Betrayal VIII
The epic continues. Friday morning, after staying up all the previous night and morning with Graham, I got a text message from Shanna. It said just 'Hello, i need more time than i thought so i wont be able to get my things on the 7th.'. Yeah, she's gone and changed it again. I called, about seven or eight times in total, and got no answer. I gave up in disgust and started doing something else, when I get another text. There began the worst conversation I think we've ever had. It looks a little strange listed all together, but keep in mind there's a good five to ten minutes or so between each exchange, and that is a long time in terms of feelings, and that this came after a few more days of being completely ignored.
Shanna:I'm in church at the moment just text me what you want to tell me
Me:No, I will talk to you. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:Im going to geraldines moms right after its her birthday today
Me:Maybe you are but you can spare five minutes. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:Not tonight
Me:Shanna, STOP AVOIDING ME. You can answer the damn phone for a few moments. Tell me when you're out!
Shanna:Im not avoiding you ashley im busy right now ive got to go we are about to sing
Me:You are avoiding me. You've got out of talking to me the last few days, then you say you're not coming saying only you 'need time', and now you still won't answer me even for a moment without any good reason. You are still treating me like absolute shit. Think of somebody but yourself for five seconds! You have dragged this out for two months! The flat is filled with the stuff you shoud've moved last week and you don't even care. You're still not being honest with me either. Why? What the fuck have I ever done to deserve any of this? If they ever called you whilst you were here you'd dive for the phone, it didn't matter what it interrupted, but you won't talk to me tonight for a few minutes? You just don't want to speak to me, but you know sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. Show some respect, show some consideration for something other than your own needs. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:No
Me:You have sunk lower than I ever thought possible. One day, you might realise, but it'll be far too late. If you think it's alright to go through life treating people like this, life will do it back to you, and I damn well hope you get what you deserve. Your three options: come on the 7th and remove your boxes, call me and explain yourself, or I will remove them for you and it won't involve shipping.
Shanna:Im sorry ashley but i cant face this right now please stop i am feeling to sick and tired from all the stress i need time for my healths sake please please stop
Me:No. What about my life and health too? You're not the only one feeling stressed and sick. All you ever do these days is make excuses. I am not going to shout at you, I want to talk to you. I will not be treated in this way by anybody, for any reason. I am asking very, very little. Face it now or you will run from it forever. I only want to speak to you. Tell me when you're out.
Shanna:Please you are hurting me i need time i cant think under the pressure i cant talk to scared about everything please just not tonight
Me:Sorry, but you are hurting me too. If I let you go today, you must give me a *guarenteed* date and time to talk to me. That's the only offer I'm willing to make. And say what you mean in the first place; this entire argument could've been avoided. What'll it be?
Shanna:Ill talk to you on yahoo tonight i cant name a time but i *guarantee* ill be on tonight
Me:Alright. Just don't make it where you come on and say 'I only have a few minutes', and don't do it so late that you're too tired, or have taken sleeping drugs. Give us some proper time. I will talk to you tonight, and leave you alone for now.
It's that straight 'No' I love the best. No. No what? No you won't show resepect and consideration for anybody else? Seems not. So, she'd promised to get online that night, but going by the responses I'd just had, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Indeed, it only got worse once she came on. It would really be a waste of time to even attempt to summarise what we talked about. Just another argument about who's right and wrong. I've never known anything more frustrating than talking to Shanna about what she's done, because it's like arguing with a child, or debating religion, or something equally futile. Her argument is always based on assumption, which is almost acceptable in itself, except that she won't be corrected. Apparently I was trying to manipulate her, and I just didn't know it. It didn't matter that I am myself, and I wasn't - no, I was and I just wasn't aware of it. Repeat this wondeful logic for... well, almost everything, and then add the fact that lying is okay as long as it's done in your own interest (yes, really) and you're coming close to what she's actually putting forward as her justification for her actions. Half of what she says is completely irrelevent, and everything else is completely unfounded or based upon misinterpretation. It's hopeless.
The only part really worth noting is that I decided to ask her what marriage actually meant to her. She told me, and I told her what it was to me. Seems we don't agree. I committed to stand by her through anything and everything, and I would do so until my death. She however, gave up, and seems to think nothing of it. She also said that if she needed to, she would do it again. She pointed out that I'd never actually asked her before what her views on such things were, which is very true, but I felt I could trust her. In any case, I imagine if I had asked her before she married me 'if you feel we're not working, will you tell me or will you hide it and leave me?' that the answer wouldn't have been the truth.
Then came the lies. Lie after lie after lie. It wouldn't be too far off to say that most of what she's said to me in the last two months has been lies, and it all came out tonight. And they're only the direct lies themselves; the more general deceit goes back months and months. It's sickening. Why the hell was she even living with me? And the way she just covered it all up. Acted happy, acted like she loved me. She says she did, and it's probably true, but the dishonesty was there even then. So much she was keeping from me. Every time I thought it couldn't really get any worse, she'd come out with something else and yet another thing I'd believed in would turn out to be false.
