Divorce: not pretty, not at all.
Good afternoon kinsmen.
It is done. Sort of. I met with the former Mr A on Saturday and told him face to face that I am moving on, getting a mediator and filing for divorce. It was a very difficult thing to do. But HE wasn't going to do it. His first reaction? "What do you want?" Not, "I can't believe it's come to this," or "It's so sad, but necessary," no... he wanted to know what I was going to try to take from him monetarily.
We were in a restaurant but I flipped out. I have issues - as you know - with feeling worthless, feeling unloved, and so on (see like, every post ever). I'm working on it. But that reaction really floored me. I said "I don't WANT anything, but I want to NOT be economically worse off than I am now." I don't want alimony unless it's advised by the mediator, I don't want to detract from his success. But I did set him up in his career, supported him for years, my family supported him for years, he is now a citizen of the US, and so on. I'm not trying to make a case here -- try not to argue with me please -- but I want to split easily and amicably and yet not make things much worse for myself since I AM basically unemployed and struggling and he is not. (Except he feels he is struggling because he thinks he is cursed, and is self-involved).
I said "what I really want is for you to have paid attention to our marriage and agreed to work in it." He said "what's done is done, what do you want?" Forcing me to feel as if I needed to give him a dollar number or something. Which wasn't the POINT. I had to repeat that all I intended to do was inform him in person that I was moving ahead with this. Oh boy, I lost my shit, was crying in the restaurant, trying not to shout -- poor waitstaff, so embarrassing.
He said "let's go get a drink." So we sat at a bar while he said nothing and we drank a million whiskeys. It's really the only way he can deal at all with anything. He has to be drunk. I swore I wasn't going to drink, was NOT going to sit at a bar and get drunk and weepy and I did anyway. I suck. He did apologize for his reaction. And he meant it. Then he talked about how he is his own worst enemy, he is cursed and this is just the way it is. (Um, okay if that's what you think, it certainly takes away any responsibility for your actions).
We stopped by his place - which is actually my best friend's place that he is renting. It's really nice, so hey, good for him. I cried some more, it was truly, actually, really painful. Then I left and curled into a ball on the subway for the entire ride home.
Two days later I still feel exhausted. Wrung out. My therapist (Dr K) reminds me that I'm going through a lot and it will be up and down. SIIIIIGH.
Mr A's US citizenship ceremony is Wednesday and I'll be in attendance - I've been supporting him in this pursuit and waiting for this "happy" day. Plus no one else is going to be there for him. His family will appreciate the pictures.
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)
It is done. Sort of. I met with the former Mr A on Saturday and told him face to face that I am moving on, getting a mediator and filing for divorce. It was a very difficult thing to do. But HE wasn't going to do it. His first reaction? "What do you want?" Not, "I can't believe it's come to this," or "It's so sad, but necessary," no... he wanted to know what I was going to try to take from him monetarily.
We were in a restaurant but I flipped out. I have issues - as you know - with feeling worthless, feeling unloved, and so on (see like, every post ever). I'm working on it. But that reaction really floored me. I said "I don't WANT anything, but I want to NOT be economically worse off than I am now." I don't want alimony unless it's advised by the mediator, I don't want to detract from his success. But I did set him up in his career, supported him for years, my family supported him for years, he is now a citizen of the US, and so on. I'm not trying to make a case here -- try not to argue with me please -- but I want to split easily and amicably and yet not make things much worse for myself since I AM basically unemployed and struggling and he is not. (Except he feels he is struggling because he thinks he is cursed, and is self-involved).
I said "what I really want is for you to have paid attention to our marriage and agreed to work in it." He said "what's done is done, what do you want?" Forcing me to feel as if I needed to give him a dollar number or something. Which wasn't the POINT. I had to repeat that all I intended to do was inform him in person that I was moving ahead with this. Oh boy, I lost my shit, was crying in the restaurant, trying not to shout -- poor waitstaff, so embarrassing.
He said "let's go get a drink." So we sat at a bar while he said nothing and we drank a million whiskeys. It's really the only way he can deal at all with anything. He has to be drunk. I swore I wasn't going to drink, was NOT going to sit at a bar and get drunk and weepy and I did anyway. I suck. He did apologize for his reaction. And he meant it. Then he talked about how he is his own worst enemy, he is cursed and this is just the way it is. (Um, okay if that's what you think, it certainly takes away any responsibility for your actions).
We stopped by his place - which is actually my best friend's place that he is renting. It's really nice, so hey, good for him. I cried some more, it was truly, actually, really painful. Then I left and curled into a ball on the subway for the entire ride home.
Two days later I still feel exhausted. Wrung out. My therapist (Dr K) reminds me that I'm going through a lot and it will be up and down. SIIIIIGH.
Mr A's US citizenship ceremony is Wednesday and I'll be in attendance - I've been supporting him in this pursuit and waiting for this "happy" day. Plus no one else is going to be there for him. His family will appreciate the pictures.
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)