Lol. Life.
So, I found out yesterday that my Mom’s mom, my favorite grandma, was in the hospital for pneumonia. She was only in a little hospital in a little town, so I didn’t think much of it. Later that day my dad calls me telling me that they are moving her to billings. Not only moving her, but air lifting her, to Billings. For them to air lift her to Billings it has to be bad. If it was mild but just something they couldn’t handle in their tiny hospital they would have just brought her to Cody because it’s a lot closer. When my grandpa, my mom’s dad, slipped on ice and broke a hip they brought him to Cody, obviously not knowing he would die shortly after because of bleeding internal organs….. Anyways, so later that day my dad calls and very non sensitively told me that it didn’t look good for “grammy” (He hates her because she bitches at him and sticks up for me in front of his kids. One of the very many reasons I love her.). My mom came home to pack an overnight bag to go and see grandma in Billings too and be able to be there for her. She was pretty shook up. My uncle Alan drove up also to see my grandma, but left later that day. My mother is shouldering this whole situation by herself. I found out yesterday also that apparently everything is failing and that my grandma probably wont make it. I really want to be there but my dad doesn’t want me driving to Billings by myself and I don’t want to stress my mom out any more by telling her that I’m driving up alone. So I told my friends that I need someone to drive up with me. One of my friends had more important things to do, ( =/ ) but Monkey said that he would. Unfortuantly I texted my mom (No sense in calling because her phone is off most of the time because they wont let her have it on in the ICU and her phone is dying most of the time if not dead.) and asked her if she needed me to come up and told her I had a friend to drive me or drive with me. No response yet. I feel so sorry for her, and I desperately want to be there with her.
On a different note, I went to Loral on the 4th to watch a firework show. I went with K and that night was so amazing. Had a few beers (Its almost a crime not to drink on the 4th in Wyoming.) and watched the fireworks. I can’t even describe how unbelievably amazing this night was. Not because of him, mostly, but because of the situation and everything that went on. I almost think that maybe I could spend the rest of my life with K…. But that is only an emotional sentence based on last nights events, not on the fact that he is an ass and doesn’t care about me. Anyways again….
For some reason it feels like I’m slowly killing myself… Oh wait. Lol. It’s because I am. Ever since a few days ago I have become overly obsessed with my pudge, and overly big body frame, and cellulite, and rolls, and double chins, and extra flab, and fat cheeks, and… You get the point. So, instead of doing something smart like dieting properly or killing myself exercising or something, I have, in the past three days, only consumed alcohol, water, and a diet Snapple. Lol. Oh, and half a pickle. Smart? Maybe not? Is it working? Yes. Would I recommend this to anyone else? Fook no. I have some sort of feeling that this is only a mental reaction to all sorts of things that are going wrong in my life. ‘I can’t control life or anything like that, but I can control the things that go in my mouth,’ or some junk like that. And one thing that surprises me and makes my doing this make no sense is, while I was in Malibu there were people doing ‘Life signs’ and telling their life story to possibly help someone in the crowd. One girl was telling her story of her anorexia problem in high school and college. The group leader asked the crowd (kids) what advice they would have given her if they had been a friend at the time. Wanna know what I said? “Your absolutely gorgeous the way you are, and if you can’t love yourself with the way you look now, you’ll never be happy with the way your body looks ever.” It’s amazing what you can think about something before you start doing it… I just want to be able to walk down the street in little shorts and a tank top and turn heads. The only reason I would turn heads now is because people would have to double check that it wasn’t a cow walking down the street on its hind legs dressed in women’s clothing. After these three days, I feel amazing. Kinda… I look better at least. And right now, although no one will agree, that’s what matters. And in the end, I’ll be proud of me for having the strength to do it.
On a different note, I went to Loral on the 4th to watch a firework show. I went with K and that night was so amazing. Had a few beers (Its almost a crime not to drink on the 4th in Wyoming.) and watched the fireworks. I can’t even describe how unbelievably amazing this night was. Not because of him, mostly, but because of the situation and everything that went on. I almost think that maybe I could spend the rest of my life with K…. But that is only an emotional sentence based on last nights events, not on the fact that he is an ass and doesn’t care about me. Anyways again….
For some reason it feels like I’m slowly killing myself… Oh wait. Lol. It’s because I am. Ever since a few days ago I have become overly obsessed with my pudge, and overly big body frame, and cellulite, and rolls, and double chins, and extra flab, and fat cheeks, and… You get the point. So, instead of doing something smart like dieting properly or killing myself exercising or something, I have, in the past three days, only consumed alcohol, water, and a diet Snapple. Lol. Oh, and half a pickle. Smart? Maybe not? Is it working? Yes. Would I recommend this to anyone else? Fook no. I have some sort of feeling that this is only a mental reaction to all sorts of things that are going wrong in my life. ‘I can’t control life or anything like that, but I can control the things that go in my mouth,’ or some junk like that. And one thing that surprises me and makes my doing this make no sense is, while I was in Malibu there were people doing ‘Life signs’ and telling their life story to possibly help someone in the crowd. One girl was telling her story of her anorexia problem in high school and college. The group leader asked the crowd (kids) what advice they would have given her if they had been a friend at the time. Wanna know what I said? “Your absolutely gorgeous the way you are, and if you can’t love yourself with the way you look now, you’ll never be happy with the way your body looks ever.” It’s amazing what you can think about something before you start doing it… I just want to be able to walk down the street in little shorts and a tank top and turn heads. The only reason I would turn heads now is because people would have to double check that it wasn’t a cow walking down the street on its hind legs dressed in women’s clothing. After these three days, I feel amazing. Kinda… I look better at least. And right now, although no one will agree, that’s what matters. And in the end, I’ll be proud of me for having the strength to do it.