thoughts of a previous life
i remember i couldnt wait to get out of oes. i thought my life was a living hell there. but the last semester i was there was the most amazing semester ever. i had great classes (other than spanish). i had good teachers, i had the greatest friends ever. we had so much fun together. we went out to coffee practically every night. we went to lacrosse games. i hated tennis, and i dreaded going, but it was ok. i sat outside during 7th free with my friends by the dorms. covered them in grass. made them (taylor) look like women. i slept in every day because of first free. i never got to school on time, but terry didnt care a bit. i dreaded philosophy of religion. i hated spanish, paper arts got boring. pdm was math, which meant it sucked. autobio was a long 50 minutes with lynne sadler. but philosophy required no work. spanish was laid back, even if i did horribly. paper arts was getting to mess around, pdm was helarious with lindsley and monica and sandy's arm hair. autobio was the best class. i miss it so badly right now. the height of oes was the part i wanted to leave. the part i thought i was too good for.
i would give anything to go back. do it over, pick a different college. there are so many things i would have done differently. i would not have lost all of my friends over the summer. i would have made time for them. i would have gotten a job so i wouldnt be so financially screwed. i would have cherished every one of those moment sitting with brandon where we were in shitty moods because of nothing to do.
if nothing else, this college experience has taught me that my freshman year is not going to be a breeze just because i went to oes. i am going to have to work, and i am going to do horribly on tests. it has taught me to be without friends, not to rely on people as much as i did before. it has taught me that i need to learn how to be alone and be ok. if nothing else, i have learned that this situation is bad. it has taught me im way more shy than i ever thought. it has taught me that being seperated from people you love is a bitch, but somehow it has to all work out.
i just want to be okay again. i want to laugh and have fun. i want to have friends who i can hang out with and not feel like they have to babysit me because im a pathetic person with no friends. i want to brag to my friends about my college experiences instead of wishing i was them, wishing i was having fun and having friends. i hate looking at the pictures of my friends in college and seeing im not in their fun. im not with them like i once was. nothing will be the same.
looking at the pictures around my room and on my iphoto make me so sad. i see myself smiling, laughing, having fun. i remember how i feel at those ertain times. pictures of graduation remind me not only of getting out, but of the horrible pain i was in that night. how i felt so sick that my mom didn't want me to go to my senior party. that it was a terrible night for me. but it is still something that was so much better than this. i see myself with two other friends crammed in the old oes lockers on one of the last days of school and remember how david chen took the picture and was laughing histerically that all of us could fit in our skinny lockers. a picture of me and ivana at prom our sophmore year, smoking chocolate cigars with drink glasses standing at a table. barely being able to take that picture because we thought it was so helarious.
i want it all back.
it will get better. it has to. there is no reason this needs to be so bad.
i miss everyone so badly.
maybe the meds will help. maybe, just maybe. maybe i just need to get out and find something better, closer to home.
i would give anything to go back. do it over, pick a different college. there are so many things i would have done differently. i would not have lost all of my friends over the summer. i would have made time for them. i would have gotten a job so i wouldnt be so financially screwed. i would have cherished every one of those moment sitting with brandon where we were in shitty moods because of nothing to do.
if nothing else, this college experience has taught me that my freshman year is not going to be a breeze just because i went to oes. i am going to have to work, and i am going to do horribly on tests. it has taught me to be without friends, not to rely on people as much as i did before. it has taught me that i need to learn how to be alone and be ok. if nothing else, i have learned that this situation is bad. it has taught me im way more shy than i ever thought. it has taught me that being seperated from people you love is a bitch, but somehow it has to all work out.
i just want to be okay again. i want to laugh and have fun. i want to have friends who i can hang out with and not feel like they have to babysit me because im a pathetic person with no friends. i want to brag to my friends about my college experiences instead of wishing i was them, wishing i was having fun and having friends. i hate looking at the pictures of my friends in college and seeing im not in their fun. im not with them like i once was. nothing will be the same.
looking at the pictures around my room and on my iphoto make me so sad. i see myself smiling, laughing, having fun. i remember how i feel at those ertain times. pictures of graduation remind me not only of getting out, but of the horrible pain i was in that night. how i felt so sick that my mom didn't want me to go to my senior party. that it was a terrible night for me. but it is still something that was so much better than this. i see myself with two other friends crammed in the old oes lockers on one of the last days of school and remember how david chen took the picture and was laughing histerically that all of us could fit in our skinny lockers. a picture of me and ivana at prom our sophmore year, smoking chocolate cigars with drink glasses standing at a table. barely being able to take that picture because we thought it was so helarious.
i want it all back.
it will get better. it has to. there is no reason this needs to be so bad.
i miss everyone so badly.
maybe the meds will help. maybe, just maybe. maybe i just need to get out and find something better, closer to home.