Trial III
Well, this has been quite an epic story, involving seven people overall... where to begin? I assume it's fairly well known that I've been complaining to absolutely anyone who'll listen that Shanna is never around any more because of working so much. Because of it, our conversations were becoming more and more void of, well, conversation. This is partially my fault, but through inaction rather than purpose; I could have found something to talk about, but I saw little point. I can't find any pleasure in talking when I know that in under an hour it'll all be over, and that Shanna wouldn't be back for a week or two, after which the previous subject would be completely irrelevent.
After a few weeks of barely saying a word, she indirectly asked why I was 'ignoring' her. I wasn't, but I knew what she meant anyway, and explained how I felt no value in these sporadic encounters. I wasn't particularly nice about it, I'll admit that, but I didn't really see why I should be. Whether you agree or not, my view was that she didn't really deserve any sympathy for the situation - I felt that it was as a direct result of her choices, and there was no way I was going to make any compromise. We'd had times like it before, but they'd been forced upon us. Those times we'd both had to try our best to keep contact, and we managed as well as we could. This time, I thought that Shanna was the one that had caused it, and she deserved to feel the effects of it.
Shanna, however, had the opposite side. She feels that she has no choice but to work like she is, and from her point of view she was finding what small time she could to get online, and I was choosing to ignore her. Like me, she took her side, and thought that if I didn't want to talk, then fine, I would have to lose out. It was my fault.
This is where it doesn't help that we are both stubborn. I don't know how long this would have gone on for, but it certainly wasn't getting any better with each wasted encounter. It certaninly wasn't doing our relationship any good either. I would go to bed every night and lay awake thinking of how Shanna was neglecting us all, didn't have any time for me, and at the same time Shanna was there wondering why I apparently didn't want to know her anymore.
Luckily, which is a very poor choice of word here, we were forced to do something about it. Saturday night I'd been talking to Kim, and obviously my complaints reached a high enough point for her to want to do something about it. I noticed the next she'd left a comment on Shanna's GJ, which mentioned me quite a lot. I know Kim was trying to help, but I do find that when other people speak for me it generally leads to trouble. I woke up Tuesday morning to find Shanna had replied, quite strongly defending her side, saying that I said I didn't want to talk to her (which I actually didn't). At the end though, it did say that she would be on that night, and that I should be there.
Had I stopped there, the day would have been a lot less stressful. I was still defensive, but I did want to talk, and I think we might have worked something out between us. Nothing would have changed, but we could have agreed to stop thinking the other was out to deliberately hurt us at least, and accepted to just deal with the situation.
As it was though, I was bored, and I went browsing. I came across another LiveJournal, with no name attatched to it. It got my attention because the username was very similar to something I know Shanna had used before, and so I was curious enough to casually have a look. I next noticed that she was the only friend listed, and reading the user info, it looked very familiar. I browsed to the journal itself, and found there was only one real entry, so I read it.
It described the dilemma of the poster, who used to love only one person, but that person had been ignoring them more and more, and a friend they'd always liked had begun expressing an interest. Their problem was that they now couldn't decide who they wanted to be with more, and were going to 'let fate decide' what happened. It looked like Shanna's writing - a few words I wouldn't have expected her to use perhaps, but very definately her style, very recognisable sentence structure. In fact, in every way, everything about the journal seemed like Shanna, and the post kind of fitted...
There was one comment, and it was Shanna's usual name. That put me off for a moment, wondering why she'd reply to herself, but it's not all that strange to me. During the long periods of time we were separated, I wrote to myself numerous times in an attempt to discover my true feelings. I wouldn't have believed it only a few months ago... but this had to be her.
Then I was scared. Absolutely fucking terrified. I felt sick for the rest of that day. By that time, it was only about 6pm, and all I knew was that she would be online that evening. I was called for dinner right afterwards, but couldn't bring myself to think about eating. I showed Graham the journal and gave my reasons for thinking it was Shanna before I left. When I came back, I could do nothing. Shanna wouldn't be there for hours, but there was no way I could concentrate on anything.