She wanted to leave again, so I just pointed out that it was the 5th, and that the 7th should have been when she was here to remove her things, so that would be the deadline to do it, or at least to give me something definate. I told her to be online tomorrow, and she left.
I waited all night at my parent's house, but she didn't show up. So, Sunday morning I spoke to Kim and suggested that she might want to tell Shanna what situation she's actually in, since she won't listen to me directly. She's here on a visa that could very soon be invalid, with no money, no right to work, and is refusing to speak to the only person who has any say in the matter, in the hope that it'll all go away. Hmm. And I have been patient for a long time, but am now fed up of being lied to again and again, and it had got to the point that I am going to start taking action against her, if only to make the point that she can't ignore me. Kim asked me to be more patient, and not do anything yet, but I explained I'd waited long enough already. In the end, though, she agreed she would call Shanna and try and explain that she had to act fast, and I promised her that I would do absolutely nothing for another week. So, I will take no action up until next Sunday, but on Monday morning, if Shanna has done nothing, I will write my formal letter to the IND and I will ship a bit of her stuff to some of her family in America. I think that is a fair action to take - actually disposing of her posessions would be an evil thing to do, but if I take no action at all, Shanna will continue to take the piss. At least if I send it back to America, it will be safe, and she will realise I meant what I said.
I sent her a text message the next morning, saying that it was Sunday, the day she was supposed to be here, and that she only had the day to contact me. She replied about an hour later, asking me to call, which I did. The phone conversation was much better than the one we'd had online. There is certainly something about the voice that can express meaning so much better than text ever can, and it makes a huge difference to the tone of a conversation, even if the words are the same. She talked about paying for storage somewhere, but I don't know how she would pay for that, it's quite expensive. She also said that her friend Mike had agreed that he wouldn't mind storing some, and she started agreeing again that she could come down within the next few days, whenever Mike was free, and finish packing the last of the stuff and move it to his place until she could afford to ship it. That isn't really necessary, because I'd already said I would lend her the money for shipping, but I think she ignored that bit. Anyway, she said she'd try and find out when he was available, and promised (yep, that word again) to get online that night.
She didn't. Again. She sent an email late that night saying she was at one of Chris' friends' house and so wouldn't be coming on. I don't care where she was, it was another promise broken. Another one that I would have kept, at any cost. The kind I have always kept, often sacrificing my own comfort and other plans. Then this evening, she sent another text message saying she still hadn't heard back from Mike, and that she wouldn't be online again because their internet connection was not working properly. It doesn't really matter to me, I've stated my part now. If she wastes this week, she'll regret it, simple as that; I won't accept any excuses. I sent her an email just reminding her that she only had until Sunday at the latest, and left it at that. Down to her again now.
Shanna:I'm in church at the moment just text me what you want to tell me
Me:No, I will talk to you. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:Im going to geraldines moms right after its her birthday today
Me:Maybe you are but you can spare five minutes. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:Not tonight
Me:Shanna, STOP AVOIDING ME. You can answer the damn phone for a few moments. Tell me when you're out!
Shanna:Im not avoiding you ashley im busy right now ive got to go we are about to sing
Me:You are avoiding me. You've got out of talking to me the last few days, then you say you're not coming saying only you 'need time', and now you still won't answer me even for a moment without any good reason. You are still treating me like absolute shit. Think of somebody but yourself for five seconds! You have dragged this out for two months! The flat is filled with the stuff you shoud've moved last week and you don't even care. You're still not being honest with me either. Why? What the fuck have I ever done to deserve any of this? If they ever called you whilst you were here you'd dive for the phone, it didn't matter what it interrupted, but you won't talk to me tonight for a few minutes? You just don't want to speak to me, but you know sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. Show some respect, show some consideration for something other than your own needs. Tell me when you're out
Shanna:No
Me:You have sunk lower than I ever thought possible. One day, you might realise, but it'll be far too late. If you think it's alright to go through life treating people like this, life will do it back to you, and I damn well hope you get what you deserve. Your three options: come on the 7th and remove your boxes, call me and explain yourself, or I will remove them for you and it won't involve shipping.
Shanna:Im sorry ashley but i cant face this right now please stop i am feeling to sick and tired from all the stress i need time for my healths sake please please stop
Me:No. What about my life and health too? You're not the only one feeling stressed and sick. All you ever do these days is make excuses. I am not going to shout at you, I want to talk to you. I will not be treated in this way by anybody, for any reason. I am asking very, very little. Face it now or you will run from it forever. I only want to speak to you. Tell me when you're out.
Shanna:Please you are hurting me i need time i cant think under the pressure i cant talk to scared about everything please just not tonight
Me:Sorry, but you are hurting me too. If I let you go today, you must give me a *guarenteed* date and time to talk to me. That's the only offer I'm willing to make. And say what you mean in the first place; this entire argument could've been avoided. What'll it be?
