Okay, I'm going to get this out before I get any drunker.
There's been a shitton of real life shit lately that's been getting to me, and so, it seems necessary to purge before we carry on with our usual fangirling and other related musings.
Work has been this fucking insane rollercoaster of emotions. On the one hand, new kid is taking enough work off my plate that I can finally do some of the big picture, thinky stuff I've wanted to do for like, a year now. On the other, he's really not doing well at what he's doing, he's doing a half-assed job, and I'm really hesitant to give him actual Important things, because I take pride in my work and want everything we produce to be not shitty. So on the days when I get to do all the amazing stuff, I feel really great, and then the days when I get stuck cleaning up after him, I feel really shitty. So...yeah.
Everything else...well, okay. So I lost a friend this past week. (A week ago tonight, actually.) We had had, a few weeks ago, this heated discussion (fine, argument, whatever the fuck you wanna call it), and she got all offended and decided that maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. And so last week she flat-out asked me if I wanted to still be friends, and I was like, "you know, you can be really frustrating, and I'm not entirely sure, because I need someone who's supportive and cares about me and what's going on in my life, and you're not those things, and I don't know if you can be," and she was like, okay, I guess we're not friends anymore. And I was like...well, if that's the way you want it. I mean, I just needed a break, but if she wanted not to be friends anymore, who am I to force myself on her, you know? Then I thought we'd talked ourselves down from all or nothing to being acquaintances, being internet friends, whatever, but no. Tuesday? I got an email saying she'd unfriended me from LJ, and so I went looking around, and she'd unfriended me pretty much everywhere but Facebook, so I was like, you know, no. If we're not friends anymore, and you're not even gonna tell me before you go and do something like that, then just rip off the band-aid, do it everywhere. And so we had another conversation, and she was like, "well, you didn't seem to care about us not being friends anymore, so I figured you wouldn't care if I unfriended you..."
And so basically, all I wanna know is, when did not puking your emotions up all over the place mean you didn't have them? I've had a lot of people, over the years (especially my mother, but hey, you know, whatever), accuse me of being cold and heartless, and I don't fucking get it. You mean because I don't sit here, bitching about my life and crying all over the world, that I have no heart? Is that what you're saying? Because I don't think anyone wants to hear about how my heart is broken, because I like to mend myself BY myself, because I think it's safer to just sit in my own fucking little world and get through things alone, that means I don't have anything to get through? It means my heart doesn't break? It means I don't hurt? I mean, fuck, I'm still hurting over a breakup five years past. I'm still hurting over someone who was supposed to be helping me fix myself and then tore me to shreds over eight years ago. I'm still hurting over a girl who was totally screwed up and sucked me into her dysfunctional world before tiring of me and throwing me away just a few years ago. But so because I don't see any value in sitting here, specifically here, talking about it ad nauseum to people who are largely RL strangers and who don't know anything about that history, that means it doesn't actually exist?
I hate making posts like this, not because I know no one cares -- I like to think there's at least a few people out there who do, in fact, care about my emotional well-being (though maybe I'm fooling myself there, too? Who even knows anymore...) -- but because I feel like it puts people in a weird situation, and I don't want to do that. I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, and I'm not looking for any sort of reassurance or anything like that. And of course, of COURSE, I know I'm not completely innocent here, I know I probably did a ton of things wrong here that led to the end of things...but shit. I mean, I just genuinely do not understand why people think that I have no heart, that I have no emotions. Just because I largely keep my feelings to myself, doesn't mean they don't exist. Just because I don't spew hurt all over the universe, doesn't mean it's not there. Just because I didn't write fifteen journal entries whining about an endangered/lost friendship, doesn't mean I don't regret its loss. (I tried to find a way around this for months, and I repressed a whole lot of frustration and hurt for a long time because I didn't want to lose her. But, you know, things don't always work out the way you want. So.)
Everything else...I think I've unblocked everything else that was blocked. My schedule's been kicking my ass, not enough time for anything; I think I've pretty much worked out a balance now. I was having the hardest time writing just the introductory email for Columbia; I think that's pretty much done now. I was having a hard time writing *period*, for a long time; the PB unblocked me there (even if that dedication did lose me both a friendship and a full night's sleep). I was having a hard time not just running away and hiding from RL; I seem to be confronting it head-on now. So...yay?
