Waste V
I don't recall the last time I felt this bad. Only one word is on my mind at the moment: waste. When Graham and I were watching my Matchbox Twenty DVD the other night, there's a part right before the end when Rob Thomas says something to the audience about how as you get older, you realise the only thing that matters, that has any currency, is your time, and I've come to agree. I'm twenty-one, and apparently this is young; I keep having people tell me about how there's still so much life ahead of me and how I've barely lived yet. Excuse me, but whilst I know very well that there's a long way to go yet, twenty-one years is no short amount of time. What've I got to show for it? The first few years are spent learning how to be human, which can't really be avoided. Then there's a massive thirteen years wasted in education. Yeah I know that can't really be avoided either - I mean it's pretty useful that I can write, perform simple maths, and understand basic science - but there are better ways I could've learnt, and without all the useless knowledge that I'll never use in my life, and certainly without the appalling social experience. I gained and almost lost one single friend from my primary school, and gained and have kept one single friend from my secondary school. And then college, oh what a complete waste of time that was. Two years for a piece of paper that is almost completely worthless, and has a bad grade on it anyway because I couldn't be bothered to put the effort in. The last four years or so trying to build the foundation for a future, trying to start up in business, and always seeming to be 'about to make it', but somehow still never actually getting there. Then finally, the last six years spent building a relationship with Shanna, a life for us to share and a family, and all the things we've been through... so that she could change her mind and leave because she thinks she's seen something better. My life so far is a waste of time.
This isn't changing at the moment either. I'm still awake at 2am again, and I'll waste all of the morning sleeping, get into work late, then waste the working day by achieving very little. When I get home I'll waste the evening doing nothing. And the last few months? I wasted my time going to Scotland. I wasted all my money going to Scotland. Every last bit of my savings are gone now, so it was a waste of time earning them, especially since what I was saving it all for, me and Shanna, doesn't exist any more. I'm trying to be social and make pseudofriends, but that's pointless too - they're unlikely to ever be worth anything to me.
Actually, I think the only person I really believe in any more is Graham. We've been friends probably about nine years now, and in that time he's earned a lot of respect and trust and deserves all of it. Some of it was even earned in disagreement, and it's the honesty and moral integrity I value so much. It's truly saddening to think that such 'simple' values are rare among people, but they are. Even the one other person I truly thought I could trust has turned her back on me. Between us and a couple of other people I respect but don't know well, we probably represent what is the last shreds of my faith in humanity. In the midst of all the scum, there are a few good people. I only hope I can find a few more of them before I die.
I cooked myself a couple of pizza-pies and potato things, but after eating half, I realised I really wasn't enjoying it and threw the rest away. What a waste.
This isn't changing at the moment either. I'm still awake at 2am again, and I'll waste all of the morning sleeping, get into work late, then waste the working day by achieving very little. When I get home I'll waste the evening doing nothing. And the last few months? I wasted my time going to Scotland. I wasted all my money going to Scotland. Every last bit of my savings are gone now, so it was a waste of time earning them, especially since what I was saving it all for, me and Shanna, doesn't exist any more. I'm trying to be social and make pseudofriends, but that's pointless too - they're unlikely to ever be worth anything to me.
Actually, I think the only person I really believe in any more is Graham. We've been friends probably about nine years now, and in that time he's earned a lot of respect and trust and deserves all of it. Some of it was even earned in disagreement, and it's the honesty and moral integrity I value so much. It's truly saddening to think that such 'simple' values are rare among people, but they are. Even the one other person I truly thought I could trust has turned her back on me. Between us and a couple of other people I respect but don't know well, we probably represent what is the last shreds of my faith in humanity. In the midst of all the scum, there are a few good people. I only hope I can find a few more of them before I die.
I cooked myself a couple of pizza-pies and potato things, but after eating half, I realised I really wasn't enjoying it and threw the rest away. What a waste.