Thankfully, Ashley came online and I started talking to her about it. I showed her the post as well, and explained once again why I thought it must be Shanna. Our talk helped quite a lot, and by about 10pm I had calmed a little. Enough to start thinking about what I might actually say when I got the chance. I went to have a bath to relax a little, which also helped, but possibly not in a very constructive way. I began to realise that if what I'd read was true, it was me who had the 'right' position, and that this gave me a small advantage should it degenerate into some kind of argument. Not that it would have done me any good if Shanna'd already decided I didn't care and I'd already lost, but either way, it gave me a lot more confidence that I could get some kind of control of the conversation when it happened - a major part of the fear was just the unknown factor of what was going to happen, and I'd feel a lot better if I could be the one leading the conversation. This kind of thing shouldn't be about a victory - it's selfish and inconsiderate - but selfish I am, and if a huge chunk of my life is under threat, winning is more important than being kind in the process. I could never want to hurt Shanna, but I would protect my own interests first. You can judge me for that as you want, but that's the way I am.
When the time got to 1:30, and hour later than I'd expected, the fear had been replaced by more of a subtle anger. She'd said she'd be here, and she wasn't, and I wasn't going to let her escape. I was going to call now, and damn well force the issue, on the offensive. Who knows how things would have been different if I'd had the chance. I was just about to dial when she logged on, and everything changed. The next moment was the wait. I wanted her to have the first word ,which might appear to contradict what I just said about control, but it doesn't. I'd rather observe first, and understand the scenario, than rush in and risk altering events in unpredictable ways. Good control is about subtlety, not dominance or even authority, I've learnt this very well.
It started with the 'why don't you want to talk to me' issue, which was probably a good place to begin; easy to defend myself against that, since I'd been very careful about what I said when I said it. Somewhat surprisingly, this came very quickly to resolution, and I agreed to meet her in some chat room every day. I could have done that all along, but I'd only seen mention of the room but no times, assuming she intended I was to just wait around all day on the chance she might turn up, which I was not willing to do. She told me there was a reliable time though, and so okay, I'll agree to be there.
Time to get to my big question, but the thought was still in my mind that I had only assumed the journal belonged to Shanna. I trusted my reasoning, but I would never acuse her of anything without being sure. The other question that'd been on my mind every night for the last month or two is 'what do you want?'. The largest reason by far that I'm so frustrated with Shanna's absence is the timing of it - apparently we're going to live together, and she chooses to barely be available right before it. I felt that if she wasn't able to make a sacrifice to be able to talk more often, we definately weren't ready to be considering a life together. I'd begun to wonder just what she was actually thinking of, or even if the plan still existed.
The answer to that was that yes, she did still want to live with me. I realised that this contradicted what the LJ post appeared to be saying, but that only added to the confusion rather than helping in any way. She did say though that she had thought that maybe she didn't want to move, after she thought I was ignoring her. I thought this was probably the best chance I was going to get, so I said: "Well I have just assumed something, and I shouldn't do that, so I'll ask. The other livejournal that has only you as a friend/friend of, and looks very much like your writing, is it you?".
The answer was no. I believed that, but that didn't mean it was finished wish by any means. It didn't say anything good about the state of our relationship that I would have believed it - this was still very definately our lowest point ever. I'd been feeling that for at least a month, but this day really finished it. Didn't I even trust her anymore?
The tone did lift a little though, and although neither of us are willing to change our position still, we talked about it fairly. There'd be no surrender from either side, but we both hated what this was doing to us, and we knew we had to get over it. There was a mutual will to overcome this, and that was what was important. When she had to leave I called her, and we had a good conversation lasting well into the morning. She explained her reasons for working as much as she does, and I accepted them, then explained why it wasn't enough for me at this time. She agreed to try and get one more day off, and I suggested that it would even be worth moving the date of her moving if it meant she could relax a little and that we could be together 'properly' again before the big change. I went to bed feeling happy, and vowing never to guess at anything ever again.
