(no subject)
Things hit me in waves. Most of the time, I feel ok. Most of the time I focus on whatever it is that I am doing or that needs to get done for the day. I focus on my friends and good times and trying to actualize my plan of getting out of Bristol.
But then other times, a wave of depression hits me. Today was one of those days. And I don't even know why. It could be mostly the conversation I had with Alex. I basically had the epiphany that the reason he isn't seeing Christa anymore is because of Jesse. When I called him out on it he denied it at first but then admitted that she was at least part of the reason he wasn't seeing Christa anymore. That really hurt me, more than I knew at the time. I wasn't enough for him to stop seeing her. But this...girl - this girl he doesn't know, this girl that is my brother's ex, that is not at all me - SHE was the reason he stopped seeing Christa. Talk about a slap in the face.
It's just not fair, not right. He was so close to actually getting it right, to figuring it out. And then he just went and seemingly deliberately fucked it up again.
God, how do you just walk away from your soul mate? How do you cut them out like a tumor and knowingly let them throw away themselves, throw you away? How am I supposed to be that strong?? Where does a person get that kind of strength? The will to go, "Oh yah, I know you're the man I'm supposed to be with, and I know you are in love with me and feel the same way about me, but yah bye because you're too scared." It's like, I know I should walk away. I know that he only hurts me because he can only hurt himself. He's just self-destructive by nature. And since he and I are so connected, it hurts me too. I know this. But it doesn't change the fact that abandoning him is, obviously, the hardest thing I've ever had to do, since it's been 5 years and I still haven't done it.
What the hell am I supposed to get from all of this? How is this supposed to make me a better person? All I'm learning is that love isn't enough. That soul mates can fuck each other up worse than anyone else can. That it is not at all worth it. That I wish I had never met him in the first place. Maybe that's not true, I don't know. I do know that this sucks.
I CAN'T just cut him out. I can't just walk away. Not "won't". I literally can't. But I also can't keep living like this. I can't keep hoping and being crushed. I can't keep living on the scraps he throws to me. I can't keep watching the man I love lay down and die and drag me down with him.
Where the fuck does that leave me????
No really.
I'm asking.
What the fuck do I do?
But then other times, a wave of depression hits me. Today was one of those days. And I don't even know why. It could be mostly the conversation I had with Alex. I basically had the epiphany that the reason he isn't seeing Christa anymore is because of Jesse. When I called him out on it he denied it at first but then admitted that she was at least part of the reason he wasn't seeing Christa anymore. That really hurt me, more than I knew at the time. I wasn't enough for him to stop seeing her. But this...girl - this girl he doesn't know, this girl that is my brother's ex, that is not at all me - SHE was the reason he stopped seeing Christa. Talk about a slap in the face.
It's just not fair, not right. He was so close to actually getting it right, to figuring it out. And then he just went and seemingly deliberately fucked it up again.
God, how do you just walk away from your soul mate? How do you cut them out like a tumor and knowingly let them throw away themselves, throw you away? How am I supposed to be that strong?? Where does a person get that kind of strength? The will to go, "Oh yah, I know you're the man I'm supposed to be with, and I know you are in love with me and feel the same way about me, but yah bye because you're too scared." It's like, I know I should walk away. I know that he only hurts me because he can only hurt himself. He's just self-destructive by nature. And since he and I are so connected, it hurts me too. I know this. But it doesn't change the fact that abandoning him is, obviously, the hardest thing I've ever had to do, since it's been 5 years and I still haven't done it.
What the hell am I supposed to get from all of this? How is this supposed to make me a better person? All I'm learning is that love isn't enough. That soul mates can fuck each other up worse than anyone else can. That it is not at all worth it. That I wish I had never met him in the first place. Maybe that's not true, I don't know. I do know that this sucks.
I CAN'T just cut him out. I can't just walk away. Not "won't". I literally can't. But I also can't keep living like this. I can't keep hoping and being crushed. I can't keep living on the scraps he throws to me. I can't keep watching the man I love lay down and die and drag me down with him.
Where the fuck does that leave me????
No really.
I'm asking.
What the fuck do I do?