(no subject)
UGHHHHH. what a pointless weekend. but a weekend, nonetheless.
actually now that i think about it, it wasn't pointless -- friday night i had fun. went over to corys with jenna and anna and i got really drunk for some reason... hm. i was happy and hugging everyone and kissing everyone and i was in such a good mood and then i ended up in corys room with seth watching some tv show on satellite and i was like "i'm gonna puke" and so i went upstairs and just puked. if i ever let myself drink vodka again i'll jump off a cliff... which is such a lie because i know i'll be drinking it again but oh well. it's weird how you know when you're gonna puke but i always do even if i'm wasted into oblivion. anyway, after that i was like wow i need to get the FUCK out of here and i just wanted to go home and lay down with someone (which is normally how i feel after i throw up from drinking) so me and anna went home with rabel... and went to my house and jenna met up with us later because she was having sex with dan. who would have known? now they are an item and it's weird because jenna doesn't really have boyfriends but still i'm happy for her. sooo the girls and me went home and smoked a bunch and i felt better after that. earlier in the night i'd called rj, and he just said well shit let me call you in a couple minutes which is what he usually says... so i waited for a while, and as i was about to pass out my phone rang, and it was his ring and so i knew it was him. for a moment i had to stop, though, and say hold on what? wait a second is it really him? which is also usually how i respond when i hear his ring... it flusters me. he just said "well you should call me tomorrow night because i'm at mcdonalds." and i asked why, he said "because it iS illegal." and i said what's illegal? and he said "you and i." and i said... "it's going to be illegal tomorrow night too." and he said "yeah but at least we won't have witnesses." because i guess he was with a bunch of his boyfriends, and i was with my girlfriends. what a fucking douche bag. after that i want to ask him so many things, like what is wrong with you? do you have some kind of split personality disorder, or are you just extremely bipolar because last time i saw you and I brought that up, you said "do you really think i care about that?" and mentioned two reasons why you actually don't. or even just ask him myself, TO LEAD ME ON A LITTLE BIT MORE PLEASE. but really.. WHAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING POINT? i don't know why i care so much. it's just the little bit of me that escapes through the guard i put up and i can't help but care. he doesn't care so why should i? i hadn't talked to him in a couple weeks, haven't seen him since... even longer. i don't know though, to be honest, i didn't really have any desire. after the last time i saw him (which was kind of... memorable, i mean) i really started spending more time with dozz because his grades are so shitty he can't play basketball, but the more time i spend with dozz the more i realize i'm so fucking insecure and it's sooooo ridiculous! why should i be this insecure!? i shouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god damn it.
basically i'm saying, if i'm being asked to choose, then i'm not really interested in either of them. but no ones asking me to choose because no one really knows how split i am. im just sitting here, waiting for something to change or happen because i'm too scared to do it myself. i'm too scared that if i make things clear to myself, i'm going to realize it was a huge mistake. but rj and me... i don't know. we're practically done. notice, also, that the second that i say that to myself i'm clued in suddenly that we're NOT done. basically i just need to tell dozz that i want him in my bed, that's all. i'm so excited for break it's not even funny. SAY HELL YES TO NO BASKETBALL OVER CHRISTMAS, cos i am.
fuck.
most the snow melted and i'm kinda happy about it, i'm not gonna lie.. today i bought new jeans from ae and a new candle and some new make up at target. good. me and kenz bonded cos we usually do on sundays. i fund a bunch of weed in my freezer, so that was fun. we definitely took some of it. i changed my sheets on my bed and it's pretty dank. i hate dirty sheets, ewww.
actually now that i think about it, it wasn't pointless -- friday night i had fun. went over to corys with jenna and anna and i got really drunk for some reason... hm. i was happy and hugging everyone and kissing everyone and i was in such a good mood and then i ended up in corys room with seth watching some tv show on satellite and i was like "i'm gonna puke" and so i went upstairs and just puked. if i ever let myself drink vodka again i'll jump off a cliff... which is such a lie because i know i'll be drinking it again but oh well. it's weird how you know when you're gonna puke but i always do even if i'm wasted into oblivion. anyway, after that i was like wow i need to get the FUCK out of here and i just wanted to go home and lay down with someone (which is normally how i feel after i throw up from drinking) so me and anna went home with rabel... and went to my house and jenna met up with us later because she was having sex with dan. who would have known? now they are an item and it's weird because jenna doesn't really have boyfriends but still i'm happy for her. sooo the girls and me went home and smoked a bunch and i felt better after that. earlier in the night i'd called rj, and he just said well shit let me call you in a couple minutes which is what he usually says... so i waited for a while, and as i was about to pass out my phone rang, and it was his ring and so i knew it was him. for a moment i had to stop, though, and say hold on what? wait a second is it really him? which is also usually how i respond when i hear his ring... it flusters me. he just said "well you should call me tomorrow night because i'm at mcdonalds." and i asked why, he said "because it iS illegal." and i said what's illegal? and he said "you and i." and i said... "it's going to be illegal tomorrow night too." and he said "yeah but at least we won't have witnesses." because i guess he was with a bunch of his boyfriends, and i was with my girlfriends. what a fucking douche bag. after that i want to ask him so many things, like what is wrong with you? do you have some kind of split personality disorder, or are you just extremely bipolar because last time i saw you and I brought that up, you said "do you really think i care about that?" and mentioned two reasons why you actually don't. or even just ask him myself, TO LEAD ME ON A LITTLE BIT MORE PLEASE. but really.. WHAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING POINT? i don't know why i care so much. it's just the little bit of me that escapes through the guard i put up and i can't help but care. he doesn't care so why should i? i hadn't talked to him in a couple weeks, haven't seen him since... even longer. i don't know though, to be honest, i didn't really have any desire. after the last time i saw him (which was kind of... memorable, i mean) i really started spending more time with dozz because his grades are so shitty he can't play basketball, but the more time i spend with dozz the more i realize i'm so fucking insecure and it's sooooo ridiculous! why should i be this insecure!? i shouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god damn it.
basically i'm saying, if i'm being asked to choose, then i'm not really interested in either of them. but no ones asking me to choose because no one really knows how split i am. im just sitting here, waiting for something to change or happen because i'm too scared to do it myself. i'm too scared that if i make things clear to myself, i'm going to realize it was a huge mistake. but rj and me... i don't know. we're practically done. notice, also, that the second that i say that to myself i'm clued in suddenly that we're NOT done. basically i just need to tell dozz that i want him in my bed, that's all. i'm so excited for break it's not even funny. SAY HELL YES TO NO BASKETBALL OVER CHRISTMAS, cos i am.
fuck.
most the snow melted and i'm kinda happy about it, i'm not gonna lie.. today i bought new jeans from ae and a new candle and some new make up at target. good. me and kenz bonded cos we usually do on sundays. i fund a bunch of weed in my freezer, so that was fun. we definitely took some of it. i changed my sheets on my bed and it's pretty dank. i hate dirty sheets, ewww.