the papers floated to the ground like a feather in the breeze and Jack just stared. He hadn’t just read that, he hadn’t.
It couldn’t be real; this was all some sick little joke, wasn’t it?
Things like this didn’t happen to Jack, he was never this lucky.
Yet as the boy scrambled onto his knees in front of the splayed out letter, his fingertips traced along different words that were written by him, and he knew that it was real, every little detail.
Brown eyes darted along the poorly bolded letters that begun each paragraph, as the acronym began to make sense and Jack’s heart began to palpitate as feelings of sickness washed over him.
“I-I promise…”
His voice finally found him once more as he stuttered the two words, hot tears staining his cheeks with his brows furrowed through frustration.
“Don’t promise me, A-Alex.” Jack said to the air, as if the other boy was with him there, watching as he threaded his fingers through his hair. “Pr-promises are j-just lies, t-tied with pretty fucking r-ribbons. You s-said that yourself, d-don’t promise me a-anything.” He spat as he fell back on his knees.
How the fuck could Alex do this to him?
He was ready, he was so ready to get up and fucking leave all of this shit behind. He was prepared to forget and just start over, it would have been third time fucking lucky, but no, not now.
Dropping the pendant that had still been tightly enclosed in one of his hands, he began picking up the papers; Jack scrunched them up in his hands muttering to himself, “H-here’s your f-fucking promises.”
He tossed the newly formed paper ball over to the other side of the room and he gulped back several breaths as he tried to register what he had just read.
Alex wasn’t asking for him back, it was as if he didn’t even fucking care and a stupid letter was a good enough goodbye. But he was wishing Jack the best, he wanted him to be happy, to be free, and to fall in love again…
How the fuck could Jack get up and go with that weight now forced onto his shoulders?
Alex still loved him, and now he knew.
That stupid fucking English boy in his shitty sweatpants loved him more than he ever could imagine.
How could Jack walk away from that?
Sniffing, Jack looked at the crumpled letter with sore eyes. They were Alex’s words, his feelings, everything he never said all spilled out onto a few bits of blank paper. And the seventeen-year-old boy just threw it as if it were a piece of trash.
“I-I’m n-not falling for it A-Alex,” The boy whispered as he imagined the older male’s hand gently placing itself on his thigh. “Th-this was y-your plan all along, w-wasn’t it?” Jack squeezed his eyes shut as he could have sworn he’d felt the elder’s breath ghosting over his ear as he sighed through desperation, “N-no, I c-can’t, I just-“
Opening his eyes, Jack looked upon the empty room, “I don’t want to be hurt again, Al…”
And being hurt meant paying the price in his own blood that he’d spilled far too often.
The English boy’s name was calling out to him though as the pendant lay on the floor. The broken heart lost without its partner… just as Jack was lost without Alex.
Blinking back his emotions, the boy hastily clasped the chain around his neck and it surprised him how comforted he felt with the cool metal against his skin. It seemed that Alex wanted Jack to know that it was useless him keeping a necklace that didn’t belong to him, ‘cause he had his own. Jack’s name against his heart because Jack did love him, he would probably always love him.
Sometimes Jack wished that he wouldn’t.
Sniffing, the American sat back on his feet not knowing what to do.
His mother must have known about this because that’s why she sent him up here. Was she hinting at him the choice he should make?
And it was after he’d spoken so highly of his ex-lover, too. Saying how much he adored being with Alex, and he was second-guessing his actions then. Surely… surely this confirmed that he had been wrong all along. A misunderstanding, miscommunication, he’d make a mistake.
He knew what he had to do.
Padding out of the room and down the stairs, Jack paused opposite his mother. “I-I have to go out, uh, I’ll be back s-soon.” He managed to stammer, his mum only smiling knowingly and nodding.
“I thought you would.” She sighed to herself as her son pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and slipped a pair of canvas shoes on. “Wrap up, it’s raining outside.” She advised, yet knew that Jack wasn’t paying attention and who could blame him?
As the boy reached for the door knob, he looked over his shoulder and said softly, “I love you, Mom. Thank you.”
Then he closed the heavy door behind himself as he stepped out into the typical, shitty English weather.
