(no subject)
I see so many beautiful girls. Everywhere. Good for them. I envy them though. I want so bad to have that double take effect. Some of them don't even know how pretty they are. Some of them feel like me and think they're so ugly or plain or boring and that they'll never get anyone's attention.
I've been trying trying to figure out why I want this so bad too. It isn't so much everyone looking at me, the positive attention. No. I want to be pretty enough that when I look in the mirror I'm truly happy with what I see. I doubt it will ever happen. So, I have to suffice with getting in shape after I have this baby. I want to be sexy so much. You know, stereotypically sexy. What the world thinks is sexy. Flat stomach, keep my big boobs, get some more booty somehow, curves, soft smooth skin. Be able to wear anything I want and only have to deal with things being too short because I'm so tall.
Why can't I just be happy with myself? I've worked so hard to get where I am with my self esteem and it's still terribly low. Higher than it's every been but I know it's still much lower than most. I'm sick of hating myself, hating my reflection, hating how clothes fit me...or don't for that matter.
Britney Spears looks great. She really does. Especially after everything she went through. I mean, she put herself through it but she really seems to be better for it. That's good. I hope she learned something from all that crap. Like I said, she seems to have, but appearances can be deceiving. I'd like to talk to her. I know that seems really stupid or weird but I think if I'm right about some things she and I would be able to relate and learn from each other. Still, yea, I don't care if it seems strange, get over it. My journal and random thoughts. I've always been a closet Britney fan :-)
I love Katy Perry. She's a doll. Kinda what she looks like one too. I really dig her voice.
I saw a picture of Davey Havok today on the myspace homepage. I didn't even recognize him. It was such a trip.
All I can think about today is sex. I've been wanting to take my hubby, Reed, to bed but he's so tired from working. 13.5 hours overtime this week. May not sound like too much but he's a painter and has to work in pretty rough conditions. Get's up at 3am, works from 4:30am-3:00pm monday through thursday. He had to work yesterday and today because the night crew, whom never pulls their weight anyway, is slacking since their foreman is gone for a week's vacation. So, day crew has to make up for it. It will be a nice fat check this friday but I miss him so much. It's hard, especially when I can hardly do anything but watch our little 1 1/2 year old. I'm SO tired of being in pain all the time. And I spend so much time thinking of everything I'm not and everything I wish I was. I want to stop that. I want to be happy with myself. Reed is, why can't I be?
And i'm still battling with cutting. I've been fighting the urge so much the last month and I know that if I had more long sleeved shirts I would do it. Dad said that he's scared I might make a mistake and cut too deep or hit a vein or something like that. He understands my cutting though. He doesn't like it or condone it but he understands. It's because he has such a self destructive side of him like me. I really must have picked that up from him. Not that it's his fault at all. I'm sure it's a combination of the negative things my parents have said about themselves for all the years when I was growing up. They're both wonderful, smart, capable and strong people but they have the worst opinion of themselves. It's because of their horrible upbringing. I had a good upbringing but because they feel that way about themselves it was projected to me that that is how you act toward yourself. Always beat yourself up because you know you could have done better, even if you get first place. It's never enough.
BLEH