Breach
Here again, for pretty much the same reasons. We just finished watching Donnie Darko, so I've finally seen it, after being told I should watch it for so long. Eh, it wasn't as great as everyone had built it up to be, but it was good, and worth the time spent watching it - can't say that for many things.
Today didn't go as planned - I woke up late, but managed to get a taxi into work to arrive just before 12 in time to build and distribute the latest version of the new client, only to find that it would immediately throw an ArgumentNullException on startup, which it hadn't been doing the previous night when I was ensuring it was ready for the morning. It turned out to be something very small, which was caused by a difference in configuration between my own computer and the machines in the office, but by the time it was fixed and rebuilt a few orders had already been placed through the old system, and whilst I've done it before, everyone would just get pissed off at me if I changed it at that point, so I left it. Instead we just worked our way though some more of the tasks on the critical/major list, on which we didn't do too badly - down to six now, two of which are the unreproducibles and the other four are missing features, not bugs.
I guess I should be intending to go ahead with it again today, since Monday to Wednesday are the only days when it's really appropriate, and the first two have already been wasted, but... I really don't want to. Graham will be off somewhere with Rachel, and whilst I don't anticipate any problems, I just don't want to have to deal with it. I should probably do it anyway, though, I can't think of any good reasons why not.
My dream. I don't know why I'm documenting this here, but I don't have anywhere else any more, and it had some vague kind of meaning to me so I don't want to lose it. It initially started at Adam's house, but I don't think that portion was related to the rest of it. We all went out shopping somewhere and that seemed to be the end of it. The second part however, I remember a lot more clearly. Me, Graham and Rachel all owned this house together. We were preparing for a visit from three girls, friends of ours from a far away place - the other two were talking to them online, but I was tired and I went to bed instead. The next day, we met up with them at Oakmead, my old secondary school. I don't really know why we were there, but were there rightfully - not as students, but for some other valid reason. I found myself flirting with one of them in particular, though I don't know who any of them were. We all began boarding some bus, along with a lot of other people. One of the girls was calling for me to come and sit with her, so I did. It wasn't the one I'd been flirting with, it was the opposite - one I hadn't really been interested in - but she gradually became the same thing. She didn't change, not in appearance or in exchanging places with the other one in any way, but her 'meaning' changed. It's hard to explain. We were all getting on well anyway, and I ended up with my arm around her, kind of stroking her whilst we were talking, but somehow nothing that was 'inappropriate'. Until I suddenly kissed her. She was shocked and upset, but not angry, and I knew I'd made a bad choice. Her reaction... surprised me. She wasn't upset with me at all, just... disappointed in a way. I'd betrayed some kind of trust that she'd given me, and she just wanted me to see that. I apologised, lots, and she forgave me for it. I hugged her and she cried. Them everything changed, and we fell in love, but in a way that meant we would never be together, and never wanted to be because that wasn't what it was for.
Essentially, something I consistently said it was if not impossible then at least wrong to feel. I have made a point of never sharing love with more than one. I have never said it to anyone but the one I am with, not even my family or friends, not even casually or in passing. I've had so many people say it to me, meaning nothing more than friendship, and I've refused to answer them on this principle. It actually upset me when Shanna used to tell her friends that she loved them, because it was for me, and only me! But it is possible, and it's not wrong.
She was mumbling something. What I could make out sounded like "is a boy more important?". More important than what, I asked, and she replied "becoming part of history.". I thought for a moment, and said quietly "We all become part of history". Then Chris Jenkins, a friend from school was there, and seemed annoyed at her for questioning this. He said something about how she'd been up all night with his brother discussing this, and he thought that she'd come to a conclusion. She just cried, and I felt so sad for her and hugged her, and yet so happy that I loved her. She was my friend.
Yes, maybe I'm searching for meaning where there is nothing, but if I want to find something here then let me. It may have been a dream and not real life, but I did yet one more thing that I thought was not me. Something else that I've maintained was wrong and would not happen, happened. Yet this one, I don't feel bad about. This is okay. Maybe I've learnt something about how much those close to me mean to me.
Since Shanna's leaving, and my time with Adele, I've seen so much emotion that I've never seen before. It's a shame that a lot of it has been negative, particularly regarding Shanna's actions, but there's been a lot of positive too. I've felt extremes of anger that I've never known before, but I know that previously unseen extremes of love are waiting there too. The price I pay for that is my stability. I get upset when I lose at Unreal Tournament now, It's just a game, but I feel failure and disappointment in myself. And I am being so needy to Shanna right now, which is incredibly frustrating, because she can't satisfy it, not to mention ironic considering how I kept asking Adele not to need me so much. I don't think Shanna really believes me when I try to tell her what I need at the moment, but why would she? I've never been this way before. It'll all relax again next month, but right now I feel very, very alone and afraid.
