Prince of ever after
What a week.
I believe I have aged, at least 5 years this week. Lets go to the beginning here.
Last Thursday, I was 10 days late from my period. I bought a few home pregnancy tests, and I tried two and they were positive. The next morning, I did three more, all positive. I get so excited. I made an appointment at the naval hospital, said stomach flu, so I could get seen right away. They confirm, YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! 5 weeks and 5 days is what she said. Which ultrasounds later, agreed that was how far along I actually was. After work, Mark and I go to walmart, like crazy people, like people who just found out they are having a baby. We get some baby first aide stuff, a few unisex onesies, a diaper cart. I stopped smoking instantly. Wasn't even hard to quit actually, it just felt like that was something I had to do, there was no maybes about it.
Where the trouble actually starts, I don't really know, Saturday morning when I went pee in the morning, I had a little bloody discharge but nothing big. I went on with my day. Woke up Sunday, bloody toliet paper, but not bad, but decided to go in anyway. Went to the naval hospital ER. They said baby was fine, no need for ultrasound, sometimes spotting is implantation, etc. I get a little frazzled but am still pushing through. Monday, I start bleeding a little more. Go into the ER Monday evening to the Naval hospital, they do an ultrasound this time, and the tech wouldn't let me see the monitor (whore) but she had the sound up, and I heard this womp womp womp over and over again. I cried, I knew that was a good sign, and that was a heartbeat, that is something you are supposed to hear. Same thing, I go home and its fine. Wednesday I get some cramping, and alot of pressure, like I should be pushing, but, I have also been constipated, so I figure it was just from needing to poop. But all day, everytime I wiped there was something bloody there, and discharge. We decide to go to another hospital here in Vista, Tri City. They did an ultrasound, and when I was looking on it, there was nothing to see. I still wasn't alarmed, because the baby was so small, I was only 6 weeks and a couple of days. Doctor comes in and says, "your HCG levels are really low for how far along you are and there is no beating heart any more. You have miscarried."
Mark instantly falls apart, and I sob all the way home. That was the worst night. All night I bled and cramped so badly. The pain physically, was so gutwrenching. We go into the naval hospital ER Thursday morning. See the OB nurse, and they confirm that the baby is gone, but the sac and baby are still in there not wanting to come out for some reason. She automatically jumps to surgery, lets get me into the OR and get it taken care of. I get really scared and start crying and talked it over with Mark, and we decide to wait. She said okay, and told me to come in Friday at 8 to the OB clinic to see her to do another check up and to see if we want to do surgery. So, nobody slept really well that night. It was horrible.
Getting such amazing news of this miracle, and then, having lost the miracle in such a short time, its unbearable. My heart doesn't understand why. I don't understand. I know I'm not supposed to, and I know I shouldn't be this upset, and I should get over it already, since afterall we did just find out, and we weren't that far along... but.. I keep hearing that heartbeat. Womp womp womp and it hurts so bad. Its all I hear in my dreams, and when I am awake and am sitting and its quiet around I hear it in my head.
Friday we go in. I get into my room, and I look haggard as fuck, seriously. My eyes are puffy and my hair is all over and I am wore raggity shit. I felt like shit. I get into the room, and the guy takes my vitals and what not, and puts my chart out for the doctor. 2 minutes later the same guy, comes back in and asks "maam, do you know if you are pregnant or not?" WTF. Do you not read my damn chart? You know why I am here. So a doctor comes in, who wasn't who I saw in the ER. She takes my history down on a notepad, and is very thurough when she is asking me questions about each thing, she was much more interested and interactive about me then the OB who gave me the clomid. She did the ultrasound, and said the baby is coming out fine, no need for surgery, lets keep things as natural as possible so that when we decide to try again, we will have a better chance of it.
She asked if she wants me to become her OB, and I say yes please, and then she made me an appointment for the 15th of April or something. That appointment, she wants to do another check of my uterus with the ultrasound, see how everything is looking. And then she wants to sit down with me and come up with a step by step plan of how we are going to try again. She wants to put me back on clomid, maybe a higher dosage, and she wants to try progesterone in conjunction with the clomid, and she wants to see how fast that works, and if it works better this time. She has a bunch of ideas, and doesn't want me to dwell on this.
I dont want to dwell on this either, and I will try my best not to. I just need to give it a few more days I think. I am just so sad. I don't feel like talking to anyone, or seeing anyone, not even my husband. I am not blaming anyone, which is good, but I just don't feel like seeing the look on peoples faces, or if I cry who will it affect, if I want to scream who will think I'm breaking down. I mean, I just want to be left alone. I dont know whether to talk about it, or say nothing. My heart is hurting, and I just want it to stop. I dont want it to hurt anymore. It hurts so bad. Sometimes I wonder if trying is even what I want to do again. I dont know if I want to do this, because I wont be able to handle it. I just wont. I can hardly get myself to wake up in the morning, let alone try and replace something that was unreplaceable.
I'm sitting here just sobbing. I dont know what to do with myself. I feel ugly, and disgusting, and I hate when my husband even looks at me right now, it makes me sick. He was checking out girls today, right in front of me, for a good 2 minutes, until I told him to close his mouth. I just lost your child, and your already on the prowl. I am so sorry, thats what I kept telling my husband on Wednesday. I am so sorry.
I died inside, it wasn't supposed to hurt this bad.
