(no subject)
TIME TO EXPLAIN MY RASH DECISION TO MYSELF:
I rented an apartment because
I am moving out on my boyfriend because
it is not an arbitrary decision
it is not about one thing alone.
i did it because
I want to explore my potential as an academic, like i did my first semester of school. full application, dedication- for my final year of school, also considering the video program at smtc, or another training setup to get a job in computer/design/video. I want to be marketable in the field by next year.
I want to know that I am not with Seth because I cannot pay my way. This is a place where he cautions me that i am being proud and stubborn and that there will be plenty of places for me to "prove" myself and "carry" the load with him. I think that this is true, but also feel like this is something that I need to do to believe in myself.
I want to know that I am not being monogamous with him simply because we are together, living together. I want to have my own freedom and still choose to be with him, if that is going to be the choice. It feels unsafe, I feel like its dangerous to leave, like I might bring other lovers home, but if i feel that danger then that's an honest question.
I need more space. Even if I wanted to live with him, there is no way that I can really comfortably have the space that I need to create and work in that apartment. my room is the fucking living room. there is a closet in it, junky and it is a walkthrough room. it is just fucking crazy that he spent 4,000 dollars on furniture yesterday. a new bed, a new mattress, a new leather couch. he's dealing fine. it just made me feel a little weird, like. what? if i had 4,000 dollars to spend i would buy such different stuff, a big fat plane ticket, a big fat camera... so strange. it made me feel further from him. like who are you? my partner? but he's happy. weird. the house will look totally different.
I want to be more productive. to have art as a product of my time. this is just not happening right now. pot smoking, tv watching, in each other's faces, not happening. i want to do it. i want to make it happen for me. i am not blind in thinking that it is his influence that is keeping me from producing, but i think that to make the change for me, having seperate home environments would be great.
i am idealistic. what do i see? in my mind. i see my place. funky. weird. mismatched. mostly empty. all mine.
i see mornings where i eat oatmeal. i see definite less spending on food, better eating.
i see walking alot, maybe buying a bike, but more footwork.
i see more computer time, more creative time, more reading time (i hope to hell there is wireless there)
i hear music playing
i see my new cat keeping me company.
i see a period of adjustment and uncertainty, probably loneliness.
i do see necessary.
jesus.
I rented an apartment because
I am moving out on my boyfriend because
it is not an arbitrary decision
it is not about one thing alone.
i did it because
I want to explore my potential as an academic, like i did my first semester of school. full application, dedication- for my final year of school, also considering the video program at smtc, or another training setup to get a job in computer/design/video. I want to be marketable in the field by next year.
I want to know that I am not with Seth because I cannot pay my way. This is a place where he cautions me that i am being proud and stubborn and that there will be plenty of places for me to "prove" myself and "carry" the load with him. I think that this is true, but also feel like this is something that I need to do to believe in myself.
I want to know that I am not being monogamous with him simply because we are together, living together. I want to have my own freedom and still choose to be with him, if that is going to be the choice. It feels unsafe, I feel like its dangerous to leave, like I might bring other lovers home, but if i feel that danger then that's an honest question.
I need more space. Even if I wanted to live with him, there is no way that I can really comfortably have the space that I need to create and work in that apartment. my room is the fucking living room. there is a closet in it, junky and it is a walkthrough room. it is just fucking crazy that he spent 4,000 dollars on furniture yesterday. a new bed, a new mattress, a new leather couch. he's dealing fine. it just made me feel a little weird, like. what? if i had 4,000 dollars to spend i would buy such different stuff, a big fat plane ticket, a big fat camera... so strange. it made me feel further from him. like who are you? my partner? but he's happy. weird. the house will look totally different.
I want to be more productive. to have art as a product of my time. this is just not happening right now. pot smoking, tv watching, in each other's faces, not happening. i want to do it. i want to make it happen for me. i am not blind in thinking that it is his influence that is keeping me from producing, but i think that to make the change for me, having seperate home environments would be great.
i am idealistic. what do i see? in my mind. i see my place. funky. weird. mismatched. mostly empty. all mine.
i see mornings where i eat oatmeal. i see definite less spending on food, better eating.
i see walking alot, maybe buying a bike, but more footwork.
i see more computer time, more creative time, more reading time (i hope to hell there is wireless there)
i hear music playing
i see my new cat keeping me company.
i see a period of adjustment and uncertainty, probably loneliness.
i do see necessary.
jesus.