Good Luck
Sunday was a pretty nice start. Woke up with Joe we had breakfast. Other than the nat that was flying around the table i had very little worries running about my head.
So when i got home I felt on top of it. I was in a hurry though and backing up onto my driveway i heard this horrendous scratching like as if jets of water were hitting my car as i backed up scrapping my car a little i knew i had been in too much of a rush and felt like shit because of it ... my car could look worse... and so could my neighbors wall.
I sent a text to joe. not sure if he got it. And I guess no response is better than one you don't really want to hear so saying nothing was the right thing to do. . . but i could have used a hug.
Then at Pala's I made a fool of myself. I won some lost more but ended up with a hundred.
a lady called me out as i left the blackjack table... saying, "you're a poor card player... you've lost me a lot of money today." I smiled sheepishly as i left thinking what a fucking bitch... but just couldn't bring myself to say it.
this woman was blowing smoke directly in the direction of my mom and i have to say i hate smoke altogether. i hate it for killing my grandma i hate it for insnaring my grandpa. i hate the stench of it how it clings and makes me feel disgusting and gross... so you can imagine how it bugged the shit out of me that someone has the lack of courtesy to blow it in another direction. I told her to have a little more respect. Next time I'm gonna work up a huge fart stand on the chair and let-er-rip.
Sometimes i have half a mind to carry a squirt bottle or if i was really feeling ballsy I'd sip some water and spit it at the perpetrator.
Now i know this just sounds like i have some regressed anger issues... but i guess its better i have the thought of it rather than actually doing it.
I just feel like I concede way too much in my life.
I'm 24 and I should be stronger than I am.
I see other people come into the office some my age and while i feel like I'm flipping burgers it could be better than an alternative. I should be grateful.
I felt like I had the worst luck in the world on Sunday. And I felt alone in that. Like a little black rain cloud hovered over head pissing on me as I went about my way trying to hope that I'd hit a jack pot and called it a life. Life on interest and happy thoughts. quit my job, work out with a trainer and spend my days making things better in my life... things that get neglected or i feel i have no time for.
The truth is anything in life could be felt as unimportant. we place as much importance as we want no more no less than what we feel we ought.
I put too much thought in thinking and wondering and worrying. And I forget how to live. I don't know if I could have fun sometimes. I grew up way too fast.
Okay the not knowing how to have fun part is a little harsh against me. I do enjoy myself and being around a select few mostly joe and my family. I like it that way i really do. Joe and I had a long discussion about this when we first started dating. probably one of my more depressing moments or topics.
I tend to think that its not just the quantity or quality of friends but the fact that I placed/place way too much expectation on people. everyone in someway shape or form has let me down. from preschool to present day they don't stack up, they fall short or they don't even try at all.
I blame myself and my imagination. But for just once I'd like to be out thought and anticipated surprised in the way that doesn't make me uneasy.
And meanwhile as I could stare off and think of a billion thoughts, be miles and miles and miles away... the reality is i never move. and thats just it i feel i dont move fast enough
I have wasted countless time and let people down by over thinking how it should all play out. Instead of actually trying
And its those high expectations for myself that keep me the most stagnant I move the bar up so fast that as much as i climb it just never seems to me to ever get better.
......
On Sunday at around 1:30 pm ... a 28 year old man's life was cut short due to an unexpected heart attack. He was an Insurance Business Manager ... a coworker of mine. No family of his own but I think he had siblings and of course parents other relatives who can not believe how fast life can be taken away...
and I thought my luck was bad because my food order of beef stir fry noodles had mushrooms in it. I'm llergic to mushrooms.
People... mainly myself ... get so caught up in the most unimportant things in life. for what?
my story ended well. I took home some money more than what i brought. I took back the noodles and asked if they could make a different batch because i couldnt eat it and because i was so kind about it the lady was please to help me she thanked me for being so understanding and i passed by that mean lady who called me out when we were leaving thinking about how much money she wasted when she just could have easily left that table or saved her money altogether.
No i guess people just go forward head first never knowing what outcome and hopefully not thinking too much about the decisions... just live. just be happy. just try to enjoy every part of every person you care for and hope that they would do the same for you.
cause i understand that no one can comfort me but me allowing myself to be comforted
no one can understand me unless i want to be understood
i can't change unless i really want to
i can only live as much as i let myself.
i can be as afraid and troubled sad and frustrated as i let myself be
well i want to be less bogged down by crap and petty nothingness
i want to be free and happy and alive and no troubles could ever be so tough when i remember i have people to spend my time with.
just felt like sharing that...
