Fic: No Slap, No Tickle (RPF, Gen, PG-13)
Title: No Slap, No Tickle
Fandom: RPF
Pairing/Characters: Keith, Rachel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 701
Summary: Rachel confronts Keith about his recent weirdness.
Notes: Written for
talk_bingo for the prompt "having 'the talk'." Many thanks to
jamapanama for the encouragement and a much better pair of eyes than mine.
Disclaimer: All copyrighted material referred to are the properties of their respective owners. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. In other words: I mean no harm, please don't sue.
When she and Susan start talking about kids, Rachel subjects Keith to endless diatribes about how difficult it is to find donors, how expensive the insemination process is, how unfair it is that gay people have to figure this all out on their own while all straight people have to do is fuck -- and more often and enthusiastically than usual at that.
She can see the wheels turning, knows the day he realizes that this might be the only chance he'll get (though she's honestly not sure whether he's interested more in her or in being a dad). And when he starts dropping hints -- flirting a little more, touching them both more often, cracking jokes that're neither subtle nor really joking -- Rachel just laughs him off, sidestepping the issue with jokes about unconditional love ("Come on, Keith, like your ego needs the boost of a Mini-Me...") and estrogen levels ("I thought we decided that weaning yourself off the Pill would make the Cialis unnecessary?").
One afternoon, she clocks him as having kept his hand above her knee for a good fifteen minutes, and decides she's had enough.
"Keith, we have to talk."
He freezes. "Uh, we do?"
Rachel rolls her eyes at him as she picks up his hand and unceremoniously drops it onto his own lap. "I know what you're trying to do, sir, and it just won't work." She pointedly moves her gaze down between his legs before continuing. "I'm sorry, Keith. Junior's just too damn big."
She really wishes she had a camera so that she could rub that look in his face for all eternity. "Wha -- buh -- huh?!"
"I don't care how much of a pain in the ass this whole insemination thing is -- dude, I've slept at your house! I've seen you naked! That'd be a bigger pain, believe me."
She gets up and starts to pace, letting him gape at her for a while before continuing. "I mean, I've even been called a bit of a size queen in my day, but that thing? I'm amazed you've never poked an eye out." Stopping mid-stride, she turns to look at him suspiciously. "You haven't, have you?"
Keith sputters some more before snapping his mouth shut and taking a few deep breaths. "No, Rachel, I have never poked an eye out with -- with my -- " He shudders.
Rachel grins. "Glad to hear it. I mean, I don't know, some guys are into that sort of thing. I just wanted to be sure you weren't one of them."
He groans, dropping his head into his hands, and she squats down in front of him, finally letting herself chuckle. "Your words, bunny. Use your words."
Keith lifts his head just enough to give her the evil eye before letting it fall again and muttering something she can't understand.
"What's that?" She lifts his chin and waits for him to meet her eyes before gently continuing. "You're sorry you were such a guy about something that could've been a really nice thing for you to do? You're sorry that you couldn't let me use one of the few advantages to having a male best friend and just offer me your sperm?"
Rachel pushes herself back to her feet, walking over to the window and sighing. "I mean -- it's not like we would've said no if you'd offered to father our child." She turns back to him. "We were going to ask you, before you got so ridiculous about the whole thing."
She smiles to herself as Keith's eyes widen. "You -- you were?" He's across the room before she knows it, pulling her into a hug. "Rach, I'm so -- I'm sorry. I'd love to, if you'll still have me."
Rachel squeezes him back hard before pulling away. "Maybe. I mean, we should probably check with Junior to make sure he's okay with being used like that first." Turning to leave, she taps her lip thoughtfully before continuing. "And maybe we should come up with a better name for him, since he's a big boy now."
She laughs, not even waiting for the groan before heading back to her office.
Fandom: RPF
Pairing/Characters: Keith, Rachel
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 701
Summary: Rachel confronts Keith about his recent weirdness.
Notes: Written for
talk_bingo for the prompt "having 'the talk'." Many thanks to
jamapanama for the encouragement and a much better pair of eyes than mine.
Disclaimer: All copyrighted material referred to are the properties of their respective owners. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. In other words: I mean no harm, please don't sue.
When she and Susan start talking about kids, Rachel subjects Keith to endless diatribes about how difficult it is to find donors, how expensive the insemination process is, how unfair it is that gay people have to figure this all out on their own while all straight people have to do is fuck -- and more often and enthusiastically than usual at that.
She can see the wheels turning, knows the day he realizes that this might be the only chance he'll get (though she's honestly not sure whether he's interested more in her or in being a dad). And when he starts dropping hints -- flirting a little more, touching them both more often, cracking jokes that're neither subtle nor really joking -- Rachel just laughs him off, sidestepping the issue with jokes about unconditional love ("Come on, Keith, like your ego needs the boost of a Mini-Me...") and estrogen levels ("I thought we decided that weaning yourself off the Pill would make the Cialis unnecessary?").
One afternoon, she clocks him as having kept his hand above her knee for a good fifteen minutes, and decides she's had enough.
"Keith, we have to talk."
He freezes. "Uh, we do?"
Rachel rolls her eyes at him as she picks up his hand and unceremoniously drops it onto his own lap. "I know what you're trying to do, sir, and it just won't work." She pointedly moves her gaze down between his legs before continuing. "I'm sorry, Keith. Junior's just too damn big."
She really wishes she had a camera so that she could rub that look in his face for all eternity. "Wha -- buh -- huh?!"
"I don't care how much of a pain in the ass this whole insemination thing is -- dude, I've slept at your house! I've seen you naked! That'd be a bigger pain, believe me."
She gets up and starts to pace, letting him gape at her for a while before continuing. "I mean, I've even been called a bit of a size queen in my day, but that thing? I'm amazed you've never poked an eye out." Stopping mid-stride, she turns to look at him suspiciously. "You haven't, have you?"
Keith sputters some more before snapping his mouth shut and taking a few deep breaths. "No, Rachel, I have never poked an eye out with -- with my -- " He shudders.
Rachel grins. "Glad to hear it. I mean, I don't know, some guys are into that sort of thing. I just wanted to be sure you weren't one of them."
He groans, dropping his head into his hands, and she squats down in front of him, finally letting herself chuckle. "Your words, bunny. Use your words."
Keith lifts his head just enough to give her the evil eye before letting it fall again and muttering something she can't understand.
"What's that?" She lifts his chin and waits for him to meet her eyes before gently continuing. "You're sorry you were such a guy about something that could've been a really nice thing for you to do? You're sorry that you couldn't let me use one of the few advantages to having a male best friend and just offer me your sperm?"
Rachel pushes herself back to her feet, walking over to the window and sighing. "I mean -- it's not like we would've said no if you'd offered to father our child." She turns back to him. "We were going to ask you, before you got so ridiculous about the whole thing."
She smiles to herself as Keith's eyes widen. "You -- you were?" He's across the room before she knows it, pulling her into a hug. "Rach, I'm so -- I'm sorry. I'd love to, if you'll still have me."
Rachel squeezes him back hard before pulling away. "Maybe. I mean, we should probably check with Junior to make sure he's okay with being used like that first." Turning to leave, she taps her lip thoughtfully before continuing. "And maybe we should come up with a better name for him, since he's a big boy now."
She laughs, not even waiting for the groan before heading back to her office.