The following day I met her in the chat room as arranged, and all was still good. The actual situation hadn't really improved much, but we were okay again. I saw Ashley again and told her I'd been mistaken, and that all was good. It wasn't, though.
Browsing once again, I happened to read Daniel's GJ, a friend of Shanna's. No deliberate offense to him, but I quite often do so for mild amusement. This time though, there was a sentance that caught my attention. Since it's public anyway, I don't see any harm in quoting a small part, and so it said: "Oh and Shanna just to get this out, if I start dating someone that doesn't mean we can't do anything together, this may work out for you while your dating Andy, that way you don't have to mess with us both at the same time". What the hell is that about? I read it many more times trying to interpret it different ways, but no matter where I shifted the context, there was nothing else it could mean.
So I went back to the original LJ post that I'd read the night before. That was a stupid decision, but I did it anyway, and sure enough, it sure looked like Shanna's writing. Yeah, great, back where we started. But Shanna had told me that it wasn't her... that was the end, surely? Apparently not. I actually considered that she might have lied to me, and in doing so hit a point even lower than the night before. In the case of intelligent speculation versus Shanna's word, it was no longer clear to me which I believed. My instinct was screaming at me 'that is Shanna's writing, you know it is', and I trust nothing more than my own instinct. It's led me through my whole life so far, and I have no regrets because of it. Now it was being placed in direct opposition to Shanna, and she couldn't win that battle.
I decided that the least I did owe her was to be honest right away and see what she had to say. I left a message for her on GJ, and went to bed feeling sick again. The next morning I woke up, I knew I was wrong again. The balance had shifted enough - the though of all that we've been through... it didn't make sense that this would happen, and I knew that... but it was her, I was sure of it...
I considered deleting the message before she got to see it, knowing that it would upset her to read it, but I think if I'd have done that the doubt would only have returned to me. I hated myself for leaving it, but I had to know for sure... so I left it and went to work (which I'll get to after all this).
When I came home, I looked anxiously for her reply... but there was none. I found a message from her on the site that hosts the chat room, which stated that the school had now blocked GJ as well as LJ. She hadn't got to read it. I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. I hadn't really wanted her to have to read it, but I did have to tell her, and now it was going to have to be brought up in live chat instead. I hate having to say this kind of thing in IMs, because it's so easy to interrupt. In a static message like an email you get all the time you need to think through and explain, and in real conversation you can just ignore or talk over interruptions if you have to, but in an IM, every line is an oppertunity to jump in. It had to be done though, and I found a way.
Turns out I was right about something. The journal isn't Shanna's, but it was her that created most of it, and that wrote the entry. That explanation helped a lot; I couldn't believe I could have been so wrong on something I was so sure of, but now I knew I'd guessed correctly. It's just that the entry was not about us. The other matter was Daniel's mistake, which didn't really surprise me.
Then there was one final problem to face. Do I trust her now? I know I should, and I wanted to, but could I do it? I actually don't know the answer, but I knew that if it wasn't ended here it would go on indefinately. I asked her simply to promise me that I had nothing to be worried about, and that if she could do that, I would take her word. She did, and I did.
I will never prove either way, and that will probably bother me forever, but there's too many unanswerable questions in life to keep every one of them hanging around and it's time to let this die. My instinct now is telling me I made the right choice, and I'll go with that. There's no doubt though, that this whole episode has damaged something, even if it was recovered. Even if this never matters again, it's broken our perfect record. Nothing like this has ever happened before, and I can only hope it never will again, but there will always remain the fact that my once unshakeable trust, something I had to fiercely defend from the cynicism of those around me, has at least for a short moment, failed. It won't matter, it'll be forgotten soon enough, but I can no longer claim that I have never had any doubts.
