The truth hurts, but the lies are worse...
Well jasper st james has been gone for 5 days now. he is gone. i cried sooo hard yesterday. i miss my baby love so much. i wish he was here so bad. i was told yesterday to just give up and let go. its so easier said then done though. i may give up, but i am not going to ever let go. i will never let go, no matter what anyone says. i love you so much and you will always be on my mind, and in my heart.
onto other things. elmer. piece. of. shit. asshole. mother. fucker. i hate him. seriously. i didnt hear a damn thing from him on saturday, and sunday he calls me WITH HIS WIFE and told me that he went back to her, and she was telling me how when i get there i should come over and have bbqs with them and hang out with them. that stupid bitch. are you fucking kidding me. so i hung up and deleted him off my facebook, all his pictures off my phone, his phone number is gone, everything of HIM IS GONE out of my life. and when he realizes that he made the wrong choice, because something will happen, because they cant get along longer then 5 minutes, so next month, or next week, whenever it falls apart, i PRAY he texts me. i seriously do. fuck you. that is exactly what i will say. fuck you mother chucker. seriously. i am not a yoyo, you cannot play with me and then leave me in the closet and then come back to play, no.
wow. so 8 months of being single with a few dates here and there, this elmer thing really sucked. alot. i cried. alot. alot. i really did. and it was the combination of jasper too. it was just a crummy morning yesterday. literal sobs. gut wrenching sobs. fuck me.
so. today is a little better. i had a dream about jasper, that he came home and he laid in bed with me, and before i had that dream i was tossing and turning, and when i was having that dream i remember not waking up once, so he came into my dream and comforted me, helped me sleep. came and cuddled as if he were here. my baby. he always made me feel better and he always cuddled with me when i needed him to, and even when i didnt of course. god. it feels like i lost my child. its really heart wrenching. and i hate that people say oh he was just a cat. yeah he was just a cat to YOU bitch, but to me, he was my child. he has been the ONLY solid thing in my life for 2 1/2 years. through johns drinking, through john and i's divorce, through tim and i's fights, through tim beating me up. he laid with me on the floor after tim broke my ribs, he did, he cuddled with me for a few hours until i could get the strength to stand up.
he was there for me when i moved here and away from tim. he was here through the hard mornings after work, and the celebrations of the weekends, he was here. he was always here. and now hes not. and it hurts. i didnt think i needed him as much as i did, and now i see how much he helped make everything all better.
i have exactly 4 months from today from when i am moving to north carolina. so, i will be working working working. saving saving saving. i am now driving up there all alone, thank you elmer. and thank you jasper. so i will have to figure out how to burn CDs or get someone to burn me some and send them to me... lol. because i just dont have enough CDs to last me 40 hours, seriously. i dont. nope. i hardly have any. no more dating for me, until i get there, and even then i am not going to want to date someone right away, i need to get there and chill out, get to know the area, bond with my godson, be with tamara, live life a little, then think about dating. i will. it'll happen, when im ready.
onto other things. elmer. piece. of. shit. asshole. mother. fucker. i hate him. seriously. i didnt hear a damn thing from him on saturday, and sunday he calls me WITH HIS WIFE and told me that he went back to her, and she was telling me how when i get there i should come over and have bbqs with them and hang out with them. that stupid bitch. are you fucking kidding me. so i hung up and deleted him off my facebook, all his pictures off my phone, his phone number is gone, everything of HIM IS GONE out of my life. and when he realizes that he made the wrong choice, because something will happen, because they cant get along longer then 5 minutes, so next month, or next week, whenever it falls apart, i PRAY he texts me. i seriously do. fuck you. that is exactly what i will say. fuck you mother chucker. seriously. i am not a yoyo, you cannot play with me and then leave me in the closet and then come back to play, no.
wow. so 8 months of being single with a few dates here and there, this elmer thing really sucked. alot. i cried. alot. alot. i really did. and it was the combination of jasper too. it was just a crummy morning yesterday. literal sobs. gut wrenching sobs. fuck me.
so. today is a little better. i had a dream about jasper, that he came home and he laid in bed with me, and before i had that dream i was tossing and turning, and when i was having that dream i remember not waking up once, so he came into my dream and comforted me, helped me sleep. came and cuddled as if he were here. my baby. he always made me feel better and he always cuddled with me when i needed him to, and even when i didnt of course. god. it feels like i lost my child. its really heart wrenching. and i hate that people say oh he was just a cat. yeah he was just a cat to YOU bitch, but to me, he was my child. he has been the ONLY solid thing in my life for 2 1/2 years. through johns drinking, through john and i's divorce, through tim and i's fights, through tim beating me up. he laid with me on the floor after tim broke my ribs, he did, he cuddled with me for a few hours until i could get the strength to stand up.
he was there for me when i moved here and away from tim. he was here through the hard mornings after work, and the celebrations of the weekends, he was here. he was always here. and now hes not. and it hurts. i didnt think i needed him as much as i did, and now i see how much he helped make everything all better.
i have exactly 4 months from today from when i am moving to north carolina. so, i will be working working working. saving saving saving. i am now driving up there all alone, thank you elmer. and thank you jasper. so i will have to figure out how to burn CDs or get someone to burn me some and send them to me... lol. because i just dont have enough CDs to last me 40 hours, seriously. i dont. nope. i hardly have any. no more dating for me, until i get there, and even then i am not going to want to date someone right away, i need to get there and chill out, get to know the area, bond with my godson, be with tamara, live life a little, then think about dating. i will. it'll happen, when im ready.