(no subject)
As I have indicated in past posts, I don't feel as positive as I could about my life right now. Things are fine, but there are definitely some problem areas. And "fine" isn't what I want my life to be. I want stimulation, excitement. I want adventures. I'm going to use this space to articulate my thoughts on this subject and analyze my patterns as well as come up with ideas for solutions. I'm going to try to do this without being falsely determinative and unrealistic.
Basically, my most consistent criticism of myself is that I have not accomplished what I feel to be a healthy amount for me by this time in my life. I have modest goals of continuing to create new artwork on a regular basis, making my own website to show and sell my stuff, and submitting pieces to galleries, art shows, coffee houses, etc. Mind you, my goal right now isn't even to actually sell any work or be accepted by any galleries, but just to submit it.
These goals should be within my reach. They are completely reasonable and are the basic building blocks required for me to achieve the kind of future I would like. Yet today was another day where I went to work, came home, ate dinner with Bj, then proceeded to waste the entire evening away watching one of the discs from the third season of Lost. ( Which, ok, wasn't a total waste because Lost is saweeeet. ) But the point is that it's this way every evening. I come home and I'm tired/stressed and end up cuddling up with Bj and popping in a movie or a show that allows me to relax and escape from my own life. And I know that this is normal and everybody does it. I'm over-doing it.
The weird part is I've become such a drone I can't even stay in touch with any of my friends. One of my best friend lives right here in town with her husband and new baby. I should be over there every chance I get visiting her and seeing her kid and all that. But on the rare occasion that I'm not at work or too tired/crabby from work to do anything social, I still hesitate to call her. She doesn't want you to come over. It's not a good time. You're just going to bother her and get in her way, the little voices in my head tell me. And it's those crazy, paralyzing voices that ALWAYS plant a seed of doubt in my mind and ultimately prevent me from doing things that I really want to do.
In my opinion, one of the main things that is causing me to not work through and grow past this character flaw is simply my location. I grew up in Lansing. I got through all of my awkward adolescent years here. Every one of those years was absolutely riddled with self-doubt. Honestly, it has been a problem for me since I was a child. When I moved out on my own to go to college in Mount Pleasant, my self-confidence began to improve. I had lots of new challenges and adventures. Good, good times, as all of you know. By the time I graduated I had grown so much emotionally and mentally that it was almost humorous for me to look back and remember the way I used to be.
Now, I'm in Lansing again and reverting back to my old ways. I don't know why I came back here. I guess I just didn't know where else to go. After college people's lives tend to be career-driven and I am career-less. I'm lost. But not in a science fiction adventure story way like in TV Lost. I need a change of scenery. Being in Lansing is stunting my growth. Having my parents nearby isn't helping either. Not that I think it's hurting me, but it's probably making me less self-sufficient than I otherwise would be. My dad still looks over my car for me and helps out with fixing it when it breaks, for example.
Maybe it's also that I feel like I didn't choose Lansing. I just ended up here by default, or something. Bj and I talked about where we might want to move and we agreed that it will be a city much larger and hipper than here. Maybe Boston, or Madison, or even Chicago. Or somewhere just outside one of those cities. Denver might be fun to explore. It really doesn't matter. It just has to be someplace that we choose. I feel in my heart that a big move away from my safety zone and from my well-worn rut will stimulate me and give me some much needed energy to feel motivated again, to want to constantly be working on projects again, to fucking care about something again. Bj is making some bank at his job and is on the cusp of having an impressive title for resume purposes, so we decided to re-sign the lease one more time when it runs out in September and stick it out for about another year and a half. This makes the most sense, financially speaking, but man, I'm ready to move NOW.
So now, obviously, I need to come up with ways to improve my outlook and be more productive for the duration of my time here. That's for another live journal though.
p.s. I'm still unsure about the teaching abroad thing, just in case any of you were wondering. People keep asking me about it since I was so hot for this idea last year. I still have a burning desire to live in another country for a long period of time, but the inconvenient fact remains that I don't want to teach and would probably be terrible at it. Is this self-doubt or just knowing my own personality? I honestly don't know. I'm keeping it on the back burner and waiting until i have more clear feelings on the matter.
