(no subject)
i finally talked to rj. thursday night i ended up just calling him, to tell him that i wanted to talk to him and stuff.. he didn't answer and i went to bed. he called me back at 4am that night asking me to please come talk to him in his car. i said no because it was too late and my mom would be waking up in like a half an hour... he just started apologizing a ton, and when i asked what for all he said was "i'm sorry for waking you up at 4:30.. i'm sorry you have to wake up in an hour.. i'm sorry that i haven't answered your phone calls lately." and i told him it was okay not to worry about it.. then he started rambling about how it's illegal again, and asking me what i thought and stuff. obviously i really don't know what to think, so i guess i'm the wrong person to ask... but he was really worried about it, or seemed so. THEN he said "i want to see you so bad, are you sure?" and i don't know if anyone understands how hard it is for me to restrain!!! even if my mom found out or caught me, like it's STILL hard to be like yes i'm sure!!!! when i just wanna be like well i'm awake so i'll just walk outside right now... regardless of how much trouble i'd get into and stuff even! anyway. i ended up not seeing him or talking to him until saturday night. i called him at 1 and he called me back (we kind of have a habit of playing phone tag) and he said he was a little fired up because nate foreman, some hard ass i guess, "cold cocked" one of his buddies. he was talking to me about it a lot and telling me the scenario, and i'm not gonna lie i felt important almost and he was asking me what i thought he should do. im not one to encourage rj not to get in fights, because i know he will win. he's quite the bad ass, but any other boy i'd definitely say no to the fighting. but of course i told him to beat some ass. i don't know, the point is i talked to him a lot and he kept calling me all night to make sure i stayed awake until 2 when he had said he was going to come get me. when 2:30 came he called me and asked if he could stop by and i said i was at my dads.. then he got all disappointed and said "WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL call me when you're back at your house on j street." it was such a disappointment and when i started to be like "ugh well... uh i stayed up this late and now --??" and bitching at him he cut me off and used the whole IS THAT OKAY BABY? thing.. in a very stern voice, which kind of pisses me off because it's almost like he's mocking me, being like "you know you can't bitch and talk to me like that and you're damn right it's okay." which sucks that he's like that, but there have been instances where i would be drunk or flipping out and he'd say "PAIGE YOU KNOW YOU CAN NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THIS."
weird to think about him being like that, but sometimes he is even as much as he is a sweet talker.
i don't know, it was really good to talk to him though and so good that i'm almost afraid of what's gonna happen when i actually SEE him again.
i guess i started falling but now i just got used to it. i caught myself, more or less.. and this time i think i've really got this all straightened out. i realize that for a him & i to even EXIST, i've got to be able to feed every emotion that involves love to someone else. giving him my love is probably the worst thing i could do right now becuase he really doesn't love me back. and though i may love him i'd never ever admit to that no matter how logical it is. i'd sooner admit to loving him than i would dozz, which is in a sense depressing for me. but what can i do about it? that's what sucks is that the main thing me and dozz lack is any form of passion or want. which is actually kind of important to me but i feel like i'm just going absolutely nowhere, to be honest.
i'm trying to control things so much when i don't at all, and all of this is probably for the most part inevitable anyway. its much too hard for me to have a person in my own brain and heart for so long without feeling as close to him as i do. i'm always going to want it and i do. he's always going to be my favorite, probably that is until i find someone else better.. and dozz is not better which really doesn't help. at all. (everything good needs replacing) but it's whatever. rj is my perfect lover, and everything that i could ever normally want. i have learned a lot from him but that was probably the most important thing -- just showing me a perfect example of perfection. but in the end i just thank him for taking me, and i thank myself 100 times more for letting him have me. i have no regrets regarding you and i.
mexican food after probably drinking too much
weird to think about him being like that, but sometimes he is even as much as he is a sweet talker.
i don't know, it was really good to talk to him though and so good that i'm almost afraid of what's gonna happen when i actually SEE him again.
i guess i started falling but now i just got used to it. i caught myself, more or less.. and this time i think i've really got this all straightened out. i realize that for a him & i to even EXIST, i've got to be able to feed every emotion that involves love to someone else. giving him my love is probably the worst thing i could do right now becuase he really doesn't love me back. and though i may love him i'd never ever admit to that no matter how logical it is. i'd sooner admit to loving him than i would dozz, which is in a sense depressing for me. but what can i do about it? that's what sucks is that the main thing me and dozz lack is any form of passion or want. which is actually kind of important to me but i feel like i'm just going absolutely nowhere, to be honest.
i'm trying to control things so much when i don't at all, and all of this is probably for the most part inevitable anyway. its much too hard for me to have a person in my own brain and heart for so long without feeling as close to him as i do. i'm always going to want it and i do. he's always going to be my favorite, probably that is until i find someone else better.. and dozz is not better which really doesn't help. at all. (everything good needs replacing) but it's whatever. rj is my perfect lover, and everything that i could ever normally want. i have learned a lot from him but that was probably the most important thing -- just showing me a perfect example of perfection. but in the end i just thank him for taking me, and i thank myself 100 times more for letting him have me. i have no regrets regarding you and i.
mexican food after probably drinking too much