The Truth About My Best Friends
WARNING: This is all nothing short of the truth about how I feel about my best friends. So, if you're one of them, I suggest you brace yourself because I'm not censoring ANY of it. But you might want to read on because there are some sweet notions in there as well. Also, I know that at least one of you would be reading and if you are who I think you are, please refrain from reading this until after your graduation weekend so that it won't spoil your mood.
A little history: My best friends and I met when we were 12 years old, in 7th grade. That was around 10 years ago. Most of us were in the same classroom, the rest met us in our extracurricular activity. We had similar interests and that's how we became close, I guess. In 8th grade, my best friends couldn't stand me because, let's face it, I used to be such a blabber mouth (read: I couldn't keep their secrets or always use theirs against them) and they cast me aside. I won't play the victim here because I realise I was a really bitchy person - still am, probably. But in 9th grade we all made up and became friends again, thousands of inside jokes and millions of little secrets later - ones made without me. We've stayed friends ever since.
Fast forward to present day. It's 5-6 years after high school. Some of us have graduated/waiting for graduation, some of us still struggle with the final paper and some of us are still waiting for their first semester, despite having gone abroad for that very purpose. Despite all that, I still feel like that 9th grade kid who never fully understands where my friends are coming from. Why? Simple, because I'm always missing out. Before, I missed out on A WHOLE YEAR of inside jokes and secrets. Not too long ago, I missed out on THREE YEARS of that! Despite still keeping in contact and everything, I guess some things are "You had to be there!" type of jokes. Sometimes I think: "Maybe if I hadn't been cast aside, I would know." "Maybe if I hadn't gone to Germany, I would understand." "Maybe if I were a gamer, I wouldn't have to feel so stupefied." But all these maybes come down to one thing: Maybe I'm just frikkin' different! My best friends, they are all very different yet they somehow manage to like similar things and sometimes even similar people. I...don't. I never understand the things that they like. Sometimes I force myself to understand because nobody would understand anything that I like. I laugh at jokes I don't get, sing songs I don't know the words to and watch everything pass me by. Sometimes it's not even that we don't like similar things, sometimes we do, but either they're more passionate about it than I am or vice versa. And when that happens I just don't know how to feel. Maybe I'm the jerk who can't even pretend like I care...
Thing is...when I'm away I feel like I have 1001 things to tell you guys, people who should know me better than anyone. Sometimes when we're together I feel that. But sometimes I feel like I can't be honest with you guys. Because we all share the good stuff but why don't we share the awkward stuff too? At least I feel like with me you don't. Maybe I'm just being super ignorant and that's why I'm so lonely. There are probably 10,001 things you guys don't know about me right now, about who I've become. One of you wrote on the farewell sketchbook you gave me: "Whether you turn like this (pretty and vain) or this (slobby and weird), I'll still be your friend." There was a time when I would believe that without a doubt. Now, I'm not so sure.
Maybe it's that hard to keep being such close friends to strong, independent women, who don't have emotional roller coasters. I'm a wreck, at least once a month. Nobody in the world could stop that, probably. I need someone to reach out to me, to say they miss/want/need me, for me to feel like it's okay to keep on living. And I need to say that I miss/want/need people sometimes too. I'm not 100% sure of myself and when you guys said I shouldn't miss you, it tears at my insides sometimes because I needed to let you know. But saying that would mean acknowledging that I'm such a crybaby and not as strong a human being as you thought I was. What if you got disappointed in me? "Who's this weak little crybaby? I thought you were our friend!" But I am! I always have a selfish wish where you guys would turn to me one day and simply ask "so what's up?" so I can open the floodgates and tell you EVERYTHING! Things you want to know, things you don't. But sometimes...maybe I'm just asking for too much. Why can't I just out with it and confess all the things I'd wanted to tell you? Maybe you wouldn't care?
Maybe you're not even reading...
A little history: My best friends and I met when we were 12 years old, in 7th grade. That was around 10 years ago. Most of us were in the same classroom, the rest met us in our extracurricular activity. We had similar interests and that's how we became close, I guess. In 8th grade, my best friends couldn't stand me because, let's face it, I used to be such a blabber mouth (read: I couldn't keep their secrets or always use theirs against them) and they cast me aside. I won't play the victim here because I realise I was a really bitchy person - still am, probably. But in 9th grade we all made up and became friends again, thousands of inside jokes and millions of little secrets later - ones made without me. We've stayed friends ever since.
Fast forward to present day. It's 5-6 years after high school. Some of us have graduated/waiting for graduation, some of us still struggle with the final paper and some of us are still waiting for their first semester, despite having gone abroad for that very purpose. Despite all that, I still feel like that 9th grade kid who never fully understands where my friends are coming from. Why? Simple, because I'm always missing out. Before, I missed out on A WHOLE YEAR of inside jokes and secrets. Not too long ago, I missed out on THREE YEARS of that! Despite still keeping in contact and everything, I guess some things are "You had to be there!" type of jokes. Sometimes I think: "Maybe if I hadn't been cast aside, I would know." "Maybe if I hadn't gone to Germany, I would understand." "Maybe if I were a gamer, I wouldn't have to feel so stupefied." But all these maybes come down to one thing: Maybe I'm just frikkin' different! My best friends, they are all very different yet they somehow manage to like similar things and sometimes even similar people. I...don't. I never understand the things that they like. Sometimes I force myself to understand because nobody would understand anything that I like. I laugh at jokes I don't get, sing songs I don't know the words to and watch everything pass me by. Sometimes it's not even that we don't like similar things, sometimes we do, but either they're more passionate about it than I am or vice versa. And when that happens I just don't know how to feel. Maybe I'm the jerk who can't even pretend like I care...
Thing is...when I'm away I feel like I have 1001 things to tell you guys, people who should know me better than anyone. Sometimes when we're together I feel that. But sometimes I feel like I can't be honest with you guys. Because we all share the good stuff but why don't we share the awkward stuff too? At least I feel like with me you don't. Maybe I'm just being super ignorant and that's why I'm so lonely. There are probably 10,001 things you guys don't know about me right now, about who I've become. One of you wrote on the farewell sketchbook you gave me: "Whether you turn like this (pretty and vain) or this (slobby and weird), I'll still be your friend." There was a time when I would believe that without a doubt. Now, I'm not so sure.
Maybe it's that hard to keep being such close friends to strong, independent women, who don't have emotional roller coasters. I'm a wreck, at least once a month. Nobody in the world could stop that, probably. I need someone to reach out to me, to say they miss/want/need me, for me to feel like it's okay to keep on living. And I need to say that I miss/want/need people sometimes too. I'm not 100% sure of myself and when you guys said I shouldn't miss you, it tears at my insides sometimes because I needed to let you know. But saying that would mean acknowledging that I'm such a crybaby and not as strong a human being as you thought I was. What if you got disappointed in me? "Who's this weak little crybaby? I thought you were our friend!" But I am! I always have a selfish wish where you guys would turn to me one day and simply ask "so what's up?" so I can open the floodgates and tell you EVERYTHING! Things you want to know, things you don't. But sometimes...maybe I'm just asking for too much. Why can't I just out with it and confess all the things I'd wanted to tell you? Maybe you wouldn't care?
Maybe you're not even reading...