Shanna:Ill talk to you on yahoo tonight i cant name a time but i *guarantee* ill be on tonight
Me:Alright. Just don't make it where you come on and say 'I only have a few minutes', and don't do it so late that you're too tired, or have taken sleeping drugs. Give us some proper time. I will talk to you tonight, and leave you alone for now.
It's that straight 'No' I love the best. No. No what? No you won't show resepect and consideration for anybody else? Seems not. So, she'd promised to get online that night, but going by the responses I'd just had, I wasn't really looking forward to it. Indeed, it only got worse once she came on. It would really be a waste of time to even attempt to summarise what we talked about. Just another argument about who's right and wrong. I've never known anything more frustrating than talking to Shanna about what she's done, because it's like arguing with a child, or debating religion, or something equally futile. Her argument is always based on assumption, which is almost acceptable in itself, except that she won't be corrected. Apparently I was trying to manipulate her, and I just didn't know it. It didn't matter that I am myself, and I wasn't - no, I was and I just wasn't aware of it. Repeat this wondeful logic for... well, almost everything, and then add the fact that lying is okay as long as it's done in your own interest (yes, really) and you're coming close to what she's actually putting forward as her justification for her actions. Half of what she says is completely irrelevent, and everything else is completely unfounded or based upon misinterpretation. It's hopeless.
The only part really worth noting is that I decided to ask her what marriage actually meant to her. She told me, and I told her what it was to me. Seems we don't agree. I committed to stand by her through anything and everything, and I would do so until my death. She however, gave up, and seems to think nothing of it. She also said that if she needed to, she would do it again. She pointed out that I'd never actually asked her before what her views on such things were, which is very true, but I felt I could trust her. In any case, I imagine if I had asked her before she married me 'if you feel we're not working, will you tell me or will you hide it and leave me?' that the answer wouldn't have been the truth.
Then came the lies. Lie after lie after lie. It wouldn't be too far off to say that most of what she's said to me in the last two months has been lies, and it all came out tonight. And they're only the direct lies themselves; the more general deceit goes back months and months. It's sickening. Why the hell was she even living with me? And the way she just covered it all up. Acted happy, acted like she loved me. She says she did, and it's probably true, but the dishonesty was there even then. So much she was keeping from me. Every time I thought it couldn't really get any worse, she'd come out with something else and yet another thing I'd believed in would turn out to be false.
She wanted to leave again, so I just pointed out that it was the 5th, and that the 7th should have been when she was here to remove her things, so that would be the deadline to do it, or at least to give me something definate. I told her to be online tomorrow, and she left.
I waited all night at my parent's house, but she didn't show up. So, Sunday morning I spoke to Kim and suggested that she might want to tell Shanna what situation she's actually in, since she won't listen to me directly. She's here on a visa that could very soon be invalid, with no money, no right to work, and is refusing to speak to the only person who has any say in the matter, in the hope that it'll all go away. Hmm. And I have been patient for a long time, but am now fed up of being lied to again and again, and it had got to the point that I am going to start taking action against her, if only to make the point that she can't ignore me. Kim asked me to be more patient, and not do anything yet, but I explained I'd waited long enough already. In the end, though, she agreed she would call Shanna and try and explain that she had to act fast, and I promised her that I would do absolutely nothing for another week. So, I will take no action up until next Sunday, but on Monday morning, if Shanna has done nothing, I will write my formal letter to the IND and I will ship a bit of her stuff to some of her family in America. I think that is a fair action to take - actually disposing of her posessions would be an evil thing to do, but if I take no action at all, Shanna will continue to take the piss. At least if I send it back to America, it will be safe, and she will realise I meant what I said.
I sent her a text message the next morning, saying that it was Sunday, the day she was supposed to be here, and that she only had the day to contact me. She replied about an hour later, asking me to call, which I did. The phone conversation was much better than the one we'd had online. There is certainly something about the voice that can express meaning so much better than text ever can, and it makes a huge difference to the tone of a conversation, even if the words are the same. She talked about paying for storage somewhere, but I don't know how she would pay for that, it's quite expensive. She also said that her friend Mike had agreed that he wouldn't mind storing some, and she started agreeing again that she could come down within the next few days, whenever Mike was free, and finish packing the last of the stuff and move it to his place until she could afford to ship it. That isn't really necessary, because I'd already said I would lend her the money for shipping, but I think she ignored that bit. Anyway, she said she'd try and find out when he was available, and promised (yep, that word again) to get online that night.
She didn't. Again. She sent an email late that night saying she was at one of Chris' friends' house and so wouldn't be coming on. I don't care where she was, it was another promise broken. Another one that I would have kept, at any cost. The kind I have always kept, often sacrificing my own comfort and other plans. Then this evening, she sent another text message saying she still hadn't heard back from Mike, and that she wouldn't be online again because their internet connection was not working properly. It doesn't really matter to me, I've stated my part now. If she wastes this week, she'll regret it, simple as that; I won't accept any excuses. I sent her an email just reminding her that she only had until Sunday at the latest, and left it at that. Down to her again now.