Tugging his sleeves over his palms, he didn’t even bother throwing his hood over his head. He was going to get soaked anyway as the rain beat down against him, perhaps a sign telling him to just go back. He had to stay strong though as his breathing grew heavier, his nose beginning to run as the cold sunk into his bones.
Even if he was to say goodbye, at least he could do it properly, knowing that Alex’s intentions were true.
This path was all too familiar as the wet soaked through Jack’s shoes and socks, he needn’t look up because he could walk this with his eyes shut tight if he so desired.
He remembered the first time he ever took this route, too. Back then he’d never have imagined any of this to have happened. It was strange how time had a way of changing things.
He passed the gravelled driveways, and the poorly built walls where a group of travellers had made an attempt at construction work on one of those houses. Normally he would laugh even though he’d seen it before, but no matter the distractions, all that was on Jack’s mind was Alex.
He pictured him writing that letter, using his plastered arm as a paperweight, if anything, whilst his tongue pushed through his thin lips as he concentrated.
He wondered what was going through his mind, what made him want to do it when it had never crossed his mind before, yet it still seemed to be an ‘Alex’ thing to do.
Lifting his chin, Jack’s hand wiped at the rain that had settled on his cheeks because the house was only a few metres away now. At least any signs of him crying had been masked, and he made an attempt to smile to nothing at all, just to see if he could.
His lips soon turned down once more as he paced up the driveway and stopped outside of the house he used to live in.
Jack held onto his breath as he reached out an arm to bang his knuckles against the wood, ignoring the doorbell that was placed at the side.
His mind was a mess as he tried to figure out what he could say, though he knew the moment he saw his boy’s face once more that it would be incoherent babble.
His boy.
Sheltered by the porch, Jack gulped as a boy dressed in a black Henley’s polo shirt and thick grey jogging bottoms pushed the door open. And that boy stood there, frozen.
“J-Jack…?” He whispered, forgetting that the other was still out in the cold, whilst he remained quite warm inside.
Looking up to catch eye contact, Jack began to slowly nod, “Yeah, it’s me.” He murmured, too hurt and confused to make a snide comment like, ‘Well, who else would it be?’
“C-can I come in?” He asked and Alex didn’t hesitate to stand aside.
“I guess you’re here to say goodbye then, yeah?” The older boy questioned as he closed the door behind Jack. “Flight’s tomorrow, isn’t it?”
Jack nodded again as he slipped off his shoes, though his socks left a trail of water behind him as he shuffled toward Alex. “Mm,” Was all he could muster as he tried to refrain himself from blurting out all that was in his head.
“You’re soaked through…” Alex noticed as his eyes drifted up and down Jack’s body, taking in those important key details. The other was slimmer than usual, he could tell by the way that hoodie of his hung off his bones.
Jack’s dark fringe was also slicked against his contrasting pale skin and Alex couldn’t decide whether Jack looked ill from his battle with the rain, or perhaps something else, something more serious was draining the colours from his cheeks.
Sighing, Alex began to take a few steps up the stairs, “C’mon, you need a change of clothes, ba-“
He almost called him baby.
Jack just shrugged in response, following the elder up the stairs and into his bedroom.
He remembered when it used to be theirs. Alex’s clothes would be thrown upon the floor, whilst Jack had his all tidy and folded in their allocated drawers. Then Jack had graffitied over a few of Alex’s posters of women that he’d forgotten to take down after they got together, but a small smile crept upon the American’s face as he noticed the other hadn’t the heart to take them down now.
“I-I see Megan Fox still has a moustache then.” He said quietly as Alex fumbled in the closet to find Jack something to wear.
The male chuckled as he threw a pair of joggers and a baggy t-shirt at Jack who had sat himself on the side of the bed that used to belong to him. He’d always liked being propped against the wall, he felt a lot safer knowing that he wasn’t going to be going anywhere, especially with Alex on the other side of him.
“Aha, yeah,” Alex commented as he searched for a towel that Jack could dry himself with. “They make me laugh.”
“And remind me of you. Everything in this room does.”
The younger boy had pulled his sweatshirt over his head, leaving his t-shirt hugging tightly at his torso, the white having turned see-through and exposing the dark marks against Jack’s hips.
Alex knew that some of them hadn’t been there before.
“Here, use this to dry off.” Alex said as he tossed a rolled up towel to Jack.
Then as Jack slipped off the rest of his clothing, there was silence.