Basically, my most consistent criticism of myself is that I have not accomplished what I feel to be a healthy amount for me by this time in my life. I have modest goals of continuing to create new artwork on a regular basis, making my own website to show and sell my stuff, and submitting pieces to galleries, art shows, coffee houses, etc. Mind you, my goal right now isn't even to actually sell any work or be accepted by any galleries, but just to submit it.
These goals should be within my reach. They are completely reasonable and are the basic building blocks required for me to achieve the kind of future I would like. Yet today was another day where I went to work, came home, ate dinner with Bj, then proceeded to waste the entire evening away watching one of the discs from the third season of Lost. ( Which, ok, wasn't a total waste because Lost is saweeeet. ) But the point is that it's this way every evening. I come home and I'm tired/stressed and end up cuddling up with Bj and popping in a movie or a show that allows me to relax and escape from my own life. And I know that this is normal and everybody does it. I'm over-doing it.
The weird part is I've become such a drone I can't even stay in touch with any of my friends. One of my best friend lives right here in town with her husband and new baby. I should be over there every chance I get visiting her and seeing her kid and all that. But on the rare occasion that I'm not at work or too tired/crabby from work to do anything social, I still hesitate to call her. She doesn't want you to come over. It's not a good time. You're just going to bother her and get in her way, the little voices in my head tell me. And it's those crazy, paralyzing voices that ALWAYS plant a seed of doubt in my mind and ultimately prevent me from doing things that I really want to do.
In my opinion, one of the main things that is causing me to not work through and grow past this character flaw is simply my location. I grew up in Lansing. I got through all of my awkward adolescent years here. Every one of those years was absolutely riddled with self-doubt. Honestly, it has been a problem for me since I was a child. When I moved out on my own to go to college in Mount Pleasant, my self-confidence began to improve. I had lots of new challenges and adventures. Good, good times, as all of you know. By the time I graduated I had grown so much emotionally and mentally that it was almost humorous for me to look back and remember the way I used to be.
Now, I'm in Lansing again and reverting back to my old ways. I don't know why I came back here. I guess I just didn't know where else to go. After college people's lives tend to be career-driven and I am career-less. I'm lost. But not in a science fiction adventure story way like in TV Lost. I need a change of scenery. Being in Lansing is stunting my growth. Having my parents nearby isn't helping either. Not that I think it's hurting me, but it's probably making me less self-sufficient than I otherwise would be. My dad still looks over my car for me and helps out with fixing it when it breaks, for example.
Maybe it's also that I feel like I didn't choose Lansing. I just ended up here by default, or something. Bj and I talked about where we might want to move and we agreed that it will be a city much larger and hipper than here. Maybe Boston, or Madison, or even Chicago. Or somewhere just outside one of those cities. Denver might be fun to explore. It really doesn't matter. It just has to be someplace that we choose. I feel in my heart that a big move away from my safety zone and from my well-worn rut will stimulate me and give me some much needed energy to feel motivated again, to want to constantly be working on projects again, to fucking care about something again. Bj is making some bank at his job and is on the cusp of having an impressive title for resume purposes, so we decided to re-sign the lease one more time when it runs out in September and stick it out for about another year and a half. This makes the most sense, financially speaking, but man, I'm ready to move NOW.
So now, obviously, I need to come up with ways to improve my outlook and be more productive for the duration of my time here. That's for another live journal though.
p.s. I'm still unsure about the teaching abroad thing, just in case any of you were wondering. People keep asking me about it since I was so hot for this idea last year. I still have a burning desire to live in another country for a long period of time, but the inconvenient fact remains that I don't want to teach and would probably be terrible at it. Is this self-doubt or just knowing my own personality? I honestly don't know. I'm keeping it on the back burner and waiting until i have more clear feelings on the matter.