hi...

[allmostangel]

well it's been 9 days since i've talked to him...the heartbreak is still the same...i still miss him as much as i did a week ago...but i gotta keep moving...i find myself stopping in the middle of some kind of housework or whatnot to sit down and have a really hard cry a few times a day yet...i try to keep myself extremely busy on my days off, oh ya im back to work again...today i shampooed all the carpets, scrubbed all the tile flooring, cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, and living room...oh ya, and i gave the dog a bath...since i tend to clean all the time, theres not much to do...i clean and clean and clean, but for what? i really don't have anyone to entertain...no one comes over here...well, except for torrey..but i really don't think he could care less about what this place looks like...if im not cleaning, i seem to be working out...chrissy hasn't called since thursday so i just go by myself...i sit there and think about way too many things when im working out...it sucks...i think about how much i miss chris, how he wanted to start to work out, how i really fucked up, how i would give all of my limbs just to be in his arms once again...i had thought i was being the best girlfriend i possibly could...i thought that i was making him happy...i thought that he truly loved me...he had once said that even if i gained 500 lbs he'd still love me...that his love was unconditional...if so, then why isn't he here right now?...i think it's harder cuz we're not talking...but then again, maybe thats for the best?...

i keep dreaming that a dozen roses are delivered to my door with a note saying "im sorry"...and in that dream, chris is standing at the bottom of the steps when i open the door for the delivery man...i know that dream will never come true...i do believe when he said he was done with me, he meant it...im trying my hardest to move forward with this thought...but it just can't happen...for some reason, my heart just won't allow it...i was left with a ton of heartbreak, a daughter that can't understand why he's not here anymore when he said he'd always be here for us, bills i can't possibly pay, no money for christmas presents, and a life that within a nights time became so cold and empty...

my biggest wish/dream right now would be for him to come back home...my second would be for the pain to just go away...when will it?...can you ever recover from losing the love of your life?...