Neither really knew what to say, and that awkward tension lingered in the air as they held their tongues.
Alex watched as the other boy rubbed the towel against his body, patting down against his stomach and hip to avoid putting himself in pain as the cotton fabric became caught amongst several scabs.
He hated how useless he’d become. He hated knowing that it was because of him that Jack had hurt himself more frequently, too.
Alex knew that he shouldn’t have just sat there and ignored Jack when the boy tried to call, and it didn’t take too much effort to send a simple text that read, “You okay?” He didn’t even need to add any of those silly crosses on the end, ‘cause no amount was enough.
Alex never wanted to blank Jack, though. He simply thought it was for the best, because he believed that if he acted as if he didn’t care, then Jack would start to “hate” him and he’d leave without wanting to look back. Then he’d read the letter and it would be too late, ‘cause Alex’s plan for him to have a better future would be put into action. Alex thought he was doing the right thing; it was just horrid to know how much it had taken a toll on Jack’s physical and mental health.
Yet, it wasn’t like it was easy for Alex, either. He can’t even remember the last night of good sleep he’d had since the split. He’d grown so used to Jack’s bedtime habits, and the boy being there, that it seemed unnatural for him to be alone.
Fatigue had hit him hard, and perhaps a case of insomnia was the best way to describe his nights left awake with a few daytime power naps to keep him alive.
At least he was surviving, and he’d continue on because he knew he had to.
“You alright, Al…?” Came a voice, startling Alex from his thoughts.
Blinking, the English boy tilted his head, before nodding only slightly. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” He lied smoothly with a smile to match.
“Good,” Jack sighed, whilst instinctively tugging his necklace from beneath Alex’s t-shirt that he wore and letting it hang in front of the soft material. “I know this must come as a bit of a surprise but-“
He paused as he watched Alex start to frown, the other boy staring at Jack through squinted eyes.
“A-Alex?” Jack asked as he pushed himself back up against the wall, “I-is there something wrong?”
That in itself was a stupid question. There were so many things wrong, yet it’s an automatic response to someone looking at you as if you’d transformed into a hideous, mythical beast.
“W-why are you wearing th-that?” Alex stuttered, his eyes widening as images of his letter flashed across his mind. “N-no.” He whispered to himself, shaking his head as he stepped closer to the younger boy.
He crawled across the bed sheets to kneel in front of a shaking Jack, a hand reaching out to grasp the pendant. Taking a hold of his own with his spare hand, Alex carefully managed to fit the two pieces together.
Alex. Jack.
Alex and Jack.
That’s what it read, and fuck, as Alex sat back onto the mattress, he couldn’t believe his plan had been ruined.
“Why did you read the letter?” Alex asked in a low voice, his eyes failing to glance upwards and meet Jack’s gaze.
As the other male made a pathetic noise in response, the tone of Alex’s voice grew louder and harsher as he shouted, “Why the fuck did you read that damn letter?!”
He lifted his head, tossing back his hair as Jack sunk his teeth into his lower lip.
“M-my mom told me to, Al. Sh-she said I had to look in my suitcase a-and I did, and it was there, s-so I read it.” He stammered, and despite knowing for a fact that Alex wouldn’t dare hurt him, he still couldn’t help but to quiver with fear as the other clenched his fists.
At least the anger soon began to subside however, because Alex could feel his guard coming down as he realised that shouting wasn’t going to change what had happened.
“I-I’m sorry, I just- I didn’t want this to happen, I mean, when you came knocking on the door I guess I panicked a little because I thought maybe you had read it, then I realised it was stupid, so I figured you were here to say your last goodbye properly. That’s what I wanted, for you to say goodbye. A-and I hope you’re still here to do that.”
Jack nodded slowly whilst trying to make sense of what Alex had blurted, all he could understand was that Alex didn’t want him to stay.
“S-so you want me to say goodbye, i-is that it?”
Alex shrugged in response, mumbling a “Yeah, I guess…” but then he took a breath before saying, “I want you to go back to America, ‘cause as you’ve just read, it’s where you belong.”
“How do you know where I belong?” Jack was quick to respond.
Adding another shrug, Alex sighed, “I don’t… but I just think life would be easier if you went back home.”