It has to be said though, that at no point did my love for her ever fail, and that never will. It could, but it won't for the same reasons that if I tied a big stone to myself and jumped in the sea, I could drown - it's most certainly true, but the conditions for it to occur have no chance of happening. I will always love Shanna.
I should probably learn something from this, but I don't think I have. It's also a slight irony that it's actually come full circle, and I was right to begin with - there's no doubt that if the very thing I'd been complaining about initially, that Shanna wasn't around, hadn't happened then none of the events of the last couple of days would have happened either. Even now, I still have not a single regret in my life. This is one ride I never, ever want to take again, but I can say with confidence that I can justify everything I did, and that they were the right choices.
In the end, it hasn't really got us very far at all. The chatroom frankly is teh suck, but it is still better than nothing. I suppose the only real improvement is that Shanna doesn't think I'm ignoring her anymore.
Anyway, that's been dominating most of my week, but there are a few other things worth mentioning. I'm actually above zero in monetary terms now, for example. But pretend I didn't mention that, 'cause I haven't actually paid it into my account yet and I'll bring it up again properly in a day or two.
The money that put me there came from Darius this afternoon. I hadn't seen him for a while because he'd been on holiday and then I couldn't get hold of him, but I did finally get through to him and we had a meeting today. He had another feature he wanted added, but so long as I keep getting paid for it I'm happy to keep adding whatever he wants. I didn't even have to mention the owed £100, so obviously Nicky must have. A pleasant surprise. On the way home I asked if this work was in plentiful supply, and he just said that he had a few more projects to come. Assuming a couple of months each, that's a nice supply of work for me at the moment.
Just before Nicky picked me up in the morning, I got a call from someone. I can't remember who they were already, and they were clearly selling something, but they were very polite and to the point, so I listened to what they had to say. He was offering me advertising space on some giant calendar that gets distributed free to local businesses. I said I was definately interested, and he went on to outline the pricing. My first thought was that it was a lot, but that's because so far we've been struggling to do what little marketing we could on a tiny budget. That had to change some time, and he was putting forward a good offer.
I told him I had to speak with Graham first, but he said he already had and Graham had passed him on to me. A quick look at his IM window seemed to confirm that, so I assumed that I was being trusted to make this decision, whatever it was. I think I did pretty well in the end, though not deliberately. I said several times that I wasn't sure and appeared unwiling to commit on the spot like he wanted me to, but it seems he interpreted it more as negociation than uncertainty, and I managed to somehow get the price down by £150, as well as guarenteeing us a good position in either the top-left or top-right. This is 4x4 inches too, so... not bad at all.
He said they'd call me back, and I acknowledged this to him but obviously didn't really take it in because when they called to confirm it, I told them it wasn't me they were looking for, lol. I didn't recognise who they said they were, and since they only asked for Mr. Oliver I assumed it was something to do with Dad, who was in the bathroom at the time, so I told them so and asked them to call back in a while. Then Nicky arrived though, and as we were driving to the warehouse, it occured to me that it probably was me they were after. I'm not sure what happened after that, but they called me on my mobile whilst I was there, and I confirmed it with them. I just put the phone back in my pocket, when Graham rang it to ask what I'd agreed to and said the first person I'd spoken to had called him again to tell him the details. I'd just hung up and put it in my pocket again, when that man, Dave, called again to tell me he'd called Graham, and to make sure I was alright with everything. I couldn't really see the point of that call, but I did appreciate the courtesy if it. They could have come across rather desperate, perhaps suspiciously so, but their professionalism somehow countered it. I think we've got a good deal, and if we haven't and I've been tricked... well, they did it very convincingly, so credit to them, and I'll feel no shame in being taken in.
I've started a little bit of work on BlindBunnies.co.uk. I know what it's going to be, but I'm not going to reveal it until it's completed. For now it's mainly a holding page.
