broken hearted ..
so im finally facing it.. he never loved me . and what he said to me was all lies i gave up my chances of havinf a good relationship with half of my family for nothing .. abnsolutley nothing. its been about 6 motnhs since ive seen him and 5 since ive talked to him . i called him the other day i gave into my weakness of missing him and i wanted to talk to him so bad. his mom answered the phone and i asked if he was there and she said he doesnt even live there anymore and she hasnt talked to him in months. so i call randy .. he talked to him last week and he told me where he lived i asked who he lived with and randy said " i dont remmeber HER name" my broken heart shattered into millions and millions of pieces. im normally such a strong person and ihave been but the smallest things get to me. anything.. i have a very sensative memory i remember the oddest things and it happens all the time. it just hurts me so much to think that everything i lived for close to 3 years was nothing but a lie and i know we were young and shit but i really love him . i always did and i always did. and i think he loved me. this one time when we were told by our parent we couldnt see each other beth took me by his house and he held me an dhe started to cry .. it was so sad. he cried it was so heartfelt. i dont think that was fake but for it to get thrown out the window. and now .. i am so lonely i went from being held whenever and hugs andkisses .to nothing nothing at fuckin all .. this fuckin journal is the closest thing to an emotional relationship . i have friends but i dont hang out with anyone because everyone already has someone to fill their time up either its a bf or a gf or other friends.. i feel so alone. and even though i have been alone before i have never felt this alone. and ihave my mom and my lil brother but its a diffrent kinda of alone. im a 19 year old loser with no liscense and no car.. barely a job . ihave no life i dont have fun . well i have fun with my mom but i dot really get to do things i would like to do . but i dunno . im starting to hate myself. i just wish i could change everything about me .. im trying to lose wieght and i died my hair. and i dunno . maybe if i get skinny i can be pretty and maybe .. i dunno .. i just dont know anymore. ive always been about being myself and everyone will love me for myself. but lately i just think im annoying to everyone i talk to so from now im not making any attempts to hang out with ne one.. or talk to anyone.. i hate myself.