Home was another silly word that Jack wished Alex wouldn’t use. The other still hadn’t seemed to grasp that ‘home’ was not a single place, it wasn’t just one area, it was lots of different places if it needed to be.
Jack’s home was Alex, ‘cause home is where the heart is.
“What if I don’t want to go?” Jack asked quietly, his fingers combing through his fringe that was still damp.
“Then I’d say you were stupid.”
“That’s nothing new.”
Alex managed to lightly chuckle as Jack replied, “You’re right,” He agreed, “But still, I know you’d be better off without me.” He finally admitted, ignoring the pain in his chest that he imagined to be a shard of glass slicing through the ridiculous organ he called a heart. “So can you please just say goodbye and go? I really don’t want this to be harder than it already is, I don’t think I could take much more of it…”
Jack didn’t want to say goodbye though, not knowing that what Alex had written was true to every detail.
“I-I just can’t understand why you think you’re so bad for me.” He managed to say, though forgetting that perhaps it was his own fault for drilling into Alex’s mind that he wasn’t good enough. He hadn’t realised how much it affected a boy when they heard that their other half didn’t believe they loved them, and accused them of loving wrong. “I-I know you love me now…”
Alex was left laughing through disbelief, “Yeah, now. You didn’t believe me back then, and that’s why I wrote the letter. You were supposed to realise I loved you from the very first day when it was too late for you to come back, that way the words would sink in so much deeper and you’d want to follow the advice I gave you. I want you to go and live the life you’ve always dreamed of, with a man who’ll treat you with their best intentions.”
Jack sniffed as a single tear rolled down his cheek, “B-but you’re that man, a-and you’re always going to be that man.” He answered back, “The fact you’re giving up your own happiness to help my own is something that nobody else has done for me before, and nobody else ever will. If anything, I thought you’d be better without me a-and now I just don’t know.”
The move to America was supposed to be a choice that both wanted for one another, yet the more both boys thought about their own decisions, the more they seemed to crumble at their fingertips as their minds began to slowly change.
“Well, what do you want out of this all, Jack?” The English boy asked as he lifted a hand to gently place on the other’s cheek. “It’s your decision in the end, and not mine. You know that I want you to go, but it’s not because I don’t love you. I love you with every inch of me, baby,” The boy said softly as his eyes flickered to meet Jack’s, his thumb gently stroking the other’s pale skin. “And as you said, you know that I do now, so just keep that with you. Know that this silly little boy will always love you, will always be thinking of you, so you never have to be alone.”
And ever so daringly, Alex closed his eyes to press a light kiss to the other’s chapped lips.
“But,” He began as he leant back too soon, “I know there will be somebody else who deserves you more than I do, and taking that plane ride is one step closer to finding them. Please don’t think that you can’t leave now if you wanted to in the first place, ‘cause this wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. Y-your mum shouldn’t have told you to read it, I-I don’t know why she did-“
Now it was Jack’s turn to interrupt, as he’d held his tongue for far too long.
“She did it because she knew how unhappy I was without you.” The boy commented as realisation set in and his voice became softer and quieter, “She wants me to stay…”
Jack closed his eyes as he lifted his hand and placed it against the one Alex had against his cheek. He threaded their fingers as he choked out a sob, “I-I don’t know what I want…” He whispered, his words barely audible yet loud enough for Alex to hear.
“Yes you do, Jack,” The other replied back, “You know exactly what you want. I-It’s right there in your heart, but it’s what’s going on in your head that’s making you second guess yourself. Just listen to your heart and tell me what it says, where do you think you’ll be happiest?”
And as Jack opened his eyes, the answer was simple.
It was right there in front of him in the form of a boy with a poor sense of style that he once thought he’d fixed.
“With you, Alex, I will always be happiest when I’m with you.”
“Y-you promise?”
“I promise.”
Author: Harriet, a.k.a masokisstiic
Rating: R
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Ugh this is so terrible but I had to get an update out and yeah, yuck. I can't be bothered to edit the italics in yet, but I'll do it tomorrow at some point because I really just want to go to bed now, aha. Yeah, so, I hope you can forgive me for such bad writing and I hope it's not too babbled.
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Masterpost.
Have you ever been speechless?
Now, I don’t mean where you can’t speak for a moment or so, I mean truly speechless.
