(no subject)
last night i learned the hard way, the good way, maybe the not so ethical way, that we process our own reactive trauma (to our loved ones' trauma) at their expense. i thank my friend for whom i cried all the way home, loud, helplessly, embarrassingly, for being kind and telling me to go home and not be in her face while she was trying to work through her shit. i meant to help, i thought, i meant to listen and be present for her in her trials, but really i was wanting to work through my own resonant pain at my own similar experience. my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, but my heart is full of wonder and love for her. what amazing women i know!
also: i sent this to a friend this morning: I wish you could come out and meet my advisor (again) and all the lovely people that populate my little crap town. You'd be able to track, in some way, the conditions of production of this thing that is the beginning of my life's work. i think this is the truest thing i have written of late about my desires. i recently fung shui'd the hell out of my studio, and tidied up the bottom right corner of the room, the corner of chien - helpful friends, travel, the masculine, the father (oy) - and since then, i have been getting nothing but help. my friend j, the biggest theory badass among all the department's graduate students, with whom i once went on a disastrous date, just offered to help me think through the whole spivak issue in my last chapter, and i'm taking her up on it. goddamn. it is my desire to offer my experience up to those who have helped me. it's not important that they accept; to quote another helpful friend, it's no big deal. it IS important that i abide in these feelings of abundance.
also: i am so rocking out to astral weeks right now.
also: i sent this to a friend this morning: I wish you could come out and meet my advisor (again) and all the lovely people that populate my little crap town. You'd be able to track, in some way, the conditions of production of this thing that is the beginning of my life's work. i think this is the truest thing i have written of late about my desires. i recently fung shui'd the hell out of my studio, and tidied up the bottom right corner of the room, the corner of chien - helpful friends, travel, the masculine, the father (oy) - and since then, i have been getting nothing but help. my friend j, the biggest theory badass among all the department's graduate students, with whom i once went on a disastrous date, just offered to help me think through the whole spivak issue in my last chapter, and i'm taking her up on it. goddamn. it is my desire to offer my experience up to those who have helped me. it's not important that they accept; to quote another helpful friend, it's no big deal. it IS important that i abide in these feelings of abundance.
also: i am so rocking out to astral weeks right now.