(no subject)
75 days left
can you believe it?
the average pregnancy lasts 280 days
I've been pregnant for 200+ already
it's nearly unfathomable
and on one hand I've never been more terrified in my life
that's barely more than 2 months left until my life changes forever, taking care of a little one, raising another human being ...
what the fuck was I thinking 200 days ago? I must've been out of my mind
I so cannot be a mother
I'm so scared
and what'll it be like?
it's not so very long ago, not really
but I can't imagine not being pregnant again
not to have a constant awareness of another being inside of me, apart of me, to know, on some level, that I am the only reason she lives, and to know how she thrives
and I suppose that I understand unlike before how a mother's worry never, ever goes away
once you live with someone, hold someone within the very core of your being, are all that keeps them alive for once, that is something truly amazing and inseperable and unlike any other experience I can comprehend
and she's not even here yet
in some warped way, I'd almost prefer to stay pregnant
I've grown used to it
and used to my daughter inside of me
what'll it be like to be seperate from her?
and see her grow apart?
I simply am hormonal I suspect
and scared
I don't want to do it, I don't want to give birth, not because I don't want to have a daughter, but because I'm afraid of the pain and afraid letting her go and afraid of the unknown
I'd give anything to have Jamie hold me close and tell me we'll all be okay
but he's at work
sigh
I had more I wanted to talk about
but this is all I can manage tonight
can you believe it?
the average pregnancy lasts 280 days
I've been pregnant for 200+ already
it's nearly unfathomable
and on one hand I've never been more terrified in my life
that's barely more than 2 months left until my life changes forever, taking care of a little one, raising another human being ...
what the fuck was I thinking 200 days ago? I must've been out of my mind
I so cannot be a mother
I'm so scared
and what'll it be like?
it's not so very long ago, not really
but I can't imagine not being pregnant again
not to have a constant awareness of another being inside of me, apart of me, to know, on some level, that I am the only reason she lives, and to know how she thrives
and I suppose that I understand unlike before how a mother's worry never, ever goes away
once you live with someone, hold someone within the very core of your being, are all that keeps them alive for once, that is something truly amazing and inseperable and unlike any other experience I can comprehend
and she's not even here yet
in some warped way, I'd almost prefer to stay pregnant
I've grown used to it
and used to my daughter inside of me
what'll it be like to be seperate from her?
and see her grow apart?
I simply am hormonal I suspect
and scared
I don't want to do it, I don't want to give birth, not because I don't want to have a daughter, but because I'm afraid of the pain and afraid letting her go and afraid of the unknown
I'd give anything to have Jamie hold me close and tell me we'll all be okay
but he's at work
sigh
I had more I wanted to talk about
but this is all I can manage tonight