(no subject)
i have come to an emotional wall. i've realized i'll have to break through, brick by brutal brick, or just remain frozen in front of it forever, never changing and never becoming a better person. i have grown to hate myself for all the time i waste doing nothing, doing things compulsively that i don't even enjoy, and furthermore, the shame i coat my insides with after every episode of retrograde. i get stuck in the faces and forms of the past, the laughs that i hoped would never end yet did. the loves that i had hoped would escalate but only ended in dirty black embers. and pervade still in the form of shrapnel which shreds me to emotional bits. i want to be better at making decisions. I'm tired of looking into another person's eyes for arrows, and road signs. My life will continue to become bent and mangled until i can direct it in a steady stream that ruptures out my human core, billows out of my spirit, and protects my own heart at all costs. sometimes i can feel my true self lurking in the back of my throat like a warm compress, soothing and guiding me from the wounds of every day life. but contact is brief and uneventful. my self should not be a touchstone left only for rescue from the drastic and far flung deviations of judgement and integrity. it should be the bulb resting at the base of my spine from which all else grows, with only it's tentacles and tributaries being the unknowns i must uncover. i'm tired of being afraid of being true to myself. i'm tired of packing my bags and running to be rescued every time it is a bit painful to sleep alone. i want to find peace in an empty room, and the resolve to fill an empty room with vibrant life, all by myself, all alone with the universe and my internal spaces and caverns. only then will i have a life force that reaches beyond myself, and out and into other needy hearts and bodies. i need to learn to accept and trust in love, in people, in experiences, even in the very fear which binds me.