Where perhaps you’ve found something you wished you hadn’t and you just can’t seem to function properly anymore. A lump forms in the back of your throat that you just can’t seem to swallow, and all you’re doing is gasping for breath. Forget even trying to speak because nothing is making sense anymore. You wish so fucking much you hadn’t seen what you’d just seen because all the thoughts in your head have just merged together into a string of nonsense.
Have you ever felt like that?
If so, then you’d know how Jack felt.
The boy’s fingers lost their grip of the pages they were holding, gently the papers floated to the ground like a feather in the breeze and Jack just stared. He hadn’t just read that, he hadn’t.
It couldn’t be real; this was all some sick little joke, wasn’t it?
Things like this didn’t happen to Jack, he was never this lucky.
Yet as the boy scrambled onto his knees in front of the splayed out letter, his fingertips traced along different words that were written by him, and he knew that it was real, every little detail.
Brown eyes darted along the poorly bolded letters that begun each paragraph, as the acronym began to make sense and Jack’s heart began to palpitate as feelings of sickness washed over him.
“I-I promise…”
His voice finally found him once more as he stuttered the two words, hot tears staining his cheeks with his brows furrowed through frustration.
“Don’t promise me, A-Alex.” Jack said to the air, as if the other boy was with him there, watching as he threaded his fingers through his hair. “Pr-promises are j-just lies, t-tied with pretty fucking r-ribbons. You s-said that yourself, d-don’t promise me a-anything.” He spat as he fell back on his knees.
How the fuck could Alex do this to him?
He was ready, he was so ready to get up and fucking leave all of this shit behind. He was prepared to forget and just start over, it would have been third time fucking lucky, but no, not now.
Dropping the pendant that had still been tightly enclosed in one of his hands, he began picking up the papers; Jack scrunched them up in his hands muttering to himself, “H-here’s your f-fucking promises.”
He tossed the newly formed paper ball over to the other side of the room and he gulped back several breaths as he tried to register what he had just read.
Alex wasn’t asking for him back, it was as if he didn’t even fucking care and a stupid letter was a good enough goodbye. But he was wishing Jack the best, he wanted him to be happy, to be free, and to fall in love again…
How the fuck could Jack get up and go with that weight now forced onto his shoulders?
Alex still loved him, and now he knew.
That stupid fucking English boy in his shitty sweatpants loved him more than he ever could imagine.
How could Jack walk away from that?
Sniffing, Jack looked at the crumpled letter with sore eyes. They were Alex’s words, his feelings, everything he never said all spilled out onto a few bits of blank paper. And the seventeen-year-old boy just threw it as if it were a piece of trash.
“I-I’m n-not falling for it A-Alex,” The boy whispered as he imagined the older male’s hand gently placing itself on his thigh. “Th-this was y-your plan all along, w-wasn’t it?” Jack squeezed his eyes shut as he could have sworn he’d felt the elder’s breath ghosting over his ear as he sighed through desperation, “N-no, I c-can’t, I just-“
Opening his eyes, Jack looked upon the empty room, “I don’t want to be hurt again, Al…”
And being hurt meant paying the price in his own blood that he’d spilled far too often.
The English boy’s name was calling out to him though as the pendant lay on the floor. The broken heart lost without its partner… just as Jack was lost without Alex.
Blinking back his emotions, the boy hastily clasped the chain around his neck and it surprised him how comforted he felt with the cool metal against his skin. It seemed that Alex wanted Jack to know that it was useless him keeping a necklace that didn’t belong to him, ‘cause he had his own. Jack’s name against his heart because Jack did love him, he would probably always love him.
Sometimes Jack wished that he wouldn’t.
Sniffing, the American sat back on his feet not knowing what to do.
His mother must have known about this because that’s why she sent him up here. Was she hinting at him the choice he should make?
And it was after he’d spoken so highly of his ex-lover, too. Saying how much he adored being with Alex, and he was second-guessing his actions then. Surely… surely this confirmed that he had been wrong all along. A misunderstanding, miscommunication, he’d make a mistake.
He knew what he had to do.
Padding out of the room and down the stairs, Jack paused opposite his mother. “I-I have to go out, uh, I’ll be back s-soon.” He managed to stammer, his mum only smiling knowingly and nodding.
