its the kind of different that makes me afraid...
I found out after marks latest infidelity, that we are expecting for the 3rd time this year. I can't really sum into words what I felt when we found out. I was confused and not ready. Not ready for the heart ache that I just endured just a few weeks prior. I emotionally couldn't face it. The cramps, the weird fluid that discharges, not being able to feel anything, not knowing what's wrong. I'm still not ready and we are now 17 weeks along. I feel a lot of pressure from my husband. I tell him how hard this is for me, that I'm struggling emotionally to acknowledge that I'm even pregnant, ans that the baby is doing great thus far. Our first ultrasound was at 7 weeks which is when we found out we were pregnant. Heart beat was 160 the next ultrasound was at 8 weeks, same heart rate and again at 9 weeks. At 11 weeks heart rate went down to 156 and still low at our 16 week visit. We got a 3D ultrasound yesterday at 16w6d and found out there's a little boy in there. I think it makes my anxiety rise because now not only are we further along then we've ever been but now we have the sex, we have actual facial recognition, we have a video of him moving and playing with the umbilical cord. Now if something happens I wouldn't be able to recover and it really scares me. There are days I don't even think about it and am just excited, but then there's days where I see something on my news feed that says that the person lost their baby at 17 weeks, and my friend lost her baby at 19 weeks just a few weeks ago due to an infection. And my other friend told me her best friend lost her baby at 21 weeks. Meanwhile the doctors are telling me I'm out of miscarriage stage. I just am awaiting this 17th week to be over, so I make it past the one girl, then my next goal is to the 19 weeks to make it past the next girl, and then to 21 for the next. Yanno it seems like a lot of important deadlines to keep track of. Its a lot of pressure. And I'm not over the infidelity but we are in sex therapy mainly for him but they are wanting both of us to go together. We'll see.
Also, at 11 weeks I found out I have placenta previa. It was completely covering my cervix. At my 16 week ultrasound it moved up 3cm and is no longer covering all of my cervix. I've been on bedrest since week 9, and they want me to stay on bedrest until my next appointment which is December 5th. I'll be 18 and change weeks. So fingers crossed.
I love this baby boy so much. Tomorrow is my due date for the first baby we lost, and its hard to think about. But I believe I had to lose, twice in order to prep myself, emotionally and physically for Leland. And for my children to unknowingly sacrifice themselves for Leland is more then I could ever imagine. I just wish my husband could share in my emotional state when it comes to them.
Maybe one day.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Also, at 11 weeks I found out I have placenta previa. It was completely covering my cervix. At my 16 week ultrasound it moved up 3cm and is no longer covering all of my cervix. I've been on bedrest since week 9, and they want me to stay on bedrest until my next appointment which is December 5th. I'll be 18 and change weeks. So fingers crossed.
I love this baby boy so much. Tomorrow is my due date for the first baby we lost, and its hard to think about. But I believe I had to lose, twice in order to prep myself, emotionally and physically for Leland. And for my children to unknowingly sacrifice themselves for Leland is more then I could ever imagine. I just wish my husband could share in my emotional state when it comes to them.
Maybe one day.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.