So I watched DB:Evolution. My eyes. They... burn.
So, because arlo_arleh refused to watch it, pleading humanitarian rights, I went ahead and saw it with cattypatra and the other unfortunates who were somehow convinced to join in. The cinema was pretty much empty, which was a good thing considering we lolled our way through it. Loudly. (Except me of course since I still like the DBZ dubbed version of Freiza's old grandma voice).
I knew I was in for the kind of bacteria soaked, hepatitis ridden, eye scouring that only a American version of a beloved Japanese anime could wrought. And yet, I did it anyway.
GET ODDLY:
DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION: NOT ACTUALLY THAT BAD, BUT PRETTY MUCH AS BAD AS YOU'D EXPECT.
Y-yeah. I thought my issue would be mainly with the notion that EVERYONE WOULD BE WHITE AND AMERICAN, but after 5 minutes into the film it was actually pretty clear they weren't all Angelo. In fact, it pains me to admit that there were a substantial lot of Asian characters, just not Bulma and Goku. Everyone else, and it annoys me I have to state it in that way, but that's Hollywood for you - from dark skinned, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Green, had a good representative ratio. Unfortunately everyone was Very Very American.
I literally suffered a full body eyeroll at Goku's accent. Sadly the first of many.
See, this film works in such a weird level of meta-fiction. If you KNOW the original series with the blase attitude of having loved it to the depth of your being long enough to see it's many many flaws, it's actually on par with some of the admittedly terrible anime movies.
Which, if you can recall, had no specific line up with the time line, had truly random villains, the usual heroes making asses of themselves with some very horrendous dialogue including what can only be described as a *taunting buttslap* (Here's looking at you Trunks and Goten).
Which is to say, this movie is at the same level of stupid as much of the original canon.
But the problem is in this weird *averaging out*. Sure it's not as bad as SOME bits of the canon (Driving test filler episodes, 13 episodes for a 5 minute explosion anyone?) but unfortunately it doesn't also reach the bits where DB and DBZ was the breakthrough and astounding anime it's heralded as.
Part of the nobility of self sacrifice and exploration and adventure (and hell the COMEDY) was lost in the translation.
Piccolo killing Gohan in the movie as opposed to transformed!Goku killing Grandpa!Gohan makes story-sense, you can't have a movie without a catalyst for the hero, but then, they also removed a vital moment later when Goku could've come to the angsty realisation of what he had done accidentally, and overcoming that, and STILL realising he's happier being just Goku would've been more powerful. As it is, Goku returning to himself falls a little flat. The fact I know they made the change mostly so Goku can get his flirt on with a love interest makes me sort of annoyed.
The comedy? Um, Dragonball was downright dirty at times. Sure I know it might be sexist and offensive and not very PG, but having Roshi actually come on a LITTLE stronger to Bulma would've been hilarious in the right context. Instead he feels a little castrated. And I wouldn't mind if this movie featured the same lack-of-body-modesty anime!Goku had in live action Goku. It's the little things that make me happy.
Also where was his TAIL? I don't understand? IT DOESN'T COST THAT MUCH TO HAVE A CGI TAIL. Or to have ONE CHARACTER CHOP IT OFF. If Goku's great, FAITH IN HIMSELF spiel wasn't already LAMER THAN A PIANO KEY TIE, I would've let this go, but the story ROBBED HIM of his moment and by god, why not replace it with a nice, action moment of Yumcha or Bulma getting their glory and shooting his tail off?
Things I did like (surprising I know) but mostly for the lulz:
Goku. Surprisingly, but he was easily attachable as a protagonist and the sort of dull brained, simple kid I've always expected him to be.
Goku: I am Goku. I am Oozaru. In order to defeat you, I must be one with myself.
He brought so much ironic lol to me it was incalculable.
Yumcha. He wasn't the prettiest posey in the bunch, but he was dirty and the sort of ruffian that good Chinese mothers would warn their daughters away from because that sort of pockmarked face and dyed hair meant he was probably training to be in the triads and would therefore ruin your life with drugs and prostitution. His dialogue was spot on wishy washy Lad. The lack of fear for women was.... weird. Where was that? The character only HAS like, two traits and that was one of them. Huh.
James Marsters being the most hilarious Piccolo to ever grace Chikyuu with his pointy shoes and body suit. That last scene guys? Where some RANDOM ASIAN LADY COOKS SOUP. And then WALKS EVER SO SLOWLY INTO THE NEXT ROOM. And You as a viewer KNOWS WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, KNOWS IT. And yet, nothing prepares you for the moment when the lady peels back the blankets and the body language reads:
Asian lady: AWWW SWEET'UMS I HAVE SOUP FOR YOU. SAY AHHH
Piccolo: *turns with RETARDEDLY ANGRY FACE* SOUP?
