i cut last night and i havent done that in a long time
work was dead tonight. they let me go home early because none of us were making any money. tomorrow, julie wants to work by herself so i dont go in the morning, and kasy wants to work for me at night, so i have all tomorrow off. which is good i guess. last night i got really upset with patrick because he didnt come over and i called him and was crying and he showed no emotion as usual. he said he didnt think i cared which made me feel like shit. i was just feeling depressed and was telling him about it and he didnt make me feel any better, he actually made me feel worse so i cut. i havent cut in a long ass time. i cut on my upper arm, so that when i go to work, they wont see, thats the only reason i havent been cutting, is because i dont want people at work to see it. so i found a new place. it hurt more than my usual place tho, its softer skin. my mom saw them, i told her about the fight. this morning we went to get me registured for another class. so now im a full time student. im taking public speaking! ah, im so nervous, i hate talking in front of people! it was the easiest class that i had to take tho. its at grasso on tuesday nights. i have 10 days left till school. my stomach is in knots. i broke up with patrick last night but he called me today and acted like nothing was wrong. im such a fuckin bitch for breaking his heart so many times. i know that once i go to school ill leave him, and i dont want to leave him for another guy, because that would kill me. and i dont want to stay with him any longer because i know it'll hurt more. but i dont want ot break up with him now because i feel so fuckin bad!!!! i feel stuck. i cant win either way. neither can patrick. why cant he just be a fuckin romantic! and more sympathatic?!?!?! it would fix EVERYTHING! well, i mean, he would have to fix alot of other things. he would have to stop putting me last! and stop thinking about work so much! and stop being such a fuckin dork, and stop drinking so much. and stop making stupid faces when we have sex lol. sometimes i feel like i never want to have sex again. but than other times i feel like i just never want to have sex with patrick. patrick KIND OF looked like he cared about my cuts. i like them, ive always liked my cuts. because i feel like, since im only hurting on the inside, i feel like people dont know how bad im hurtin but if i cut, they will know. also, it helps me release ALOT of tension. it calms me down ALOT. im so unsatisfied with everything in my life. i know i treat everyone like shit and im an asshole, i just dont know how to change. everyone says ill change, rob says ill change when i find the right person, my mom says ill change when i get older. i know ill never change. i have all this freakin guilt about it, you think it would be motivation to change. im not even really that upset right now but i keep looking at my cuts and want to cut again. it really hurt alot more than my forearms, i could freakin HEAR the skin ripping, it was discusting! aj and joey and patrick are coming over. i dont really feel like having company but i told patrick we could hang out tonight and i am hoping that joe and aj have weed so i can smoke, i need to so bad! i want to see if aj has any morphene. last time i took that i had a bad reaction, but i want to see if it will have a different one next time. i feel like going to sit down at the wall. i wish rob would call me. i feel like just hugging him, i bet you he needs one. he doesnt have anyone to hug him and be there for him. im starting to feel like shit again. i have to find another counciler. maybe at the care center. alright, im going to go, i think sit down by the wall or something. ill write later
Charity
Charity