Extra big ♥ to anyone/everyone who did get through this. I love you for reading, even the hard stuff, and especially for being my friend. :)
Work has been this fucking insane rollercoaster of emotions. On the one hand, new kid is taking enough work off my plate that I can finally do some of the big picture, thinky stuff I've wanted to do for like, a year now. On the other, he's really not doing well at what he's doing, he's doing a half-assed job, and I'm really hesitant to give him actual Important things, because I take pride in my work and want everything we produce to be not shitty. So on the days when I get to do all the amazing stuff, I feel really great, and then the days when I get stuck cleaning up after him, I feel really shitty. So...yeah.
Everything else...well, okay. So I lost a friend this past week. (A week ago tonight, actually.) We had had, a few weeks ago, this heated discussion (fine, argument, whatever the fuck you wanna call it), and she got all offended and decided that maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. And so last week she flat-out asked me if I wanted to still be friends, and I was like, "you know, you can be really frustrating, and I'm not entirely sure, because I need someone who's supportive and cares about me and what's going on in my life, and you're not those things, and I don't know if you can be," and she was like, okay, I guess we're not friends anymore. And I was like...well, if that's the way you want it. I mean, I just needed a break, but if she wanted not to be friends anymore, who am I to force myself on her, you know? Then I thought we'd talked ourselves down from all or nothing to being acquaintances, being internet friends, whatever, but no. Tuesday? I got an email saying she'd unfriended me from LJ, and so I went looking around, and she'd unfriended me pretty much everywhere but Facebook, so I was like, you know, no. If we're not friends anymore, and you're not even gonna tell me before you go and do something like that, then just rip off the band-aid, do it everywhere. And so we had another conversation, and she was like, "well, you didn't seem to care about us not being friends anymore, so I figured you wouldn't care if I unfriended you..."
And so basically, all I wanna know is, when did not puking your emotions up all over the place mean you didn't have them? I've had a lot of people, over the years (especially my mother, but hey, you know, whatever), accuse me of being cold and heartless, and I don't fucking get it. You mean because I don't sit here, bitching about my life and crying all over the world, that I have no heart? Is that what you're saying? Because I don't think anyone wants to hear about how my heart is broken, because I like to mend myself BY myself, because I think it's safer to just sit in my own fucking little world and get through things alone, that means I don't have anything to get through? It means my heart doesn't break? It means I don't hurt? I mean, fuck, I'm still hurting over a breakup five years past. I'm still hurting over someone who was supposed to be helping me fix myself and then tore me to shreds over eight years ago. I'm still hurting over a girl who was totally screwed up and sucked me into her dysfunctional world before tiring of me and throwing me away just a few years ago. But so because I don't see any value in sitting here, specifically here, talking about it ad nauseum to people who are largely RL strangers and who don't know anything about that history, that means it doesn't actually exist?
I hate making posts like this, not because I know no one cares -- I like to think there's at least a few people out there who do, in fact, care about my emotional well-being (though maybe I'm fooling myself there, too? Who even knows anymore...) -- but because I feel like it puts people in a weird situation, and I don't want to do that. I'm not looking for pity, or sympathy, and I'm not looking for any sort of reassurance or anything like that. And of course, of COURSE, I know I'm not completely innocent here, I know I probably did a ton of things wrong here that led to the end of things...but shit. I mean, I just genuinely do not understand why people think that I have no heart, that I have no emotions. Just because I largely keep my feelings to myself, doesn't mean they don't exist. Just because I don't spew hurt all over the universe, doesn't mean it's not there. Just because I didn't write fifteen journal entries whining about an endangered/lost friendship, doesn't mean I don't regret its loss. (I tried to find a way around this for months, and I repressed a whole lot of frustration and hurt for a long time because I didn't want to lose her. But, you know, things don't always work out the way you want. So.)
Everything else...I think I've unblocked everything else that was blocked. My schedule's been kicking my ass, not enough time for anything; I think I've pretty much worked out a balance now. I was having the hardest time writing just the introductory email for Columbia; I think that's pretty much done now. I was having a hard time writing *period*, for a long time; the PB unblocked me there (even if that dedication did lose me both a friendship and a full night's sleep). I was having a hard time not just running away and hiding from RL; I seem to be confronting it head-on now. So...yay?
Extra big ♥ to anyone/everyone who did get through this. I love you for reading, even the hard stuff, and especially for being my friend. :)