“I thought you would.” She sighed to herself as her son pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and slipped a pair of canvas shoes on. “Wrap up, it’s raining outside.” She advised, yet knew that Jack wasn’t paying attention and who could blame him?
As the boy reached for the door knob, he looked over his shoulder and said softly, “I love you, Mom. Thank you.”
Then he closed the heavy door behind himself as he stepped out into the typical, shitty English weather.
Tugging his sleeves over his palms, he didn’t even bother throwing his hood over his head. He was going to get soaked anyway as the rain beat down against him, perhaps a sign telling him to just go back. He had to stay strong though as his breathing grew heavier, his nose beginning to run as the cold sunk into his bones.
Even if he was to say goodbye, at least he could do it properly, knowing that Alex’s intentions were true.
This path was all too familiar as the wet soaked through Jack’s shoes and socks, he needn’t look up because he could walk this with his eyes shut tight if he so desired.
He remembered the first time he ever took this route, too. Back then he’d never have imagined any of this to have happened. It was strange how time had a way of changing things.
He passed the gravelled driveways, and the poorly built walls where a group of travellers had made an attempt at construction work on one of those houses. Normally he would laugh even though he’d seen it before, but no matter the distractions, all that was on Jack’s mind was Alex.
He pictured him writing that letter, using his plastered arm as a paperweight, if anything, whilst his tongue pushed through his thin lips as he concentrated.
He wondered what was going through his mind, what made him want to do it when it had never crossed his mind before, yet it still seemed to be an ‘Alex’ thing to do.
Lifting his chin, Jack’s hand wiped at the rain that had settled on his cheeks because the house was only a few metres away now. At least any signs of him crying had been masked, and he made an attempt to smile to nothing at all, just to see if he could.
His lips soon turned down once more as he paced up the driveway and stopped outside of the house he used to live in.
Jack held onto his breath as he reached out an arm to bang his knuckles against the wood, ignoring the doorbell that was placed at the side.
His mind was a mess as he tried to figure out what he could say, though he knew the moment he saw his boy’s face once more that it would be incoherent babble.
His boy.
Sheltered by the porch, Jack gulped as a boy dressed in a black Henley’s polo shirt and thick grey jogging bottoms pushed the door open. And that boy stood there, frozen.
“J-Jack…?” He whispered, forgetting that the other was still out in the cold, whilst he remained quite warm inside.
Looking up to catch eye contact, Jack began to slowly nod, “Yeah, it’s me.” He murmured, too hurt and confused to make a snide comment like, ‘Well, who else would it be?’
“C-can I come in?” He asked and Alex didn’t hesitate to stand aside.
“I guess you’re here to say goodbye then, yeah?” The older boy questioned as he closed the door behind Jack. “Flight’s tomorrow, isn’t it?”
Jack nodded again as he slipped off his shoes, though his socks left a trail of water behind him as he shuffled toward Alex. “Mm,” Was all he could muster as he tried to refrain himself from blurting out all that was in his head.
“You’re soaked through…” Alex noticed as his eyes drifted up and down Jack’s body, taking in those important key details. The other was slimmer than usual, he could tell by the way that hoodie of his hung off his bones.
Jack’s dark fringe was also slicked against his contrasting pale skin and Alex couldn’t decide whether Jack looked ill from his battle with the rain, or perhaps something else, something more serious was draining the colours from his cheeks.
Sighing, Alex began to take a few steps up the stairs, “C’mon, you need a change of clothes, ba-“
He almost called him baby.
Jack just shrugged in response, following the elder up the stairs and into his bedroom.
He remembered when it used to be theirs. Alex’s clothes would be thrown upon the floor, whilst Jack had his all tidy and folded in their allocated drawers. Then Jack had graffitied over a few of Alex’s posters of women that he’d forgotten to take down after they got together, but a small smile crept upon the American’s face as he noticed the other hadn’t the heart to take them down now.
“I-I see Megan Fox still has a moustache then.” He said quietly as Alex fumbled in the closet to find Jack something to wear.
The male chuckled as he threw a pair of joggers and a baggy t-shirt at Jack who had sat himself on the side of the bed that used to belong to him. He’d always liked being propped against the wall, he felt a lot safer knowing that he wasn’t going to be going anywhere, especially with Alex on the other side of him.
