(no subject)
"... Do you ever think about me? Do you ever cry yourself to sleep? In the middle of the night when you awake, are you calling out for me? Do you ever reminisce? I can't believe I'm acting like this. I know it's crazy ... how I still can feel your kiss. It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you went away. I miss you so much and I don't know what to say. I should be over you, I should know better. But it's just not the case ..."
-Brian McKnight, "6, 8, 12"
Lauren had a mix CD in Yearbook today jam packed with sappy love songs, so, of course, I'm in the mood to listen to them when I get home. I bust out with my Brian McKnight. I forgot how beautiful a singer/writer/artist he is. And listening to these songs just makes me so incredibly depressed ... not just because of my love life (of which I have none thanks to me!) but just other things as well.
I don't think any of you understand what my life is doing to me right now. I feel so stretched out. I'm so tired, both physically and emotionally. I can't take any of this anymore. I need to get away from here ... so far away that I can forget everything that's happened because it's all too painful. And just knowing that soon I AM going to leave makes me upset too because I've made such great friends here and, once again, I'm going to have to leave you all behind, just like I have with all other friends I've made around the world.
I'm so tired, you guys. I'm tired of everything, of my family, sometimes of you, of life in general. It hurts so much, you don't know. I wish you did because then maybe you could help me, but no one does, no one can. I'm all by myself in this. I used to think I was a strong person and could handle any obstacle thrown at me, and maybe I was ... but I can't be strong when all obstacles are thrown at the same time.
I don't know anymore. I really don't. Maybe I do need professional help, like Judy said. I can't go on pretending I'm happy and living the high life.
Using Caroline as a model, "FACADES ARE FOR WIMPS!"
Sorry, sad attempt at cheering myself up.
It didn't work.
There was a time when I was happy and had someone loved me. But I had to be stupid and selfish and I had to throw away a perfectly good relationship. I think God hated me for what I did and used both him and my sister to pay me back for the harm I caused. This past summer was the best and the worst. I really want to help Emily, I really do. I love her so much and she has NO IDEA. I still love Wade too and I don't think he cares, which hurts. But then I tell myself, how did he feel when I did the same to him earlier this year? Why did I do it? Why did you guys LET ME do it? My life plummeted downhill after that. God, I wish I could go back to it. I really want it all back, the good and the bad because the bad is nothing compared to what I'm suffering right now.
Oh, go figure ... there just happens to be a song on this CD that is right to the point. I've never listened this far ...
"Sunday night, two weeks past, the last time I saw your face, our separate way we decided to go. Now I find myself sittin' down thinkin' 'bout everything. To this place we've come to how? ... There's no good in good-bye. That's a lie. I wish we could go back when we first met. Hard to forgive and forget. I wish that I could have you right here, next to me."
- Brian McKnight, "Lonely"
-Brian McKnight, "6, 8, 12"
Lauren had a mix CD in Yearbook today jam packed with sappy love songs, so, of course, I'm in the mood to listen to them when I get home. I bust out with my Brian McKnight. I forgot how beautiful a singer/writer/artist he is. And listening to these songs just makes me so incredibly depressed ... not just because of my love life (of which I have none thanks to me!) but just other things as well.
I don't think any of you understand what my life is doing to me right now. I feel so stretched out. I'm so tired, both physically and emotionally. I can't take any of this anymore. I need to get away from here ... so far away that I can forget everything that's happened because it's all too painful. And just knowing that soon I AM going to leave makes me upset too because I've made such great friends here and, once again, I'm going to have to leave you all behind, just like I have with all other friends I've made around the world.
I'm so tired, you guys. I'm tired of everything, of my family, sometimes of you, of life in general. It hurts so much, you don't know. I wish you did because then maybe you could help me, but no one does, no one can. I'm all by myself in this. I used to think I was a strong person and could handle any obstacle thrown at me, and maybe I was ... but I can't be strong when all obstacles are thrown at the same time.
I don't know anymore. I really don't. Maybe I do need professional help, like Judy said. I can't go on pretending I'm happy and living the high life.
Using Caroline as a model, "FACADES ARE FOR WIMPS!"
Sorry, sad attempt at cheering myself up.
It didn't work.
There was a time when I was happy and had someone loved me. But I had to be stupid and selfish and I had to throw away a perfectly good relationship. I think God hated me for what I did and used both him and my sister to pay me back for the harm I caused. This past summer was the best and the worst. I really want to help Emily, I really do. I love her so much and she has NO IDEA. I still love Wade too and I don't think he cares, which hurts. But then I tell myself, how did he feel when I did the same to him earlier this year? Why did I do it? Why did you guys LET ME do it? My life plummeted downhill after that. God, I wish I could go back to it. I really want it all back, the good and the bad because the bad is nothing compared to what I'm suffering right now.
Oh, go figure ... there just happens to be a song on this CD that is right to the point. I've never listened this far ...
"Sunday night, two weeks past, the last time I saw your face, our separate way we decided to go. Now I find myself sittin' down thinkin' 'bout everything. To this place we've come to how? ... There's no good in good-bye. That's a lie. I wish we could go back when we first met. Hard to forgive and forget. I wish that I could have you right here, next to me."
- Brian McKnight, "Lonely"