Ugh. I wanna write.
I miss writing so much. I miss being able to get my thoughts and hopes and fears and whatever else onto the screen and out of my fingers and head. I miss having a community, having people who understood (or else just listened). I miss having relatable problems instead of stupid ones that always feel life-or-deathly even though they're so, so trivial.
J and I took a few days off to go north to tend to, er, a personal matter for J. The trip itself was good, but it made everything feel so silly. It made *me* feel so silly.
We visited
sarken on the way up, and she and I spent 90% of dinner talking about nonprofit management and board issues and oversight and project management. Things I don't really have any experience with (except project management, anyway), but that just seem intuitive to me, like breathing. I felt so energized and excited and upset for legitimate reasons, not just because of the politics or the people (though those certainly come into play). I worry that I may have talked too much or been too know-it-all-y or that we bored/exhausted J, but I also can't let myself think about that, because the former, at least, wouldn't even have been a thought in my mind before a few years ago. Because so what if I was too know-it-all-y? There's nothing wrong with expressing opinions or sharing knowledge. But my fucked up workplace and fucked up team has made me feel so beat down, so inadequate, like such an outcast, that I can't even express opinions anymore without feeling neurotic about it for days afterwards.
I want to say more, but it's all jumbled and I can't bring myself to sort it out anymore right now. Maybe another time.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth -- read comments.
(Please comment there using OpenID.)
J and I took a few days off to go north to tend to, er, a personal matter for J. The trip itself was good, but it made everything feel so silly. It made *me* feel so silly.
We visited
sarken on the way up, and she and I spent 90% of dinner talking about nonprofit management and board issues and oversight and project management. Things I don't really have any experience with (except project management, anyway), but that just seem intuitive to me, like breathing. I felt so energized and excited and upset for legitimate reasons, not just because of the politics or the people (though those certainly come into play). I worry that I may have talked too much or been too know-it-all-y or that we bored/exhausted J, but I also can't let myself think about that, because the former, at least, wouldn't even have been a thought in my mind before a few years ago. Because so what if I was too know-it-all-y? There's nothing wrong with expressing opinions or sharing knowledge. But my fucked up workplace and fucked up team has made me feel so beat down, so inadequate, like such an outcast, that I can't even express opinions anymore without feeling neurotic about it for days afterwards.
I want to say more, but it's all jumbled and I can't bring myself to sort it out anymore right now. Maybe another time.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth -- read comments.
(Please comment there using OpenID.)