Well, it's been over an hour since I started now, and my tea has been long since consumed. I should get some sleep.
Today didn't go as planned - I woke up late, but managed to get a taxi into work to arrive just before 12 in time to build and distribute the latest version of the new client, only to find that it would immediately throw an ArgumentNullException on startup, which it hadn't been doing the previous night when I was ensuring it was ready for the morning. It turned out to be something very small, which was caused by a difference in configuration between my own computer and the machines in the office, but by the time it was fixed and rebuilt a few orders had already been placed through the old system, and whilst I've done it before, everyone would just get pissed off at me if I changed it at that point, so I left it. Instead we just worked our way though some more of the tasks on the critical/major list, on which we didn't do too badly - down to six now, two of which are the unreproducibles and the other four are missing features, not bugs.
I guess I should be intending to go ahead with it again today, since Monday to Wednesday are the only days when it's really appropriate, and the first two have already been wasted, but... I really don't want to. Graham will be off somewhere with Rachel, and whilst I don't anticipate any problems, I just don't want to have to deal with it. I should probably do it anyway, though, I can't think of any good reasons why not.
My dream. I don't know why I'm documenting this here, but I don't have anywhere else any more, and it had some vague kind of meaning to me so I don't want to lose it. It initially started at Adam's house, but I don't think that portion was related to the rest of it. We all went out shopping somewhere and that seemed to be the end of it. The second part however, I remember a lot more clearly. Me, Graham and Rachel all owned this house together. We were preparing for a visit from three girls, friends of ours from a far away place - the other two were talking to them online, but I was tired and I went to bed instead. The next day, we met up with them at Oakmead, my old secondary school. I don't really know why we were there, but were there rightfully - not as students, but for some other valid reason. I found myself flirting with one of them in particular, though I don't know who any of them were. We all began boarding some bus, along with a lot of other people. One of the girls was calling for me to come and sit with her, so I did. It wasn't the one I'd been flirting with, it was the opposite - one I hadn't really been interested in - but she gradually became the same thing. She didn't change, not in appearance or in exchanging places with the other one in any way, but her 'meaning' changed. It's hard to explain. We were all getting on well anyway, and I ended up with my arm around her, kind of stroking her whilst we were talking, but somehow nothing that was 'inappropriate'. Until I suddenly kissed her. She was shocked and upset, but not angry, and I knew I'd made a bad choice. Her reaction... surprised me. She wasn't upset with me at all, just... disappointed in a way. I'd betrayed some kind of trust that she'd given me, and she just wanted me to see that. I apologised, lots, and she forgave me for it. I hugged her and she cried. Them everything changed, and we fell in love, but in a way that meant we would never be together, and never wanted to be because that wasn't what it was for.
Essentially, something I consistently said it was if not impossible then at least wrong to feel. I have made a point of never sharing love with more than one. I have never said it to anyone but the one I am with, not even my family or friends, not even casually or in passing. I've had so many people say it to me, meaning nothing more than friendship, and I've refused to answer them on this principle. It actually upset me when Shanna used to tell her friends that she loved them, because it was for me, and only me! But it is possible, and it's not wrong.
She was mumbling something. What I could make out sounded like "is a boy more important?". More important than what, I asked, and she replied "becoming part of history.". I thought for a moment, and said quietly "We all become part of history". Then Chris Jenkins, a friend from school was there, and seemed annoyed at her for questioning this. He said something about how she'd been up all night with his brother discussing this, and he thought that she'd come to a conclusion. She just cried, and I felt so sad for her and hugged her, and yet so happy that I loved her. She was my friend.
Yes, maybe I'm searching for meaning where there is nothing, but if I want to find something here then let me. It may have been a dream and not real life, but I did yet one more thing that I thought was not me. Something else that I've maintained was wrong and would not happen, happened. Yet this one, I don't feel bad about. This is okay. Maybe I've learnt something about how much those close to me mean to me.
Since Shanna's leaving, and my time with Adele, I've seen so much emotion that I've never seen before. It's a shame that a lot of it has been negative, particularly regarding Shanna's actions, but there's been a lot of positive too. I've felt extremes of anger that I've never known before, but I know that previously unseen extremes of love are waiting there too. The price I pay for that is my stability. I get upset when I lose at Unreal Tournament now, It's just a game, but I feel failure and disappointment in myself. And I am being so needy to Shanna right now, which is incredibly frustrating, because she can't satisfy it, not to mention ironic considering how I kept asking Adele not to need me so much. I don't think Shanna really believes me when I try to tell her what I need at the moment, but why would she? I've never been this way before. It'll all relax again next month, but right now I feel very, very alone and afraid.
Well, it's been over an hour since I started now, and my tea has been long since consumed. I should get some sleep.