lost....
this is what i am without chris...
for the past 6 days i have been telling myself over and over again that it is his dog and cat that i miss, and not him...well, yesterday we had a short talk and i guess he felt sorry for me or something cuz he told me i could take the dog for a day or two...BIG mistake...having her around is great, but it also allowed me to know that it is him that i miss the most...all day/night pictures have been popping up in my mind as of when we were happy, when i saw the biggest of smiles on his face, of all the things that we have done together, of the smiles he brought to jaydes face...i still cannot believe this has all happened...i think im slowly moving out of shock and into a great depression...so far i've been pretty good at holding it back in front of jayde, but today was a different story...today was the first time we were home for me to make supper...jayde and i ate, and i just stared at what was left in the pan...i knew right there he wasn't coming home..there was no reason for me to throw it in a container and put it by the microwave for him...there was no reason to whip together an extra item to make sure he had enough to eat...the tears began to flow and i just slid right down to the ground...i completely lost it and can't seem to regain myself...i cannot control when i do and don't cry anymore...i cannot think of other things to get my mind off of him...i cannot do anything right anymore...
i guess the thing that hit me the most was that his reason for leaving was because he wasn't happy...well, yesterday i asked him if he was happy now that he's gone...his response was,,, no...then goddammnit come back home...we need you...i need you...you were more of a father to jayde than her own father has ever been...you dug into my heart further than anyone has ever...we need you and you need us...you promised jayde and i that you would be there for us...you need to get your head out of your ass and realize where you belong...i can't stand this anymore, i really can't...im so completely lost and unstable i don't know what to do anymore...
for the past 6 days i have been telling myself over and over again that it is his dog and cat that i miss, and not him...well, yesterday we had a short talk and i guess he felt sorry for me or something cuz he told me i could take the dog for a day or two...BIG mistake...having her around is great, but it also allowed me to know that it is him that i miss the most...all day/night pictures have been popping up in my mind as of when we were happy, when i saw the biggest of smiles on his face, of all the things that we have done together, of the smiles he brought to jaydes face...i still cannot believe this has all happened...i think im slowly moving out of shock and into a great depression...so far i've been pretty good at holding it back in front of jayde, but today was a different story...today was the first time we were home for me to make supper...jayde and i ate, and i just stared at what was left in the pan...i knew right there he wasn't coming home..there was no reason for me to throw it in a container and put it by the microwave for him...there was no reason to whip together an extra item to make sure he had enough to eat...the tears began to flow and i just slid right down to the ground...i completely lost it and can't seem to regain myself...i cannot control when i do and don't cry anymore...i cannot think of other things to get my mind off of him...i cannot do anything right anymore...
i guess the thing that hit me the most was that his reason for leaving was because he wasn't happy...well, yesterday i asked him if he was happy now that he's gone...his response was,,, no...then goddammnit come back home...we need you...i need you...you were more of a father to jayde than her own father has ever been...you dug into my heart further than anyone has ever...we need you and you need us...you promised jayde and i that you would be there for us...you need to get your head out of your ass and realize where you belong...i can't stand this anymore, i really can't...im so completely lost and unstable i don't know what to do anymore...