(no subject)

[alleyes]

i don't know what my problem is. maybe i just don't want to grow up or something. maybe i have too much on my plate. maybe i didn't even know i had a plate until just recently. what am i saying? something about this whole trip has really knocked me loose into a feeling of 'this is my life' it is happening now and things will go for me, they will go right for me, i have potential to suceed and to execute my ideas. i got so excited thinking about being back in zrenjanin for a month. working with the kids to create another performance, draping the bridge or making a stage or something. working hard, learning more, knowing better how to organize the time. but then i ask balliett to go with me. is this a good idea? would it cramp things up between us? i think it could only make things better. then why am i having such a tough time. he mentioned that i'm not working at the ra anymore and that was a great deal of physical activity. i think that he's right on. i mean, i feel like a lump. i need to tan and start running, something to get the blood moving more than it is, because it causes other things to stagnate as well. i couldn't bring myself to go to mpg tonight. too tired, to full, to ready to be home and relax, but that is increasingly hard to do. last night still, looking at the clock that reads 7am and i'm wide awake. slept until 12:30. i don't know why i can' t sleep lately. encouraging meeting with dusan and kaitlin. felt a little worry about telling alex about the grant that i'm going for. he might go for it too. the last thing i need with him is competition, and i hope that he doesn't feel that way.
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alot of what i write is kind of talking to myself. i write about how i can do things better, what i want to change, how i will modify, process my thoughts. sometimes it feels like i keep avoiding the real topic.
the real topic
the real topic
the real topic
what is the real topic here
.