Personal Update, ahoy!
I don't want too much time to pass without updating LJ because otherwise it will just go on and on and I'll feel like it's too much to update and I won't want to do it. (Okay, good, we've got that out of the way.)
Hm. Where do I begin? Separation still a go, still no word or movement from the "other party." The occasional text, "hey how are you" but nothing else. I don't even know if I'm supposed to initiate any texts myself, but I certainly don't feel up to pushing for the communicative engagement I assumed we were going to have during the separation because.. well, I said it's what I wanted and he was always too busy, so I think it's up to him to make the moves, if he wants to do that. But as he says, he's very busy. I'm trying not to take it personally. Within reason, of course, because it's a ten-year marriage, it's all pretty personal.
I joined OKCupid for no real reason - I guess to see what it would be like. An amusing time suck, no doubt. Plenty of idiocy. One nice man (British!) I've been in communication with, but am not ready to meet. A friend of a friend zeroed in on me at a party last weekend and put me off men with extreme prejudice. I allowed a certain amount of liberties since I was lonely, drunk and angry at life, but it wasn't the first time I've had to literally tell a man to 'please, please stop talking because you aren't doing yourself any favors'. Some day I'll have to make a list of some of the insane things men say when trying to get into one's pants, things that are just so profoundly awful and downright insulting. It's like they don't even WANT to get laid, and I don't feel at all bad about any of my behavior, nor sprinting from them to a taxi.
On the apartment front, the management company refused to engage with my lawyer and confirm that the apartment is now perfection in a one-bedroom and essentially cat-free. I kept my two seniors who would not survive any kind of stressful move or time in a cage. This week I also learned that one of them, Miss Julie, has mammary tumors and she will have to undergo surgery very soon. My other oldie, Max, is still hanging in at 17, but gets progressively weaker. I'm grateful for every purry snooze in my face each night, especially now that there's so much fewer doing the actual snoozing.
Last night, five of my cats came back to the apartment as their temporary space was reoccupied by a human (a woman's son was overseas and they lived in his room for a few weeks, now he's back). I have to temporarily re-home them pronto, because my lawyer said the apartment must be just as she saw it the other day (when she declared it perfection), until I go to court in March. I had a tiny breakdown over the idea that I have two more months of hell before I have to defend myself in court, and during that time my cats will be living with other people, or shuttled around, and I will be stressing over every dust mote that lands in this apartment. *freaking* *panicking* *sad*
^^^ If anyone lives in the NYC area and wants two-month custody of a cat or pair of cats, do let me know. They are great cats, and I most definitely want them back. They are extremely healthy. ^^^
Let's look at one positive development, because otherwise this is too depressing for words, although I have many words, obviously. Some of the cats I was fostering were put on the emergency front within my rescue organization and have either a) - found great homes of their own or b) - found temporary fostering in much better situations than mine. I get teary-eyed just thinking of how some of this has worked out so well for them. Missing so many at one time is really hard - there are many tears and a lot of heartache - but knowing that at least these few are okay and moving on and being loved.. is priceless. For some others ~ things aren't going so well. Some of my former fosters are having a really hard time since they didn't have a particular home to go to. My heart is breaking for them.
I tried to start working again today and it caused so much anxiety I thought I would throw up. So that went well. As in, it went well because I tried. If I try again tomorrow, maybe I won't even want to throw up, who knows?
I owe a few of you emails, phone calls and such... I am aware and <3 you for being patient with me. Some fangirls cheered me up the other night by making me watch Flowers in the Attic and drink Lambrusco. The trauma made me forget about my problems for a while! MY EYES!
Hm. Where do I begin? Separation still a go, still no word or movement from the "other party." The occasional text, "hey how are you" but nothing else. I don't even know if I'm supposed to initiate any texts myself, but I certainly don't feel up to pushing for the communicative engagement I assumed we were going to have during the separation because.. well, I said it's what I wanted and he was always too busy, so I think it's up to him to make the moves, if he wants to do that. But as he says, he's very busy. I'm trying not to take it personally. Within reason, of course, because it's a ten-year marriage, it's all pretty personal.
I joined OKCupid for no real reason - I guess to see what it would be like. An amusing time suck, no doubt. Plenty of idiocy. One nice man (British!) I've been in communication with, but am not ready to meet. A friend of a friend zeroed in on me at a party last weekend and put me off men with extreme prejudice. I allowed a certain amount of liberties since I was lonely, drunk and angry at life, but it wasn't the first time I've had to literally tell a man to 'please, please stop talking because you aren't doing yourself any favors'. Some day I'll have to make a list of some of the insane things men say when trying to get into one's pants, things that are just so profoundly awful and downright insulting. It's like they don't even WANT to get laid, and I don't feel at all bad about any of my behavior, nor sprinting from them to a taxi.
On the apartment front, the management company refused to engage with my lawyer and confirm that the apartment is now perfection in a one-bedroom and essentially cat-free. I kept my two seniors who would not survive any kind of stressful move or time in a cage. This week I also learned that one of them, Miss Julie, has mammary tumors and she will have to undergo surgery very soon. My other oldie, Max, is still hanging in at 17, but gets progressively weaker. I'm grateful for every purry snooze in my face each night, especially now that there's so much fewer doing the actual snoozing.
Last night, five of my cats came back to the apartment as their temporary space was reoccupied by a human (a woman's son was overseas and they lived in his room for a few weeks, now he's back). I have to temporarily re-home them pronto, because my lawyer said the apartment must be just as she saw it the other day (when she declared it perfection), until I go to court in March. I had a tiny breakdown over the idea that I have two more months of hell before I have to defend myself in court, and during that time my cats will be living with other people, or shuttled around, and I will be stressing over every dust mote that lands in this apartment. *freaking* *panicking* *sad*
^^^ If anyone lives in the NYC area and wants two-month custody of a cat or pair of cats, do let me know. They are great cats, and I most definitely want them back. They are extremely healthy. ^^^
Let's look at one positive development, because otherwise this is too depressing for words, although I have many words, obviously. Some of the cats I was fostering were put on the emergency front within my rescue organization and have either a) - found great homes of their own or b) - found temporary fostering in much better situations than mine. I get teary-eyed just thinking of how some of this has worked out so well for them. Missing so many at one time is really hard - there are many tears and a lot of heartache - but knowing that at least these few are okay and moving on and being loved.. is priceless. For some others ~ things aren't going so well. Some of my former fosters are having a really hard time since they didn't have a particular home to go to. My heart is breaking for them.
I tried to start working again today and it caused so much anxiety I thought I would throw up. So that went well. As in, it went well because I tried. If I try again tomorrow, maybe I won't even want to throw up, who knows?
I owe a few of you emails, phone calls and such... I am aware and <3 you for being patient with me. Some fangirls cheered me up the other night by making me watch Flowers in the Attic and drink Lambrusco. The trauma made me forget about my problems for a while! MY EYES!