(emo logan strikes again. not in the entry. just next to it.)
so, today was father's day, and we celebrated in style. first, when breakfast with new daddy didn't work out, i ran out & bought a card (& gas & groceries, but who's counting...), which again led to me tearing up in the middle of the hallmark, albeit for different reasons than on mother's day. then, i came home and finally watched diggers, which made me fall madly in love with....well, pretty much the entire cast all over again. it's got paul rudd (probably my first and favoritest celebrity boyfriend, thank you clueless), maura tierney (yay, newsradio!), sarah paulson (<3), lauren ambrose, and a handful of other people, and it's just endearing & adorable, melancholy without being overwhelmingly so. oh, and did i mention that ken marino (of the state and wet hot american summer fame) wrote it? because he did. the thing about it is, it's kinda been growing on me all day. like, i watched it earlier, and i was easily distracted. i enjoyed it, but i was very like, "okay, that's done, what's next?" about it after. but then, i came home, and i was like, ".....*huh*." and now i almost want to watch it again like, right now. (which, after midnight when i've been exhausted all weekend? is totally saying something.)
so, anyway, father's day. after diggers, we went to dad's for dinner. we spent about a half hour watching golf when we arrived, which took me *way* back to sundays past, when we'd go to grandma & grandpa's and watch golf all afternoon. and then we headed out to dinner, which was *much* more than we'd hoped to spend, but was fun all the same, dad and drew were both talky and i just kinda sat back and enjoyed the ambiance. there was....positivity in the air, that hasn't been there in a long time. a lightness, the kind you don't realize was missing until suddenly it's back again and you say "....huh." and then we went back to dad's and pretty much left shortly thereafter.
and then as a sidenote followup, we got stuck in an *enormous* amount of traffic heading home (accident on the bridge, ugh), and as soon as the traffic stopped i put on "everybody hurts" and drew kept making up subtitles for the cars passing us. and they were AWESOME, i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. and then we stopped by mom's real quick and dropped off jimmy's present, and that was that.
i guess the point is, it's days like this that remind me of why i stick around. it's days like this that remind me that, in spite of all of our flaws (all of us, not just everyone else), i *do* still love the male half of my family. and that's not to say i don't love the rest of the female half; it's just that i tend to forget about the male half, because they're less frequently shoving themselves into my frame of reference. i love them, and i miss those who are gone (who are entirely from the male half), who have passed away, who have faded away, who are no longer recurring characters in my story. i've formed myself a separate family, a chosen family, but it's the ones i'm "stuck" with who still continue to have the greatest impact....even if only as ghosts and memories.
this has been a day of flashes. golf on the floor with the couch pillow under my chin. grace's apartment down the street from the playground. the playground itself. bubbles out front on the sidewalk. the keyboard.....the lotto machine.....cards. it's too much. it's too, too much for one day.
it's too much for me at all. i'm not *used* to memories. why doesn't my brain understand it? it's been *ages* since i had anything so fully formed as the golf memories....and it's not that i can place them, can know exactly where they're from, or if they're new memories my mind has pieced together from the real things. god, i can smell the hamper in the bathroom that i used to read on when i needed privacy. (it's not as gross as it sounds, please, believe me -- the bathroom was the only door that locked....) i remember the envelope in the kitchen cabinet where grandma would put my allowance. the mini marshmallows as a special treat, and the chex mix that no one's been able to get right since, no matter HOW hard they try, because either there's too much worcestershire sauce or there's not that smoky taste (which of course is literal becuase of how *everything* in that apartment was smoky, and i appear to have been the only one who LOVED it...). the jello and cool whip and the grilled cheese sandwiches loaded with butter and made only with white kraft singles (that, at least, we managed to figure out the recipe for.....even if it's still not the same either).
and i know, i KNOW, i'm boring you all (that is, if there's still anyone out there, and who the fuck knows anymore...), and i know that it's a lot of randomness, and my mind is making leaps that're completely incoherent. but for the love of god, it's been what, a year since grandma died? and the first mention anyone's made of her since was tonight when dad said *something* i don't even remember now, and confused the fuck out of me then. and it's not that i miss HER, which i know is probably the wrong thing to say, but it's that i miss THAT.....i miss that feeling of being young and feeling like your family was all okay. and i'm just suddenly stricken by this desperate need to know that my family is all okay, that this all means something and that everyone's going to still be here next year. and that nothing big, nothing momentous or significant, is going to ever change again. i just don't know if my fragile grip on reality can handle a change like that. every sunday used to belong to people who just aren't here anymore. and of course, that was forever ago, and of course, a lot of other things've changed in the meantime. but i'll be damned if i don't wish i still had a little piece of that stability, that tradition, that habit.