Now I'm tired and hungry. I have tasks from Darius to do for Monday, but there's time for that. All the stress with Shanna is over, and I can actually relax again. Graham said he might come down today to go out for a drink and some caek again, which although it costs money, is worth it. Tomorrow should be a good day!
After a few weeks of barely saying a word, she indirectly asked why I was 'ignoring' her. I wasn't, but I knew what she meant anyway, and explained how I felt no value in these sporadic encounters. I wasn't particularly nice about it, I'll admit that, but I didn't really see why I should be. Whether you agree or not, my view was that she didn't really deserve any sympathy for the situation - I felt that it was as a direct result of her choices, and there was no way I was going to make any compromise. We'd had times like it before, but they'd been forced upon us. Those times we'd both had to try our best to keep contact, and we managed as well as we could. This time, I thought that Shanna was the one that had caused it, and she deserved to feel the effects of it.
Shanna, however, had the opposite side. She feels that she has no choice but to work like she is, and from her point of view she was finding what small time she could to get online, and I was choosing to ignore her. Like me, she took her side, and thought that if I didn't want to talk, then fine, I would have to lose out. It was my fault.
This is where it doesn't help that we are both stubborn. I don't know how long this would have gone on for, but it certainly wasn't getting any better with each wasted encounter. It certaninly wasn't doing our relationship any good either. I would go to bed every night and lay awake thinking of how Shanna was neglecting us all, didn't have any time for me, and at the same time Shanna was there wondering why I apparently didn't want to know her anymore.
Luckily, which is a very poor choice of word here, we were forced to do something about it. Saturday night I'd been talking to Kim, and obviously my complaints reached a high enough point for her to want to do something about it. I noticed the next she'd left a comment on Shanna's GJ, which mentioned me quite a lot. I know Kim was trying to help, but I do find that when other people speak for me it generally leads to trouble. I woke up Tuesday morning to find Shanna had replied, quite strongly defending her side, saying that I said I didn't want to talk to her (which I actually didn't). At the end though, it did say that she would be on that night, and that I should be there.
Had I stopped there, the day would have been a lot less stressful. I was still defensive, but I did want to talk, and I think we might have worked something out between us. Nothing would have changed, but we could have agreed to stop thinking the other was out to deliberately hurt us at least, and accepted to just deal with the situation.
As it was though, I was bored, and I went browsing. I came across another LiveJournal, with no name attatched to it. It got my attention because the username was very similar to something I know Shanna had used before, and so I was curious enough to casually have a look. I next noticed that she was the only friend listed, and reading the user info, it looked very familiar. I browsed to the journal itself, and found there was only one real entry, so I read it.
It described the dilemma of the poster, who used to love only one person, but that person had been ignoring them more and more, and a friend they'd always liked had begun expressing an interest. Their problem was that they now couldn't decide who they wanted to be with more, and were going to 'let fate decide' what happened. It looked like Shanna's writing - a few words I wouldn't have expected her to use perhaps, but very definately her style, very recognisable sentence structure. In fact, in every way, everything about the journal seemed like Shanna, and the post kind of fitted...
There was one comment, and it was Shanna's usual name. That put me off for a moment, wondering why she'd reply to herself, but it's not all that strange to me. During the long periods of time we were separated, I wrote to myself numerous times in an attempt to discover my true feelings. I wouldn't have believed it only a few months ago... but this had to be her.
Then I was scared. Absolutely fucking terrified. I felt sick for the rest of that day. By that time, it was only about 6pm, and all I knew was that she would be online that evening. I was called for dinner right afterwards, but couldn't bring myself to think about eating. I showed Graham the journal and gave my reasons for thinking it was Shanna before I left. When I came back, I could do nothing. Shanna wouldn't be there for hours, but there was no way I could concentrate on anything.
