If I'm not part of the solution then I am the problem.
I was taking minutes in this meeting yesterday with all the Big Wigs and as per usual, I could not stay awake. I am allergic to meetings, seriously. I'm looking at my notes and at one point I wrote this:
SAETHE CHIEL DM
What does it mean?
Wow, I'm feeling down, so I'm going to do that thing where I try to communicate my feelings and use LJ as "talk therapy". Etc. Ready, go.
I was having drinks with my good friend AR and a bunch of her friends last week. She moved from NYC to Tampa and was in town for a bit, so we all gathered to catch up and hear how the culture shock was going. She said at one point that she felt that something was missing from her life. That she had this nagging feeling that it was all for nothing, that she was unfulfilled, but that she didn't know what she wanted, but that it wasn't THIS, whatever THIS is. She said she'd been given every opportunity in life, there was no reason not to be successful, or even happy, but...
I sat there in shock because those words might have been mine. We are always quite simpatico on a number of things, although she will usually piss my off by saying "but you're married so it's different," which doesn't address the issue at all. If marriage is supposed to solve this emptiness, they why doesn't it?
[Quick example of the isolation I often feel: today I ran into my husband on the train as we were going to work at the same time, but didn't leave the house together. He asked what I was doing this weekend and when I said I was meeting people to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, he tried to repeat it in a puzzled manner. He doesn't know what it is, doesn't remember the whole Gary Oldman thing from last week. It's no big deal, but I just didn't have the energy to explain what the movie is and why I'm in a tizzy to see it.]
Anyway. Back to this idea that we've fallen short. I get why AR and I feel that way - we're in our 40's and she's unmarried and I'm practically unemployed and definitely unemployable. I'm getting stupider by the day, I swear. I used to feel I had TIME to get my act together and now I realize that the time has passed and I am further away from actual act-togetherness than ever before. I think I know what I want to do, but convincing someone to hire me, to take me seriously, to SUPPORT the dream, is another matter altogether. And I do live in a competitive, harsh city. This is certainly the place where a frumpy 42-year-old is invisible. Except to her friends! (Yay friends!)
I would love to have the part of me that wants more from life surgically removed. I would like it taken out along with the self-loathing and oh, other things that I don't need. And okay, while I'm under, fix some of these physical things I hate about myself. Then I'll skip out on the bill.
So yeah, brain's in the tank. Obsessing about Sherlock matters isn't helping either. Benedict looking so beautiful and happy? NOT HELPING. Go away, Benedict, you're just making matters worse.
SAETHE CHIEL DM
What does it mean?
Wow, I'm feeling down, so I'm going to do that thing where I try to communicate my feelings and use LJ as "talk therapy". Etc. Ready, go.
I was having drinks with my good friend AR and a bunch of her friends last week. She moved from NYC to Tampa and was in town for a bit, so we all gathered to catch up and hear how the culture shock was going. She said at one point that she felt that something was missing from her life. That she had this nagging feeling that it was all for nothing, that she was unfulfilled, but that she didn't know what she wanted, but that it wasn't THIS, whatever THIS is. She said she'd been given every opportunity in life, there was no reason not to be successful, or even happy, but...
I sat there in shock because those words might have been mine. We are always quite simpatico on a number of things, although she will usually piss my off by saying "but you're married so it's different," which doesn't address the issue at all. If marriage is supposed to solve this emptiness, they why doesn't it?
[Quick example of the isolation I often feel: today I ran into my husband on the train as we were going to work at the same time, but didn't leave the house together. He asked what I was doing this weekend and when I said I was meeting people to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, he tried to repeat it in a puzzled manner. He doesn't know what it is, doesn't remember the whole Gary Oldman thing from last week. It's no big deal, but I just didn't have the energy to explain what the movie is and why I'm in a tizzy to see it.]
Anyway. Back to this idea that we've fallen short. I get why AR and I feel that way - we're in our 40's and she's unmarried and I'm practically unemployed and definitely unemployable. I'm getting stupider by the day, I swear. I used to feel I had TIME to get my act together and now I realize that the time has passed and I am further away from actual act-togetherness than ever before. I think I know what I want to do, but convincing someone to hire me, to take me seriously, to SUPPORT the dream, is another matter altogether. And I do live in a competitive, harsh city. This is certainly the place where a frumpy 42-year-old is invisible. Except to her friends! (Yay friends!)
I would love to have the part of me that wants more from life surgically removed. I would like it taken out along with the self-loathing and oh, other things that I don't need. And okay, while I'm under, fix some of these physical things I hate about myself. Then I'll skip out on the bill.
So yeah, brain's in the tank. Obsessing about Sherlock matters isn't helping either. Benedict looking so beautiful and happy? NOT HELPING. Go away, Benedict, you're just making matters worse.