D:< SOUUUPPPPPPPPPPP???????????? *ANGRY EYES*
I laughed my ass off. I mean you'd expect Piccolo to be what, sleep bleary or, comatose, or something, where the lady is unaware that this is an angry force set to destroy the earth. But no, He's awake. And he's been there for a while, and FUCKING PISSED OFF HIS WIFE WOKE HIM FOR FUCKING SOUP, WOMAN WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
Actually I think the idea is that He probably took the place of her husband by killing him or something, but considering his Henchlady for the film is never given a name or you know, motives for hanging around him, and the sheer loltacularness of him just hanging out with his other other girlfriend in tibet or something getting grumpy about soup made me laugh like I was dying. Seriously. What is this buttfuckery writers?
According to IMDB Master Roshi said: If I die, tell my turtle he's gay!
Um. He did? Why? Why???. I mean the IMPLICATIONS. Either he's been abusing that turtle for years and it's been enjoying it or... no it's messed up no matter how you look at it.
And of course what I call BIMBOTASTIC!Chichi where she was all:
Chichi: OH GOKU, YOU BEAT UP ALL OF MY FRIENDS, AND MY BOYFRIEND, AND MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIENDS... That's hot. Do me.
And the:
Chichi: Accomplish this impossible task of transferring raw energy from the environment into your palms to create FIRE OUT OF THIN AIR, and you will receive...
Goku: I get a boob grope because that IS why you're wearing that scandalously low cut top right?
Chichi: ...To step 5 times this way.
Goku: I... see.
And then she lost COUNT of how many more he had to go, when she made him step back.
All to mack on his face in ways that made me go... uh... PG guys? I would like to remove this hideous content from my innocent eyes plzkthx.
IMDB gives Piccolo's henchlady the name Mai, as in Mai from Red Ribbon Army, so okay... she WAS one of the original villains, and DID serve a snotty alien looking midget with no reward in sight so... she's... in... character?
What makes me the MOST ANGRY though, is that I will probably fucking watch a sequel if they announced it, if A) Vegeta was in it and B) if Vegeta was hot.
DAMN MY SHALLOW SOUL.
Because you know they will RUN LIKE WILDFIRE with the Vegeta x Bulma lovestory. And the Yumcha butthurt would be epic to watch in live action. Except it will just have a whole lot of sexual tension before it gets anywhere near that. And before that happens, probably a whole trilogy of movies for the Freiza Saga lolol.
But hey, if they can get Peter Jackson interested in doing that hilarious ode to overlong storytelling, I'm there.
What are your thoughts on this travesty guys?
I knew I was in for the kind of bacteria soaked, hepatitis ridden, eye scouring that only a American version of a beloved Japanese anime could wrought. And yet, I did it anyway.
GET ODDLY:
DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION: NOT ACTUALLY THAT BAD, BUT PRETTY MUCH AS BAD AS YOU'D EXPECT.
Y-yeah. I thought my issue would be mainly with the notion that EVERYONE WOULD BE WHITE AND AMERICAN, but after 5 minutes into the film it was actually pretty clear they weren't all Angelo. In fact, it pains me to admit that there were a substantial lot of Asian characters, just not Bulma and Goku. Everyone else, and it annoys me I have to state it in that way, but that's Hollywood for you - from dark skinned, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Green, had a good representative ratio. Unfortunately everyone was Very Very American.
I literally suffered a full body eyeroll at Goku's accent. Sadly the first of many.
See, this film works in such a weird level of meta-fiction. If you KNOW the original series with the blase attitude of having loved it to the depth of your being long enough to see it's many many flaws, it's actually on par with some of the admittedly terrible anime movies.
Which, if you can recall, had no specific line up with the time line, had truly random villains, the usual heroes making asses of themselves with some very horrendous dialogue including what can only be described as a *taunting buttslap* (Here's looking at you Trunks and Goten).
Which is to say, this movie is at the same level of stupid as much of the original canon.
But the problem is in this weird *averaging out*. Sure it's not as bad as SOME bits of the canon (Driving test filler episodes, 13 episodes for a 5 minute explosion anyone?) but unfortunately it doesn't also reach the bits where DB and DBZ was the breakthrough and astounding anime it's heralded as.
Part of the nobility of self sacrifice and exploration and adventure (and hell the COMEDY) was lost in the translation.
Piccolo killing Gohan in the movie as opposed to transformed!Goku killing Grandpa!Gohan makes story-sense, you can't have a movie without a catalyst for the hero, but then, they also removed a vital moment later when Goku could've come to the angsty realisation of what he had done accidentally, and overcoming that, and STILL realising he's happier being just Goku would've been more powerful. As it is, Goku returning to himself falls a little flat. The fact I know they made the change mostly so Goku can get his flirt on with a love interest makes me sort of annoyed.
