"if anyone deserves a boyfriend, its you."
I dont know if i should be mad or if i should be flattered. I was hanging out with Old Best Friend today, and we were going to the mall so we could figure out what she could get Ex-Pants for christmas. Mainly I was there though because i wanted to update her on things with the Produce Guy. So, i pretty much just let it all out, i gushed, and i turned into a hormonal 14 year old again for a minute. I just told her everything that's been going on. She said she was really happy for me.
She said that before we hung out, she said that she was telling her mom that she was really excited to hang out with me because she was curious as to what i was going to tell her. Her mom, whom i've also known since i was in kindergarten, asked "Does she have a boyfriend!?!" and Old Best Friend told her she didn't know, but... "if anyone deserves a boyfriend, it's Alisa because she's the nicest person i've ever met, and her inner light is just so beautiful. She really deserves a boyfriend more than anyone i know."
I never know how to take those kinds of statements. Should i be really upset because people think i need a boyfriend, or should i be sad because, no guy has truely ever seen my "inner light", or should i be really flattered that my friends all think that i'm such a loving person? I dont know. I'm a little bit all of those.
I'm really scared though. i dont know how to get over my fear. Sometimes when Produce Guy comes over to the Bakery either to talk to someone else in the Bakery or to talk to the Starbucks girl, i just feel so overwhelmed that i'm going to burst. I just wish i wasn't like that. I wish i was more confident and less afraid. I just dont know what to do. I dont even know what i'm afraid of. I'm just afraid. I think i'm afraid of what could lie ahead. I'm afraid of what comes next. What do i do? I've never done anything of the sort before. I dont know how to date. I dont know how to kiss. I dont know how to create a good conversation. I dont know how to not feel completely overwhelmed whenever i'm next to him. I dont know how to be confident. I dont know any of it.
I remember having a dream one time, it involved an old crush of mine who i used to work with at HV, and he moved back to Texas with his girlfriend. While we were working together, i got the distinct feeling that he was kind of interested in me too... despite having a girlfriend. As of right now i couldn't tell you one way or another if it is true, but just things that he'd do, and things that people saw that i didn't see lead me to believe he was interested in me as well. Anyway, i had a dream that i was shopping with Ex-Best Friend at a Wal-Mart-like store, and he saw me, and his eyes just lit up. He rushed over to try to catch up with me, but I saw him too, and out of fear i tried to hide from him because i didn't know what else to do, so when he finally did catch up with me, i made sure to keep talking to Ex-Best Friend so that way he couldn't interrupt us, and finally Ex-Best Friend said something about being late for our appointment (i think it had something to do with a job... or something), and we got away without him saying anything to me. When i woke up i couldn't explain my reaction. I couldn't explain why i'd do that. I was interested in him too, but why did i try to hide from him? did that mean i was afraid of his intensity? did that mean i wasn't ready for dating? I didn't know. But i think it was because i was afraid of what was coming next. I was afraid of going forward. I have only known of guys not being interested in me, and i had never contemplated what would happen if one did become interested in me. It frightened me so bad.
How do you overcome that? I guess i'll just have to figure it out as it happens. I learned that i have confidence hidden within me when i dont have time to think about situations as they arise. Who knows what i'll do.
She said that before we hung out, she said that she was telling her mom that she was really excited to hang out with me because she was curious as to what i was going to tell her. Her mom, whom i've also known since i was in kindergarten, asked "Does she have a boyfriend!?!" and Old Best Friend told her she didn't know, but... "if anyone deserves a boyfriend, it's Alisa because she's the nicest person i've ever met, and her inner light is just so beautiful. She really deserves a boyfriend more than anyone i know."
I never know how to take those kinds of statements. Should i be really upset because people think i need a boyfriend, or should i be sad because, no guy has truely ever seen my "inner light", or should i be really flattered that my friends all think that i'm such a loving person? I dont know. I'm a little bit all of those.
I'm really scared though. i dont know how to get over my fear. Sometimes when Produce Guy comes over to the Bakery either to talk to someone else in the Bakery or to talk to the Starbucks girl, i just feel so overwhelmed that i'm going to burst. I just wish i wasn't like that. I wish i was more confident and less afraid. I just dont know what to do. I dont even know what i'm afraid of. I'm just afraid. I think i'm afraid of what could lie ahead. I'm afraid of what comes next. What do i do? I've never done anything of the sort before. I dont know how to date. I dont know how to kiss. I dont know how to create a good conversation. I dont know how to not feel completely overwhelmed whenever i'm next to him. I dont know how to be confident. I dont know any of it.
I remember having a dream one time, it involved an old crush of mine who i used to work with at HV, and he moved back to Texas with his girlfriend. While we were working together, i got the distinct feeling that he was kind of interested in me too... despite having a girlfriend. As of right now i couldn't tell you one way or another if it is true, but just things that he'd do, and things that people saw that i didn't see lead me to believe he was interested in me as well. Anyway, i had a dream that i was shopping with Ex-Best Friend at a Wal-Mart-like store, and he saw me, and his eyes just lit up. He rushed over to try to catch up with me, but I saw him too, and out of fear i tried to hide from him because i didn't know what else to do, so when he finally did catch up with me, i made sure to keep talking to Ex-Best Friend so that way he couldn't interrupt us, and finally Ex-Best Friend said something about being late for our appointment (i think it had something to do with a job... or something), and we got away without him saying anything to me. When i woke up i couldn't explain my reaction. I couldn't explain why i'd do that. I was interested in him too, but why did i try to hide from him? did that mean i was afraid of his intensity? did that mean i wasn't ready for dating? I didn't know. But i think it was because i was afraid of what was coming next. I was afraid of going forward. I have only known of guys not being interested in me, and i had never contemplated what would happen if one did become interested in me. It frightened me so bad.
How do you overcome that? I guess i'll just have to figure it out as it happens. I learned that i have confidence hidden within me when i dont have time to think about situations as they arise. Who knows what i'll do.