So when i got home I felt on top of it. I was in a hurry though and backing up onto my driveway i heard this horrendous scratching like as if jets of water were hitting my car as i backed up scrapping my car a little i knew i had been in too much of a rush and felt like shit because of it ... my car could look worse... and so could my neighbors wall.
I sent a text to joe. not sure if he got it. And I guess no response is better than one you don't really want to hear so saying nothing was the right thing to do. . . but i could have used a hug.
Then at Pala's I made a fool of myself. I won some lost more but ended up with a hundred.
a lady called me out as i left the blackjack table... saying, "you're a poor card player... you've lost me a lot of money today." I smiled sheepishly as i left thinking what a fucking bitch... but just couldn't bring myself to say it.
this woman was blowing smoke directly in the direction of my mom and i have to say i hate smoke altogether. i hate it for killing my grandma i hate it for insnaring my grandpa. i hate the stench of it how it clings and makes me feel disgusting and gross... so you can imagine how it bugged the shit out of me that someone has the lack of courtesy to blow it in another direction. I told her to have a little more respect. Next time I'm gonna work up a huge fart stand on the chair and let-er-rip.
Sometimes i have half a mind to carry a squirt bottle or if i was really feeling ballsy I'd sip some water and spit it at the perpetrator.
Now i know this just sounds like i have some regressed anger issues... but i guess its better i have the thought of it rather than actually doing it.
I just feel like I concede way too much in my life.
I'm 24 and I should be stronger than I am.
I see other people come into the office some my age and while i feel like I'm flipping burgers it could be better than an alternative. I should be grateful.
I felt like I had the worst luck in the world on Sunday. And I felt alone in that. Like a little black rain cloud hovered over head pissing on me as I went about my way trying to hope that I'd hit a jack pot and called it a life. Life on interest and happy thoughts. quit my job, work out with a trainer and spend my days making things better in my life... things that get neglected or i feel i have no time for.
The truth is anything in life could be felt as unimportant. we place as much importance as we want no more no less than what we feel we ought.
I put too much thought in thinking and wondering and worrying. And I forget how to live. I don't know if I could have fun sometimes. I grew up way too fast.
Okay the not knowing how to have fun part is a little harsh against me. I do enjoy myself and being around a select few mostly joe and my family. I like it that way i really do. Joe and I had a long discussion about this when we first started dating. probably one of my more depressing moments or topics.
I tend to think that its not just the quantity or quality of friends but the fact that I placed/place way too much expectation on people. everyone in someway shape or form has let me down. from preschool to present day they don't stack up, they fall short or they don't even try at all.
I blame myself and my imagination. But for just once I'd like to be out thought and anticipated surprised in the way that doesn't make me uneasy.
And meanwhile as I could stare off and think of a billion thoughts, be miles and miles and miles away... the reality is i never move. and thats just it i feel i dont move fast enough
I have wasted countless time and let people down by over thinking how it should all play out. Instead of actually trying
And its those high expectations for myself that keep me the most stagnant I move the bar up so fast that as much as i climb it just never seems to me to ever get better.
......
On Sunday at around 1:30 pm ... a 28 year old man's life was cut short due to an unexpected heart attack. He was an Insurance Business Manager ... a coworker of mine. No family of his own but I think he had siblings and of course parents other relatives who can not believe how fast life can be taken away...
and I thought my luck was bad because my food order of beef stir fry noodles had mushrooms in it. I'm llergic to mushrooms.
People... mainly myself ... get so caught up in the most unimportant things in life. for what?
my story ended well. I took home some money more than what i brought. I took back the noodles and asked if they could make a different batch because i couldnt eat it and because i was so kind about it the lady was please to help me she thanked me for being so understanding and i passed by that mean lady who called me out when we were leaving thinking about how much money she wasted when she just could have easily left that table or saved her money altogether.
No i guess people just go forward head first never knowing what outcome and hopefully not thinking too much about the decisions... just live. just be happy. just try to enjoy every part of every person you care for and hope that they would do the same for you.
cause i understand that no one can comfort me but me allowing myself to be comforted
no one can understand me unless i want to be understood
i can't change unless i really want to
i can only live as much as i let myself.
i can be as afraid and troubled sad and frustrated as i let myself be
well i want to be less bogged down by crap and petty nothingness
i want to be free and happy and alive and no troubles could ever be so tough when i remember i have people to spend my time with.
just felt like sharing that...