Thankfully, Ashley came online and I started talking to her about it. I showed her the post as well, and explained once again why I thought it must be Shanna. Our talk helped quite a lot, and by about 10pm I had calmed a little. Enough to start thinking about what I might actually say when I got the chance. I went to have a bath to relax a little, which also helped, but possibly not in a very constructive way. I began to realise that if what I'd read was true, it was me who had the 'right' position, and that this gave me a small advantage should it degenerate into some kind of argument. Not that it would have done me any good if Shanna'd already decided I didn't care and I'd already lost, but either way, it gave me a lot more confidence that I could get some kind of control of the conversation when it happened - a major part of the fear was just the unknown factor of what was going to happen, and I'd feel a lot better if I could be the one leading the conversation. This kind of thing shouldn't be about a victory - it's selfish and inconsiderate - but selfish I am, and if a huge chunk of my life is under threat, winning is more important than being kind in the process. I could never want to hurt Shanna, but I would protect my own interests first. You can judge me for that as you want, but that's the way I am.
When the time got to 1:30, and hour later than I'd expected, the fear had been replaced by more of a subtle anger. She'd said she'd be here, and she wasn't, and I wasn't going to let her escape. I was going to call now, and damn well force the issue, on the offensive. Who knows how things would have been different if I'd had the chance. I was just about to dial when she logged on, and everything changed. The next moment was the wait. I wanted her to have the first word ,which might appear to contradict what I just said about control, but it doesn't. I'd rather observe first, and understand the scenario, than rush in and risk altering events in unpredictable ways. Good control is about subtlety, not dominance or even authority, I've learnt this very well.
It started with the 'why don't you want to talk to me' issue, which was probably a good place to begin; easy to defend myself against that, since I'd been very careful about what I said when I said it. Somewhat surprisingly, this came very quickly to resolution, and I agreed to meet her in some chat room every day. I could have done that all along, but I'd only seen mention of the room but no times, assuming she intended I was to just wait around all day on the chance she might turn up, which I was not willing to do. She told me there was a reliable time though, and so okay, I'll agree to be there.
Time to get to my big question, but the thought was still in my mind that I had only assumed the journal belonged to Shanna. I trusted my reasoning, but I would never acuse her of anything without being sure. The other question that'd been on my mind every night for the last month or two is 'what do you want?'. The largest reason by far that I'm so frustrated with Shanna's absence is the timing of it - apparently we're going to live together, and she chooses to barely be available right before it. I felt that if she wasn't able to make a sacrifice to be able to talk more often, we definately weren't ready to be considering a life together. I'd begun to wonder just what she was actually thinking of, or even if the plan still existed.
The answer to that was that yes, she did still want to live with me. I realised that this contradicted what the LJ post appeared to be saying, but that only added to the confusion rather than helping in any way. She did say though that she had thought that maybe she didn't want to move, after she thought I was ignoring her. I thought this was probably the best chance I was going to get, so I said: "Well I have just assumed something, and I shouldn't do that, so I'll ask. The other livejournal that has only you as a friend/friend of, and looks very much like your writing, is it you?".
The answer was no. I believed that, but that didn't mean it was finished wish by any means. It didn't say anything good about the state of our relationship that I would have believed it - this was still very definately our lowest point ever. I'd been feeling that for at least a month, but this day really finished it. Didn't I even trust her anymore?
The tone did lift a little though, and although neither of us are willing to change our position still, we talked about it fairly. There'd be no surrender from either side, but we both hated what this was doing to us, and we knew we had to get over it. There was a mutual will to overcome this, and that was what was important. When she had to leave I called her, and we had a good conversation lasting well into the morning. She explained her reasons for working as much as she does, and I accepted them, then explained why it wasn't enough for me at this time. She agreed to try and get one more day off, and I suggested that it would even be worth moving the date of her moving if it meant she could relax a little and that we could be together 'properly' again before the big change. I went to bed feeling happy, and vowing never to guess at anything ever again.
