More personal bananas shit about love life which is boring.
I know my last post was full of angst, heartbreak and regret (and even more stuff), and I'm not even going to read it. The last few weeks have been full of angst, heartbreak and some relative optimism as I did end up talking to The Brit and we agreed to continue to be in one another's lives, etc. etc. and he said "don't worry, it will take time, but we will work everything out, you know I really, truly care about you."
Weeks of texting, some relief from the heartache... and last week we said "hey, let's text whatever we feel like or are feeling, and see how it goes for one week." I thought it was fine -- or at least, ok. I was mad at myself for perking up every time I got a text from him, and I continued to do what I knew I should NOT do -- helping him with his homework. Editing his papers, giving him courage and confidence on tough assignments, swooning over his selfies and lack of shaving for Movember. Not flirting, because that seems to be dangerous territory for him, and yet saying what I feel even if he doesn't respond in the same way.
He's coming through New York twice when he has his break - he said he'd "obviously" keep me apprised of his plans and the dates, but didn't say specifically that he wanted to see me, so HI mixed signals.
Then last night I scrolled through old OKCupid messages and saw that his profile was active again and I kind of lost it. I thought he was too busy with school, and wanted to be open to new friends there, and had difficulty with long-distance (though we aren't that far apart) but seeing that just made me realize he intends to do more than get his shit together, he's going to actively seek either instant gratification or a new girlfriend. And I am just a friend, perhaps, or obviously just not a priority.
I called him on it, he was upset. Not as upset as I was. The usual "I thought things were clear," which annoys me since HELLO you're a man, things are never clear because you can't articulate them. And yes in one sense they are clear, but in *another* they aren't really clear because he texts me every day as he always has.
I asked "what do you want from me." That's the crux of it. I told him "I can't be your friend." Because I can't! No can do, soldier. And I'm not going to be your NYC fuck buddy (to be crude), or your support system when you need it, or your homework helper... without some idea that we are more to each other. Because that's what I want. He can't just take and take and not expect that it's going to get complicated.
So I've been naive, I know. But I am REALLY trying hard not to beat myself up over it, because when you love someone, you believe what they say, then try to be patient with the confusion and mixed signals. Since we *met* on OKC, it was just really hard to see his face pop up in that circle -- and I am NOT going to look at his profile (he said, "if you've seen my profile, it says I'm not looking for anything serious" and I am thinking 'oh yeah, that helps A LOT.')
So. Here we are. He said we shouldn't make any decisions last night when I was blubbering on the phone. (God, I loathe myself). So I guess we are going to talk again, but I think unless he comes up with something really amazing, I have to cut off communication. He will act like he thinks it's best - probably pretend it's his idea - and so on. But I know (think) that it's gonna hurt him more than it will hurt me because I've been his connection and lifeline for so long. It will be painful for the rest of the year, maybe a bit longer, but I have a massive support system (HELLO I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU GUYS TOO), and eventually I'll feel better.
Eventually I'll feel better.
In other news, I've decided that a year is long enough for my soon-to-be ex-husband to get his shit together or say what he wants to *do* with our marriage, so I'm going to initiate the divorce after Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays, I'm getting divorced. Oh, and taking a chunk of alimony with me.
Eventually I'll feel better.
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)
Weeks of texting, some relief from the heartache... and last week we said "hey, let's text whatever we feel like or are feeling, and see how it goes for one week." I thought it was fine -- or at least, ok. I was mad at myself for perking up every time I got a text from him, and I continued to do what I knew I should NOT do -- helping him with his homework. Editing his papers, giving him courage and confidence on tough assignments, swooning over his selfies and lack of shaving for Movember. Not flirting, because that seems to be dangerous territory for him, and yet saying what I feel even if he doesn't respond in the same way.
He's coming through New York twice when he has his break - he said he'd "obviously" keep me apprised of his plans and the dates, but didn't say specifically that he wanted to see me, so HI mixed signals.
Then last night I scrolled through old OKCupid messages and saw that his profile was active again and I kind of lost it. I thought he was too busy with school, and wanted to be open to new friends there, and had difficulty with long-distance (though we aren't that far apart) but seeing that just made me realize he intends to do more than get his shit together, he's going to actively seek either instant gratification or a new girlfriend. And I am just a friend, perhaps, or obviously just not a priority.
I called him on it, he was upset. Not as upset as I was. The usual "I thought things were clear," which annoys me since HELLO you're a man, things are never clear because you can't articulate them. And yes in one sense they are clear, but in *another* they aren't really clear because he texts me every day as he always has.
I asked "what do you want from me." That's the crux of it. I told him "I can't be your friend." Because I can't! No can do, soldier. And I'm not going to be your NYC fuck buddy (to be crude), or your support system when you need it, or your homework helper... without some idea that we are more to each other. Because that's what I want. He can't just take and take and not expect that it's going to get complicated.
So I've been naive, I know. But I am REALLY trying hard not to beat myself up over it, because when you love someone, you believe what they say, then try to be patient with the confusion and mixed signals. Since we *met* on OKC, it was just really hard to see his face pop up in that circle -- and I am NOT going to look at his profile (he said, "if you've seen my profile, it says I'm not looking for anything serious" and I am thinking 'oh yeah, that helps A LOT.')
So. Here we are. He said we shouldn't make any decisions last night when I was blubbering on the phone. (God, I loathe myself). So I guess we are going to talk again, but I think unless he comes up with something really amazing, I have to cut off communication. He will act like he thinks it's best - probably pretend it's his idea - and so on. But I know (think) that it's gonna hurt him more than it will hurt me because I've been his connection and lifeline for so long. It will be painful for the rest of the year, maybe a bit longer, but I have a massive support system (HELLO I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU GUYS TOO), and eventually I'll feel better.
Eventually I'll feel better.
In other news, I've decided that a year is long enough for my soon-to-be ex-husband to get his shit together or say what he wants to *do* with our marriage, so I'm going to initiate the divorce after Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays, I'm getting divorced. Oh, and taking a chunk of alimony with me.
Eventually I'll feel better.
If you wanted to,you could read this entry on Dreamwidth too, friend me there, or you know, bake a cake. Whatever you like. (
comments)