“Aha, yeah,” Alex commented as he searched for a towel that Jack could dry himself with. “They make me laugh.”
“And remind me of you. Everything in this room does.”
The younger boy had pulled his sweatshirt over his head, leaving his t-shirt hugging tightly at his torso, the white having turned see-through and exposing the dark marks against Jack’s hips.
Alex knew that some of them hadn’t been there before.
“Here, use this to dry off.” Alex said as he tossed a rolled up towel to Jack.
Then as Jack slipped off the rest of his clothing, there was silence.
Neither really knew what to say, and that awkward tension lingered in the air as they held their tongues.
Alex watched as the other boy rubbed the towel against his body, patting down against his stomach and hip to avoid putting himself in pain as the cotton fabric became caught amongst several scabs.
He hated how useless he’d become. He hated knowing that it was because of him that Jack had hurt himself more frequently, too.
Alex knew that he shouldn’t have just sat there and ignored Jack when the boy tried to call, and it didn’t take too much effort to send a simple text that read, “You okay?” He didn’t even need to add any of those silly crosses on the end, ‘cause no amount was enough.
Alex never wanted to blank Jack, though. He simply thought it was for the best, because he believed that if he acted as if he didn’t care, then Jack would start to “hate” him and he’d leave without wanting to look back. Then he’d read the letter and it would be too late, ‘cause Alex’s plan for him to have a better future would be put into action. Alex thought he was doing the right thing; it was just horrid to know how much it had taken a toll on Jack’s physical and mental health.
Yet, it wasn’t like it was easy for Alex, either. He can’t even remember the last night of good sleep he’d had since the split. He’d grown so used to Jack’s bedtime habits, and the boy being there, that it seemed unnatural for him to be alone.
Fatigue had hit him hard, and perhaps a case of insomnia was the best way to describe his nights left awake with a few daytime power naps to keep him alive.
At least he was surviving, and he’d continue on because he knew he had to.
“You alright, Al…?” Came a voice, startling Alex from his thoughts.
Blinking, the English boy tilted his head, before nodding only slightly. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” He lied smoothly with a smile to match.
“Good,” Jack sighed, whilst instinctively tugging his necklace from beneath Alex’s t-shirt that he wore and letting it hang in front of the soft material. “I know this must come as a bit of a surprise but-“
He paused as he watched Alex start to frown, the other boy staring at Jack through squinted eyes.
“A-Alex?” Jack asked as he pushed himself back up against the wall, “I-is there something wrong?”
That in itself was a stupid question. There were so many things wrong, yet it’s an automatic response to someone looking at you as if you’d transformed into a hideous, mythical beast.
“W-why are you wearing th-that?” Alex stuttered, his eyes widening as images of his letter flashed across his mind. “N-no.” He whispered to himself, shaking his head as he stepped closer to the younger boy.
He crawled across the bed sheets to kneel in front of a shaking Jack, a hand reaching out to grasp the pendant. Taking a hold of his own with his spare hand, Alex carefully managed to fit the two pieces together.
Alex. Jack.
Alex and Jack.
That’s what it read, and fuck, as Alex sat back onto the mattress, he couldn’t believe his plan had been ruined.
“Why did you read the letter?” Alex asked in a low voice, his eyes failing to glance upwards and meet Jack’s gaze.
As the other male made a pathetic noise in response, the tone of Alex’s voice grew louder and harsher as he shouted, “Why the fuck did you read that damn letter?!”
He lifted his head, tossing back his hair as Jack sunk his teeth into his lower lip.
“M-my mom told me to, Al. Sh-she said I had to look in my suitcase a-and I did, and it was there, s-so I read it.” He stammered, and despite knowing for a fact that Alex wouldn’t dare hurt him, he still couldn’t help but to quiver with fear as the other clenched his fists.
At least the anger soon began to subside however, because Alex could feel his guard coming down as he realised that shouting wasn’t going to change what had happened.
“I-I’m sorry, I just- I didn’t want this to happen, I mean, when you came knocking on the door I guess I panicked a little because I thought maybe you had read it, then I realised it was stupid, so I figured you were here to say your last goodbye properly. That’s what I wanted, for you to say goodbye. A-and I hope you’re still here to do that.”
