Friendship.
From watching movies and reading stories when I was little, I had an image of what friendship is like: My life will consist of friends and best friends. The way I see it, it's going to be one circle of best friends and then the rest of the world. But I was wrong. Having been on this earth for over 2 decades, I know that now. Life is never that simple. I thought I would find my best friends-which I met in middle school-and they would be the ones who know me best and I would feel most comfortable with them. Then everyone else I meet afterwards-except my life partner perhaps-was just formality; I'd have to meet them but they won't create an impact. Boy, was I wrong.
Since I was in grade school, I always stuck with one circle until graduation-unless when I had no circles at all. Then middle school came and I clicked with these girls and I didn't look for any other circles. It was so comfortable, why should I leave? Until, of course, they wanted me to because I was being a jerk. Then I started seeking other circles, joining different events and meeting new people. In hindsight, this created an entirely different middle school experience for me than my best friends. They often talk about these people they were all close with, but I wasn't even there. Instead, I was in a completely different circle. A couple, actually. And it was all fun and I loved it! We lost contact and grew apart but it meant something to me, although it doesn't concern my best friends in the slightest. That was my first sign.
You know what people say about living abroad, that you'll create bonds with other ex-pats and it could last forever? That's true. That's how I found my other circle of best friends. What's more, it includes my long-term boyfriend Firu. We have so many different inside jokes, we've traveled to many places together, worked a summer job together and shared our woes. I remember feeling lonely whenever I came home to an empty home after hanging out with them. They're the ones I share my first years of adult life with, trying to figure out how life works and who we are. And, although there are so many things I don't know about them or they don't know about me, they will always be bonded to me through this special connection. This feeling of having gained and lost the same things I have.
Sometimes I feel like I would of course be most comfortable, most true, when I'm with my middle school best friends. They were here first, they knew me when I was at my worst and they stuck with me. But...these days I'm afraid to be my whole self around them, although they probably don't judge. I just can't shake the feeling that I often don't fit in. They went to uni in this country. They knew all these people I don't. They played all these games I've never even heard of. And sometimes I just find myself not caring...
And then I go and hang out with my Germany best friends. My face is hot from all the laughing. All these foreign words I've been meaning to use, they get them. It's funny. We don't listen to the same songs. We hardly ever talk when we don't see each other. But we can always fall back to how we used to be when we were there. All these memories we've acquired, all this history. They mean something and I can always feel myself holding back tears at the thought. They remind me of a better life I once had when Firu was within arms-reach and we decided our own fate.
That is not to say that I've never felt like an outsider with them-I feel like that with EVERYONE-but all the history and inside jokes more than make up for it. Maybe I have been away from Indonesia too long is all. But they were like a piece of home for me.
Since I was in grade school, I always stuck with one circle until graduation-unless when I had no circles at all. Then middle school came and I clicked with these girls and I didn't look for any other circles. It was so comfortable, why should I leave? Until, of course, they wanted me to because I was being a jerk. Then I started seeking other circles, joining different events and meeting new people. In hindsight, this created an entirely different middle school experience for me than my best friends. They often talk about these people they were all close with, but I wasn't even there. Instead, I was in a completely different circle. A couple, actually. And it was all fun and I loved it! We lost contact and grew apart but it meant something to me, although it doesn't concern my best friends in the slightest. That was my first sign.
You know what people say about living abroad, that you'll create bonds with other ex-pats and it could last forever? That's true. That's how I found my other circle of best friends. What's more, it includes my long-term boyfriend Firu. We have so many different inside jokes, we've traveled to many places together, worked a summer job together and shared our woes. I remember feeling lonely whenever I came home to an empty home after hanging out with them. They're the ones I share my first years of adult life with, trying to figure out how life works and who we are. And, although there are so many things I don't know about them or they don't know about me, they will always be bonded to me through this special connection. This feeling of having gained and lost the same things I have.
Sometimes I feel like I would of course be most comfortable, most true, when I'm with my middle school best friends. They were here first, they knew me when I was at my worst and they stuck with me. But...these days I'm afraid to be my whole self around them, although they probably don't judge. I just can't shake the feeling that I often don't fit in. They went to uni in this country. They knew all these people I don't. They played all these games I've never even heard of. And sometimes I just find myself not caring...
And then I go and hang out with my Germany best friends. My face is hot from all the laughing. All these foreign words I've been meaning to use, they get them. It's funny. We don't listen to the same songs. We hardly ever talk when we don't see each other. But we can always fall back to how we used to be when we were there. All these memories we've acquired, all this history. They mean something and I can always feel myself holding back tears at the thought. They remind me of a better life I once had when Firu was within arms-reach and we decided our own fate.
That is not to say that I've never felt like an outsider with them-I feel like that with EVERYONE-but all the history and inside jokes more than make up for it. Maybe I have been away from Indonesia too long is all. But they were like a piece of home for me.