The comedy? Um, Dragonball was downright dirty at times. Sure I know it might be sexist and offensive and not very PG, but having Roshi actually come on a LITTLE stronger to Bulma would've been hilarious in the right context. Instead he feels a little castrated. And I wouldn't mind if this movie featured the same lack-of-body-modesty anime!Goku had in live action Goku. It's the little things that make me happy.
Also where was his TAIL? I don't understand? IT DOESN'T COST THAT MUCH TO HAVE A CGI TAIL. Or to have ONE CHARACTER CHOP IT OFF. If Goku's great, FAITH IN HIMSELF spiel wasn't already LAMER THAN A PIANO KEY TIE, I would've let this go, but the story ROBBED HIM of his moment and by god, why not replace it with a nice, action moment of Yumcha or Bulma getting their glory and shooting his tail off?
Things I did like (surprising I know) but mostly for the lulz:
Goku. Surprisingly, but he was easily attachable as a protagonist and the sort of dull brained, simple kid I've always expected him to be.
Goku: I am Goku. I am Oozaru. In order to defeat you, I must be one with myself.
He brought so much ironic lol to me it was incalculable.
Yumcha. He wasn't the prettiest posey in the bunch, but he was dirty and the sort of ruffian that good Chinese mothers would warn their daughters away from because that sort of pockmarked face and dyed hair meant he was probably training to be in the triads and would therefore ruin your life with drugs and prostitution. His dialogue was spot on wishy washy Lad. The lack of fear for women was.... weird. Where was that? The character only HAS like, two traits and that was one of them. Huh.
James Marsters being the most hilarious Piccolo to ever grace Chikyuu with his pointy shoes and body suit. That last scene guys? Where some RANDOM ASIAN LADY COOKS SOUP. And then WALKS EVER SO SLOWLY INTO THE NEXT ROOM. And You as a viewer KNOWS WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, KNOWS IT. And yet, nothing prepares you for the moment when the lady peels back the blankets and the body language reads:
Asian lady: AWWW SWEET'UMS I HAVE SOUP FOR YOU. SAY AHHH
Piccolo: *turns with RETARDEDLY ANGRY FACE* SOUP?
D:< SOUUUPPPPPPPPPPP???????????? *ANGRY EYES*
I laughed my ass off. I mean you'd expect Piccolo to be what, sleep bleary or, comatose, or something, where the lady is unaware that this is an angry force set to destroy the earth. But no, He's awake. And he's been there for a while, and FUCKING PISSED OFF HIS WIFE WOKE HIM FOR FUCKING SOUP, WOMAN WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
Actually I think the idea is that He probably took the place of her husband by killing him or something, but considering his Henchlady for the film is never given a name or you know, motives for hanging around him, and the sheer loltacularness of him just hanging out with his other other girlfriend in tibet or something getting grumpy about soup made me laugh like I was dying. Seriously. What is this buttfuckery writers?
According to IMDB Master Roshi said: If I die, tell my turtle he's gay!
Um. He did? Why? Why???. I mean the IMPLICATIONS. Either he's been abusing that turtle for years and it's been enjoying it or... no it's messed up no matter how you look at it.
And of course what I call BIMBOTASTIC!Chichi where she was all:
Chichi: OH GOKU, YOU BEAT UP ALL OF MY FRIENDS, AND MY BOYFRIEND, AND MY BOYFRIEND'S FRIENDS... That's hot. Do me.
And the:
Chichi: Accomplish this impossible task of transferring raw energy from the environment into your palms to create FIRE OUT OF THIN AIR, and you will receive...
Goku: I get a boob grope because that IS why you're wearing that scandalously low cut top right?
Chichi: ...To step 5 times this way.
Goku: I... see.
And then she lost COUNT of how many more he had to go, when she made him step back.
All to mack on his face in ways that made me go... uh... PG guys? I would like to remove this hideous content from my innocent eyes plzkthx.
IMDB gives Piccolo's henchlady the name Mai, as in Mai from Red Ribbon Army, so okay... she WAS one of the original villains, and DID serve a snotty alien looking midget with no reward in sight so... she's... in... character?
What makes me the MOST ANGRY though, is that I will probably fucking watch a sequel if they announced it, if A) Vegeta was in it and B) if Vegeta was hot.
DAMN MY SHALLOW SOUL.
Because you know they will RUN LIKE WILDFIRE with the Vegeta x Bulma lovestory. And the Yumcha butthurt would be epic to watch in live action. Except it will just have a whole lot of sexual tension before it gets anywhere near that. And before that happens, probably a whole trilogy of movies for the Freiza Saga lolol.
But hey, if they can get Peter Jackson interested in doing that hilarious ode to overlong storytelling, I'm there.
What are your thoughts on this travesty guys?