well hmm
so things are pretty shitty. people are calling me out of the blue trying to find stevie, but these same people never call me to see how i am or anything. it fucking pisses me off. not to mention how would i know where the hell she is. she doesnt want to speak to me. but you know what thats okay, b.c i dont have to sit here and feel like i'm wasting my time trying to make things work with her when she doesnt give a rats ass what happens. it still hurts to know that when i really need her like right now shes not there. i feel like i have no one. i mean i know i have my friends and all, but i need someone to just tell me that everythings going to be okay right now. my step dads drunk again and he's decided he wants to take all of his aggresion out on me and my mom and it makes me feel like shit, b.c i havent done anything.he keeps telling us he's tried to make things work but they just arent going to work. so i think he might be leaving mom and that hurts alot, b.c me and mom gave up EVERYTHING we had so that she could be with him. he still has his river house that he lived in for like 30 years, but we dont have anything. we dont have our old apartment, we dont have anywhere to run to when things arent going okay (which they usually arent). and i hate how no one calls me to see how i'm doing, cuz to be quite honest i'm not okay right now. there are a few people that i know care enough to get in touch with me, but these arent people that i can call or be with at three in the morning to make me feel a little better. like micheal...i know he cares alot about me and i know that he would be there for me if he could no matter what time it was...but he cant b.c he has school and crazy mom and all that shit. but i just wish there was somebody here that i could really depend on. i had that with stevie. she was the only person that would come over here and just lay with me when i was crying or would just be there with me so i wasnt alone. but now i dont even have that. i know i didnt deserve what she did to me or anything, but that doesnt mean i dont still need her. cuz i do. ALOT more than people think. thats why i get so hurt and confused when people told me to just say fuck that and fuck her...they didnt know how much i really did need her and how much i still do. things might not have gone exactly as i planned for them to, but when in life does anything go as planned? i've tried everything i know how to deal with all of shit thats been going on. i've tried running away, i've tried hiding, i've tried facing it head on, i've tried fighting it off, i've tried pretending it doesnt exist. i've tried EVERYTHING. and none of it works. i feel so helpless and alone. things with garrett arent going like i would like them to. he just doesnt seem to understand or just doesnt care that i'm going through alot right now. i guess maybe thats cuz i try to hide it from him. and thats completely my fault. but i dont want him to know that i'm still confused about everything. i mean i LOVE/LOVED stevie, but i just dont know how to be with her. i cant trust her with my heart like i want to so badly. so i'm stuck. i care about garret yes, but do i love him like i did stevie? not even close. i dont think anyone will come anywhere close to how much i cared about her. but i guess none of that really matters anymore since she wont even speak to me. i have to go do my homework now.
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