i just want life to pause
patrick called me this morning and wanted to know if i wanted to go with him and his family on a boat ride. i dont really like his family. esp. his dad since he killed my dog. so i didnt go. but he complained the other night when i didnt want to hang out because he wouldnt see me the next day. so youd think he would try to make time to see me the next day. well, he did, but i didnt want to do that, so...i dont know. i dropped my mom off at her show today and than went to AJ's. alot of people were over there and everyone was making plans, with me included, and i didnt feel like hanging out with everyone. i invited aj and dylan to come over and watch a movie. but than dylan wanted to invite his girlfriend, so i was like,ok no. so it was going to be just me and AJ but i didnt feel like smokin. i drove him to pick up some weed than dropped him back at his place. we hung out a couple hours, i just didnt feel like smokin or hanging out with alot of people. jason called me when aj and i were hangin out...jason, robs dope dealer! he asked if i wanted to smoke with him! i said no, first off because i ddint feel like it, second he was ROBS DOPE DEALER! and i dont know him that well to just chill with him like that. i was really surprised that he called me. aj says he just wants to get in my pants. i dont know. he's got a girl, not that i would ever even THINK about getting with him. robs sister called me and told me she had a guitar and money that was missing. and she heard that jason and rob were cool now so he must have paid him back, but when i asked jason if he heard from rob, he said no. but anyway, robs sister wanted me to ask joey if he's heard anything about a guitar. so i called AJ lookin for joe and i talked ot him but he said no. joe talked to him the other day and rob said he was going into a clinic which is bull shit because thats the same thing he told me. it all makes me so mad. his sister is really pissed, so i told her to go to the pawn shop in groton because thats where he pawned arrons rings. so i was thinking, this is fuckin terrible, that maybe rob and jason were cool, rob knows i have money, so i was going to smoke with jason, and some how, rob was going to take my bank card, and i wouldnt think it was rob because i think they arent talking. i dont know. probably not but thats just what i thought. every time i think about how robs life is turning out, i feel like crying. he was such an awesome person. i wish we could go back 6 years, everything would be perfect. tahts when we first met, and me and aj and joey just met too. everything was bliss. tahts all it was about. and all they did was weed. i hadnt even touched drugs yet. that was the happiest time in my life. i cant even trust anything that rob says. not that he talks to me anyway, i havent talked to him in like 2 weeks. i have things rushing through my head. im scared to start school. im scared ill fail, ive got guilt about patrick, my minds rushing with bills and things i have to pay. im going to take an extra class to be a full time student so they wont count my income so mommy will get more money from the state. ive just got so much on my mind. i just want life to pause and let me rest. i have friends up here, but i feel like i dont, i feel like im so distant from everyone! i feel like theres alot of pressure on me right now. but im not sure for what. anticipation too, ALOT. i went to the gyno today, lol i had to get a finger prick to test for red blood cells. i almost cried, i HATE needles, which is weird because im in love with my tattoos. i want to get wings on my first one, but they would be $100! fuck that, i wanted to get the one on my shoulder done up here, but it was only $40 down in Ga. thats where i got both my tats. the wings i want are both like an inch, and they want a hundred! yea right. ill wait for the next time i go to Ga. i cant wait for chrissy to get here and we can go to NY. thats like three months from now tho lol. my computer is acting up, its taking so long to do stupid shit. you know how you anticipate breaks, like, the weekend, spring break, summer? well im anticipating school, but than anticipating the vacations and when it'll all be over, and i can get a break, but i actually dont, it just keeps fuckin comin, i have to work after that you know? like, it never quits, shit just keeps comin at me, and most people would be looking forward to all this stuff. but im only 18 and im absolutly terrified. im starting college, im starting the start to my career, that word, career, scares the shit out of me. do you know how young i am? how little life ive lived? and i already have to start doing this? i think im having a break down or something. because i feel WAY TOO MUCH responsibility coming on me at once, all of a sudden. like i have to grow up too quickly. maybe thats because i feel like part of my 'childhood' was taken from me. thats it, i feel like im getting all this responsibility all at once. i miss stephaine. i wish we still talked. she was my counciler. i dont want to talk about why we dont talk anymore. but i wish we did. she would be proud of me that i start college. and that i am getting on with my life. i hate this fuckin computer. i wish i had a boyfriend, that i liked. i wish i could learn to love patrick, when we first starting dating, i was crazy about him. i do this with all of my boyfriends, i fuckin suck. i wish i could be different, i wish i could change. i dont know whats wrong with me, thats why i honestly believe i will never find anyone for me. alright im going to go, i have to wake up tomorrow to go to school and pick up that extra class. ugh...
love
Charity
love
Charity