so let's be honest for a second...
I miss Steven more than I can stand. When he found out that he was being stationed in Japan, he immediately asked me to go with him. I couldn't imagine simply droppin everything - my life, my friends, my lease, my degree, my "perfect wedding" - and going to Japan with him. So, I said "we'll wait until after I graduate."
Now everything inside of me is regretting this "smart" decision. I'm starting to wonder if I was simply taking the easy way out. Why didn't I go with him? It would have been hard. How could I tell my parents that I was bailing on the future that they were trying to provide me with? Who was I supposed to find to take over my lease? It deviated from my "four year plan" of University, a plan that had been laid out since before I was born. Why should I have to give up on my dream wedding? I'm now beginning to see that it was a selfish, cowardly decision I made.
But, that begs the question, when is it okay to be selfish?
Steven and I are planning to get married. Our future is entirely in our own hands. I love him, and I know that I love him. He loves me too, or else we wouldn't be engaged. He was really hurt that I didn't go with him to Japan. There was never a question of whether we would stay together or not, but the fact that I wouldn't drop my whole life for him really upset him and was a major point of contention for the months following. As far as "my future" is concerned, I can be as selfish as I need to be. However, now that "my future" has become "our future" the line gets muddy. Should I have left my life in America and followed Steven to Japan, trusting that he would take care of me and help me finish my degree? Was that an unreasonable request for him to make? Every angle I try to spin it from, just gets me even more confused. There is no clear answer, so I stick with what is easiest : following the plan.
Now that Steven has been away from me for almost 2 months (longer than we've been without each other since we started dating), I'm starting to regret that decision. I want to have him everyday. I want to wake up to the sound of him getting ready for work. I want to kiss him everyday when he gets home. I could continue my studies on the base, and probably will. We both know that we want to spend our lives together, so why am I putting it off? Why am I CHOOSING to spend a year away from him? Now, what is the easy path? It's not there. I feel like I'll make a huge mistake and lose out on the most amazing days of my life either way. I also feel like I'll let someone down either way. Do I want a final year of craziness with my sorority sisters, living in a house with some of my best friends, hanging out at frats, being an irresponsible college student, and living up to what my parents expect of me? Or do I want to spend that same year in Japan, a beautiful country, learning about the culture, supporting Steven as he goes through such a hard transition, playing "wifey", finishing my degree through online classes, but in the end, getting an early start on the life I will share with the man who makes me happier than I've ever been?
Steven tells me to do what will make me happy. He says to forget what my parents say, and what he says, and do what I think I will be happiest with. I know I'll be happy both places though, and I know I'll be miserable both places. How can I choose between my new life and my old one?
And what do you do when there's no "easy way out"?
Now everything inside of me is regretting this "smart" decision. I'm starting to wonder if I was simply taking the easy way out. Why didn't I go with him? It would have been hard. How could I tell my parents that I was bailing on the future that they were trying to provide me with? Who was I supposed to find to take over my lease? It deviated from my "four year plan" of University, a plan that had been laid out since before I was born. Why should I have to give up on my dream wedding? I'm now beginning to see that it was a selfish, cowardly decision I made.
But, that begs the question, when is it okay to be selfish?
Steven and I are planning to get married. Our future is entirely in our own hands. I love him, and I know that I love him. He loves me too, or else we wouldn't be engaged. He was really hurt that I didn't go with him to Japan. There was never a question of whether we would stay together or not, but the fact that I wouldn't drop my whole life for him really upset him and was a major point of contention for the months following. As far as "my future" is concerned, I can be as selfish as I need to be. However, now that "my future" has become "our future" the line gets muddy. Should I have left my life in America and followed Steven to Japan, trusting that he would take care of me and help me finish my degree? Was that an unreasonable request for him to make? Every angle I try to spin it from, just gets me even more confused. There is no clear answer, so I stick with what is easiest : following the plan.
Now that Steven has been away from me for almost 2 months (longer than we've been without each other since we started dating), I'm starting to regret that decision. I want to have him everyday. I want to wake up to the sound of him getting ready for work. I want to kiss him everyday when he gets home. I could continue my studies on the base, and probably will. We both know that we want to spend our lives together, so why am I putting it off? Why am I CHOOSING to spend a year away from him? Now, what is the easy path? It's not there. I feel like I'll make a huge mistake and lose out on the most amazing days of my life either way. I also feel like I'll let someone down either way. Do I want a final year of craziness with my sorority sisters, living in a house with some of my best friends, hanging out at frats, being an irresponsible college student, and living up to what my parents expect of me? Or do I want to spend that same year in Japan, a beautiful country, learning about the culture, supporting Steven as he goes through such a hard transition, playing "wifey", finishing my degree through online classes, but in the end, getting an early start on the life I will share with the man who makes me happier than I've ever been?
Steven tells me to do what will make me happy. He says to forget what my parents say, and what he says, and do what I think I will be happiest with. I know I'll be happy both places though, and I know I'll be miserable both places. How can I choose between my new life and my old one?
And what do you do when there's no "easy way out"?