(no subject)
so I've been pounding my head for the last week or so since my last entry
every night I've gone to bed and asked for inspiration and every day I stare angrily at the computer as I'm unable to go on
there's a block up right now - which I suppose is why they call it writers block
This next/last part is the scariest because it's the part I've done the least amount of planning for, I know the jist, but that's about all
there're so many things I need to bring up or in or connect and I have to find a way to pool it all together in one cohesive unit and that frightens me
I believe one of the main reasons I'm so frustrated and frightened is because for the last 3, maybe even 4 years I've been in Chicago, I had a goal, I knew where it would end, I knew the basis for most actions, I just wasn't sure exactly what shape it would take, that's the muse part
and now I've left Chicago and feel like I'm wandering blind - I have several theories, but nothing feels just right yet, maybe because I'm going the wrong way. I'm not sure. I'm scared all the work I've done will be for nothing, that maybe I went awry so long ago and now I'm back to square one and I'm scared that I won't live up to ... what's come before.
now I'm not saying it's all spectacularly gravy, but parts of it are damn good, and this last part is in some ways the most critical because it is the conclusion, and the end is what makes it all worth it - I need justice
...maybe that's it, maybe I've just dicked around so long, that when I'm finally given the opportunity for justice, I shrink from it because it will be the end of the reason for being
fought so hard to deny the family, and the hertiage the background, where she came from, but confronting him, it'll be almost like she's lost her way - and I feel that fear, that reluctance now, and at the end of it all, I feel a smirk, a sudden realization that the satisfaction from this next kill will not be a revenge reward, but a personal triumph, a proud moment - a moment where you realize it's something so incredible, you don't have to do anymore, but you will anyway - just more selectively.
the sonuvabitch will burn, I'll see to that - otherwise, it really will be for nothing.
- so endith the sudden rant of Kat, my apologies
every night I've gone to bed and asked for inspiration and every day I stare angrily at the computer as I'm unable to go on
there's a block up right now - which I suppose is why they call it writers block
This next/last part is the scariest because it's the part I've done the least amount of planning for, I know the jist, but that's about all
there're so many things I need to bring up or in or connect and I have to find a way to pool it all together in one cohesive unit and that frightens me
I believe one of the main reasons I'm so frustrated and frightened is because for the last 3, maybe even 4 years I've been in Chicago, I had a goal, I knew where it would end, I knew the basis for most actions, I just wasn't sure exactly what shape it would take, that's the muse part
and now I've left Chicago and feel like I'm wandering blind - I have several theories, but nothing feels just right yet, maybe because I'm going the wrong way. I'm not sure. I'm scared all the work I've done will be for nothing, that maybe I went awry so long ago and now I'm back to square one and I'm scared that I won't live up to ... what's come before.
now I'm not saying it's all spectacularly gravy, but parts of it are damn good, and this last part is in some ways the most critical because it is the conclusion, and the end is what makes it all worth it - I need justice
...maybe that's it, maybe I've just dicked around so long, that when I'm finally given the opportunity for justice, I shrink from it because it will be the end of the reason for being
fought so hard to deny the family, and the hertiage the background, where she came from, but confronting him, it'll be almost like she's lost her way - and I feel that fear, that reluctance now, and at the end of it all, I feel a smirk, a sudden realization that the satisfaction from this next kill will not be a revenge reward, but a personal triumph, a proud moment - a moment where you realize it's something so incredible, you don't have to do anymore, but you will anyway - just more selectively.
the sonuvabitch will burn, I'll see to that - otherwise, it really will be for nothing.
- so endith the sudden rant of Kat, my apologies