The following day I met her in the chat room as arranged, and all was still good. The actual situation hadn't really improved much, but we were okay again. I saw Ashley again and told her I'd been mistaken, and that all was good. It wasn't, though.
Browsing once again, I happened to read Daniel's GJ, a friend of Shanna's. No deliberate offense to him, but I quite often do so for mild amusement. This time though, there was a sentance that caught my attention. Since it's public anyway, I don't see any harm in quoting a small part, and so it said: "Oh and Shanna just to get this out, if I start dating someone that doesn't mean we can't do anything together, this may work out for you while your dating Andy, that way you don't have to mess with us both at the same time". What the hell is that about? I read it many more times trying to interpret it different ways, but no matter where I shifted the context, there was nothing else it could mean.
So I went back to the original LJ post that I'd read the night before. That was a stupid decision, but I did it anyway, and sure enough, it sure looked like Shanna's writing. Yeah, great, back where we started. But Shanna had told me that it wasn't her... that was the end, surely? Apparently not. I actually considered that she might have lied to me, and in doing so hit a point even lower than the night before. In the case of intelligent speculation versus Shanna's word, it was no longer clear to me which I believed. My instinct was screaming at me 'that is Shanna's writing, you know it is', and I trust nothing more than my own instinct. It's led me through my whole life so far, and I have no regrets because of it. Now it was being placed in direct opposition to Shanna, and she couldn't win that battle.
I decided that the least I did owe her was to be honest right away and see what she had to say. I left a message for her on GJ, and went to bed feeling sick again. The next morning I woke up, I knew I was wrong again. The balance had shifted enough - the though of all that we've been through... it didn't make sense that this would happen, and I knew that... but it was her, I was sure of it...
I considered deleting the message before she got to see it, knowing that it would upset her to read it, but I think if I'd have done that the doubt would only have returned to me. I hated myself for leaving it, but I had to know for sure... so I left it and went to work (which I'll get to after all this).
When I came home, I looked anxiously for her reply... but there was none. I found a message from her on the site that hosts the chat room, which stated that the school had now blocked GJ as well as LJ. She hadn't got to read it. I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. I hadn't really wanted her to have to read it, but I did have to tell her, and now it was going to have to be brought up in live chat instead. I hate having to say this kind of thing in IMs, because it's so easy to interrupt. In a static message like an email you get all the time you need to think through and explain, and in real conversation you can just ignore or talk over interruptions if you have to, but in an IM, every line is an oppertunity to jump in. It had to be done though, and I found a way.
Turns out I was right about something. The journal isn't Shanna's, but it was her that created most of it, and that wrote the entry. That explanation helped a lot; I couldn't believe I could have been so wrong on something I was so sure of, but now I knew I'd guessed correctly. It's just that the entry was not about us. The other matter was Daniel's mistake, which didn't really surprise me.
Then there was one final problem to face. Do I trust her now? I know I should, and I wanted to, but could I do it? I actually don't know the answer, but I knew that if it wasn't ended here it would go on indefinately. I asked her simply to promise me that I had nothing to be worried about, and that if she could do that, I would take her word. She did, and I did.
I will never prove either way, and that will probably bother me forever, but there's too many unanswerable questions in life to keep every one of them hanging around and it's time to let this die. My instinct now is telling me I made the right choice, and I'll go with that. There's no doubt though, that this whole episode has damaged something, even if it was recovered. Even if this never matters again, it's broken our perfect record. Nothing like this has ever happened before, and I can only hope it never will again, but there will always remain the fact that my once unshakeable trust, something I had to fiercely defend from the cynicism of those around me, has at least for a short moment, failed. It won't matter, it'll be forgotten soon enough, but I can no longer claim that I have never had any doubts.
It has to be said though, that at no point did my love for her ever fail, and that never will. It could, but it won't for the same reasons that if I tied a big stone to myself and jumped in the sea, I could drown - it's most certainly true, but the conditions for it to occur have no chance of happening. I will always love Shanna.