Jack nodded slowly whilst trying to make sense of what Alex had blurted, all he could understand was that Alex didn’t want him to stay.
“S-so you want me to say goodbye, i-is that it?”
Alex shrugged in response, mumbling a “Yeah, I guess…” but then he took a breath before saying, “I want you to go back to America, ‘cause as you’ve just read, it’s where you belong.”
“How do you know where I belong?” Jack was quick to respond.
Adding another shrug, Alex sighed, “I don’t… but I just think life would be easier if you went back home.”
Home was another silly word that Jack wished Alex wouldn’t use. The other still hadn’t seemed to grasp that ‘home’ was not a single place, it wasn’t just one area, it was lots of different places if it needed to be.
Jack’s home was Alex, ‘cause home is where the heart is.
“What if I don’t want to go?” Jack asked quietly, his fingers combing through his fringe that was still damp.
“Then I’d say you were stupid.”
“That’s nothing new.”
Alex managed to lightly chuckle as Jack replied, “You’re right,” He agreed, “But still, I know you’d be better off without me.” He finally admitted, ignoring the pain in his chest that he imagined to be a shard of glass slicing through the ridiculous organ he called a heart. “So can you please just say goodbye and go? I really don’t want this to be harder than it already is, I don’t think I could take much more of it…”
Jack didn’t want to say goodbye though, not knowing that what Alex had written was true to every detail.
“I-I just can’t understand why you think you’re so bad for me.” He managed to say, though forgetting that perhaps it was his own fault for drilling into Alex’s mind that he wasn’t good enough. He hadn’t realised how much it affected a boy when they heard that their other half didn’t believe they loved them, and accused them of loving wrong. “I-I know you love me now…”
Alex was left laughing through disbelief, “Yeah, now. You didn’t believe me back then, and that’s why I wrote the letter. You were supposed to realise I loved you from the very first day when it was too late for you to come back, that way the words would sink in so much deeper and you’d want to follow the advice I gave you. I want you to go and live the life you’ve always dreamed of, with a man who’ll treat you with their best intentions.”
Jack sniffed as a single tear rolled down his cheek, “B-but you’re that man, a-and you’re always going to be that man.” He answered back, “The fact you’re giving up your own happiness to help my own is something that nobody else has done for me before, and nobody else ever will. If anything, I thought you’d be better without me a-and now I just don’t know.”
The move to America was supposed to be a choice that both wanted for one another, yet the more both boys thought about their own decisions, the more they seemed to crumble at their fingertips as their minds began to slowly change.
“Well, what do you want out of this all, Jack?” The English boy asked as he lifted a hand to gently place on the other’s cheek. “It’s your decision in the end, and not mine. You know that I want you to go, but it’s not because I don’t love you. I love you with every inch of me, baby,” The boy said softly as his eyes flickered to meet Jack’s, his thumb gently stroking the other’s pale skin. “And as you said, you know that I do now, so just keep that with you. Know that this silly little boy will always love you, will always be thinking of you, so you never have to be alone.”
And ever so daringly, Alex closed his eyes to press a light kiss to the other’s chapped lips.
“But,” He began as he leant back too soon, “I know there will be somebody else who deserves you more than I do, and taking that plane ride is one step closer to finding them. Please don’t think that you can’t leave now if you wanted to in the first place, ‘cause this wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. Y-your mum shouldn’t have told you to read it, I-I don’t know why she did-“
Now it was Jack’s turn to interrupt, as he’d held his tongue for far too long.
“She did it because she knew how unhappy I was without you.” The boy commented as realisation set in and his voice became softer and quieter, “She wants me to stay…”
Jack closed his eyes as he lifted his hand and placed it against the one Alex had against his cheek. He threaded their fingers as he choked out a sob, “I-I don’t know what I want…” He whispered, his words barely audible yet loud enough for Alex to hear.
“Yes you do, Jack,” The other replied back, “You know exactly what you want. I-It’s right there in your heart, but it’s what’s going on in your head that’s making you second guess yourself. Just listen to your heart and tell me what it says, where do you think you’ll be happiest?”
And as Jack opened his eyes, the answer was simple.
It was right there in front of him in the form of a boy with a poor sense of style that he once thought he’d fixed.
“With you, Alex, I will always be happiest when I’m with you.”
“Y-you promise?”
“I promise.”