.....and i've tired myself out. done now. later, and promising more cheer & less introspection. (i really do promise.)
so, anyway, father's day. after diggers, we went to dad's for dinner. we spent about a half hour watching golf when we arrived, which took me *way* back to sundays past, when we'd go to grandma & grandpa's and watch golf all afternoon. and then we headed out to dinner, which was *much* more than we'd hoped to spend, but was fun all the same, dad and drew were both talky and i just kinda sat back and enjoyed the ambiance. there was....positivity in the air, that hasn't been there in a long time. a lightness, the kind you don't realize was missing until suddenly it's back again and you say "....huh." and then we went back to dad's and pretty much left shortly thereafter.
and then as a sidenote followup, we got stuck in an *enormous* amount of traffic heading home (accident on the bridge, ugh), and as soon as the traffic stopped i put on "everybody hurts" and drew kept making up subtitles for the cars passing us. and they were AWESOME, i don't think i stopped laughing the entire time. and then we stopped by mom's real quick and dropped off jimmy's present, and that was that.
i guess the point is, it's days like this that remind me of why i stick around. it's days like this that remind me that, in spite of all of our flaws (all of us, not just everyone else), i *do* still love the male half of my family. and that's not to say i don't love the rest of the female half; it's just that i tend to forget about the male half, because they're less frequently shoving themselves into my frame of reference. i love them, and i miss those who are gone (who are entirely from the male half), who have passed away, who have faded away, who are no longer recurring characters in my story. i've formed myself a separate family, a chosen family, but it's the ones i'm "stuck" with who still continue to have the greatest impact....even if only as ghosts and memories.
this has been a day of flashes. golf on the floor with the couch pillow under my chin. grace's apartment down the street from the playground. the playground itself. bubbles out front on the sidewalk. the keyboard.....the lotto machine.....cards. it's too much. it's too, too much for one day.
it's too much for me at all. i'm not *used* to memories. why doesn't my brain understand it? it's been *ages* since i had anything so fully formed as the golf memories....and it's not that i can place them, can know exactly where they're from, or if they're new memories my mind has pieced together from the real things. god, i can smell the hamper in the bathroom that i used to read on when i needed privacy. (it's not as gross as it sounds, please, believe me -- the bathroom was the only door that locked....) i remember the envelope in the kitchen cabinet where grandma would put my allowance. the mini marshmallows as a special treat, and the chex mix that no one's been able to get right since, no matter HOW hard they try, because either there's too much worcestershire sauce or there's not that smoky taste (which of course is literal becuase of how *everything* in that apartment was smoky, and i appear to have been the only one who LOVED it...). the jello and cool whip and the grilled cheese sandwiches loaded with butter and made only with white kraft singles (that, at least, we managed to figure out the recipe for.....even if it's still not the same either).
and i know, i KNOW, i'm boring you all (that is, if there's still anyone out there, and who the fuck knows anymore...), and i know that it's a lot of randomness, and my mind is making leaps that're completely incoherent. but for the love of god, it's been what, a year since grandma died? and the first mention anyone's made of her since was tonight when dad said *something* i don't even remember now, and confused the fuck out of me then. and it's not that i miss HER, which i know is probably the wrong thing to say, but it's that i miss THAT.....i miss that feeling of being young and feeling like your family was all okay. and i'm just suddenly stricken by this desperate need to know that my family is all okay, that this all means something and that everyone's going to still be here next year. and that nothing big, nothing momentous or significant, is going to ever change again. i just don't know if my fragile grip on reality can handle a change like that. every sunday used to belong to people who just aren't here anymore. and of course, that was forever ago, and of course, a lot of other things've changed in the meantime. but i'll be damned if i don't wish i still had a little piece of that stability, that tradition, that habit.
.....and i've tired myself out. done now. later, and promising more cheer & less introspection. (i really do promise.)