I should probably learn something from this, but I don't think I have. It's also a slight irony that it's actually come full circle, and I was right to begin with - there's no doubt that if the very thing I'd been complaining about initially, that Shanna wasn't around, hadn't happened then none of the events of the last couple of days would have happened either. Even now, I still have not a single regret in my life. This is one ride I never, ever want to take again, but I can say with confidence that I can justify everything I did, and that they were the right choices.
In the end, it hasn't really got us very far at all. The chatroom frankly is teh suck, but it is still better than nothing. I suppose the only real improvement is that Shanna doesn't think I'm ignoring her anymore.
Anyway, that's been dominating most of my week, but there are a few other things worth mentioning. I'm actually above zero in monetary terms now, for example. But pretend I didn't mention that, 'cause I haven't actually paid it into my account yet and I'll bring it up again properly in a day or two.
The money that put me there came from Darius this afternoon. I hadn't seen him for a while because he'd been on holiday and then I couldn't get hold of him, but I did finally get through to him and we had a meeting today. He had another feature he wanted added, but so long as I keep getting paid for it I'm happy to keep adding whatever he wants. I didn't even have to mention the owed £100, so obviously Nicky must have. A pleasant surprise. On the way home I asked if this work was in plentiful supply, and he just said that he had a few more projects to come. Assuming a couple of months each, that's a nice supply of work for me at the moment.
Just before Nicky picked me up in the morning, I got a call from someone. I can't remember who they were already, and they were clearly selling something, but they were very polite and to the point, so I listened to what they had to say. He was offering me advertising space on some giant calendar that gets distributed free to local businesses. I said I was definately interested, and he went on to outline the pricing. My first thought was that it was a lot, but that's because so far we've been struggling to do what little marketing we could on a tiny budget. That had to change some time, and he was putting forward a good offer.
I told him I had to speak with Graham first, but he said he already had and Graham had passed him on to me. A quick look at his IM window seemed to confirm that, so I assumed that I was being trusted to make this decision, whatever it was. I think I did pretty well in the end, though not deliberately. I said several times that I wasn't sure and appeared unwiling to commit on the spot like he wanted me to, but it seems he interpreted it more as negociation than uncertainty, and I managed to somehow get the price down by £150, as well as guarenteeing us a good position in either the top-left or top-right. This is 4x4 inches too, so... not bad at all.
He said they'd call me back, and I acknowledged this to him but obviously didn't really take it in because when they called to confirm it, I told them it wasn't me they were looking for, lol. I didn't recognise who they said they were, and since they only asked for Mr. Oliver I assumed it was something to do with Dad, who was in the bathroom at the time, so I told them so and asked them to call back in a while. Then Nicky arrived though, and as we were driving to the warehouse, it occured to me that it probably was me they were after. I'm not sure what happened after that, but they called me on my mobile whilst I was there, and I confirmed it with them. I just put the phone back in my pocket, when Graham rang it to ask what I'd agreed to and said the first person I'd spoken to had called him again to tell him the details. I'd just hung up and put it in my pocket again, when that man, Dave, called again to tell me he'd called Graham, and to make sure I was alright with everything. I couldn't really see the point of that call, but I did appreciate the courtesy if it. They could have come across rather desperate, perhaps suspiciously so, but their professionalism somehow countered it. I think we've got a good deal, and if we haven't and I've been tricked... well, they did it very convincingly, so credit to them, and I'll feel no shame in being taken in.
I've started a little bit of work on BlindBunnies.co.uk. I know what it's going to be, but I'm not going to reveal it until it's completed. For now it's mainly a holding page.
Now I'm tired and hungry. I have tasks from Darius to do for Monday, but there's time for that. All the stress with Shanna is over, and I can actually relax again. Graham said he might come down today to go out for a drink and some caek again, which although it costs money, is worth it. Tomorrow should be a good day!