Life in General (or lets see how long Dayna can keep posting this time)
So I don't know how long it's been since I last posted (ok yes I do actually, it was April 24th and I just finishsed reading the post).
I think life has a vendetta against me or something. The last time I posted something awful had happened. And now I post again and its about the same. My memere's funeral happened and mom went. She's told me that ever since it's hard to keep her spirits up while at work and stuff like that. But she's getting along, which is good. While I still don't have a job *grumble grumble* not for lack of trying mind you...just having shit for luck in that department.
But the thing that really hit me hard. Was some news I got about two weeks ago now. My dad was in the hospital. Now, to all those who don't get why this is bad, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer a long while back and got one of his lungs removed. Then he moved to NewBrunswick after the divorce and has been living there ever since. We all knew he wouldn't have much longer to live. But you just never expect to have to realize that you're going to loose them so soon. Two weeks ago my mom caught me when I had gotten home with the news that he was in the hospital and they figured he wouldn't be coming out again...and if he did it wouldn't be for much longer.
"Dayna, your father is dying" Is about the gist I got from her that night. She was almost in tears and I found myself in shock. My good, high flying mood, plummetted(sp?). I went to the washroom and closed the door without another word. I just stood there with my hands over my ears and stared at a wall for a good twenty minutes. Then I came out after my mom nagged me that she wanted to talk.
We talked and I told her that I'd call him and talk to him but I wasn't going to see him. I love my dad...I 'm just not sure if I like him much. It's going to hurt like hell when I lose him, but I will get over it. I know this. It may sound horrible but it's true. He never spent that much time in my life...at least not with anything overly positive. I'm not angry with him at all, but I just can't bring myself to go see him.
Anyway. My mom decided to tell me that I should do what I thought was best and that as long as I had no regrets then she was ok with that. But I HAD to call him. Let me say right now that I wanted to hurt her a couple of times over the past little while because she kept guilting me and trying to get me to call him sooner than I was ready...and recently she even got angry at me that I didn't go see him in the hospital. Well fuck...that was a quick turn around on her part. Either way. She's on me to call him again because the first time I called him didn't seem to be long enough for her. Me and my dad have one thing in common. We don't talk much. I called him and tried to make small talk, but I had already told him what was going on...there wasn't much else I could think to tell him. And really, I still don't.
Yet she insists I call him again, and when he tries to get out of the conversation because it gets awkward to keep pushing him. Well I can't. I ended up in tears on the first try when I said that I loved him around the end of the call...I don't know if I can do it again. Hell, starting to sniffle and cry right now...which really really sucks.
I mean, what else am I going to say that I haven't already? I just want to yell at my mom sometimes when she says that I should do certain things. And I am rambling like there's no tomorrow is there? Heh.
I don't know if it's worth mentioning the good things. Lucky came for his yearly visit and that was good. We had a lot of fun and this time my mom even got to meet him. I got spoiled rotten and enjoyed every minute of it. (This was all before the Dad-news by the way) I have a katana (a real folded steel one and not one of the cheap knockoffs you find all over the place)
I've also been playing alot of World of Warcraft at my friend's store. We're on a PVP server Horde Guild called Stainless Steel and I have a 39- almost 40 Fire Mage. Fun stuff until I get killed by the other faction >_<
Kisa, I miss you lots. You have any plans for this christmas at all?
Ok...think I'm going to go watch anime. Later
I think life has a vendetta against me or something. The last time I posted something awful had happened. And now I post again and its about the same. My memere's funeral happened and mom went. She's told me that ever since it's hard to keep her spirits up while at work and stuff like that. But she's getting along, which is good. While I still don't have a job *grumble grumble* not for lack of trying mind you...just having shit for luck in that department.
But the thing that really hit me hard. Was some news I got about two weeks ago now. My dad was in the hospital. Now, to all those who don't get why this is bad, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer a long while back and got one of his lungs removed. Then he moved to NewBrunswick after the divorce and has been living there ever since. We all knew he wouldn't have much longer to live. But you just never expect to have to realize that you're going to loose them so soon. Two weeks ago my mom caught me when I had gotten home with the news that he was in the hospital and they figured he wouldn't be coming out again...and if he did it wouldn't be for much longer.
"Dayna, your father is dying" Is about the gist I got from her that night. She was almost in tears and I found myself in shock. My good, high flying mood, plummetted(sp?). I went to the washroom and closed the door without another word. I just stood there with my hands over my ears and stared at a wall for a good twenty minutes. Then I came out after my mom nagged me that she wanted to talk.
We talked and I told her that I'd call him and talk to him but I wasn't going to see him. I love my dad...I 'm just not sure if I like him much. It's going to hurt like hell when I lose him, but I will get over it. I know this. It may sound horrible but it's true. He never spent that much time in my life...at least not with anything overly positive. I'm not angry with him at all, but I just can't bring myself to go see him.
Anyway. My mom decided to tell me that I should do what I thought was best and that as long as I had no regrets then she was ok with that. But I HAD to call him. Let me say right now that I wanted to hurt her a couple of times over the past little while because she kept guilting me and trying to get me to call him sooner than I was ready...and recently she even got angry at me that I didn't go see him in the hospital. Well fuck...that was a quick turn around on her part. Either way. She's on me to call him again because the first time I called him didn't seem to be long enough for her. Me and my dad have one thing in common. We don't talk much. I called him and tried to make small talk, but I had already told him what was going on...there wasn't much else I could think to tell him. And really, I still don't.
Yet she insists I call him again, and when he tries to get out of the conversation because it gets awkward to keep pushing him. Well I can't. I ended up in tears on the first try when I said that I loved him around the end of the call...I don't know if I can do it again. Hell, starting to sniffle and cry right now...which really really sucks.
I mean, what else am I going to say that I haven't already? I just want to yell at my mom sometimes when she says that I should do certain things. And I am rambling like there's no tomorrow is there? Heh.
I don't know if it's worth mentioning the good things. Lucky came for his yearly visit and that was good. We had a lot of fun and this time my mom even got to meet him. I got spoiled rotten and enjoyed every minute of it. (This was all before the Dad-news by the way) I have a katana (a real folded steel one and not one of the cheap knockoffs you find all over the place)
I've also been playing alot of World of Warcraft at my friend's store. We're on a PVP server Horde Guild called Stainless Steel and I have a 39- almost 40 Fire Mage. Fun stuff until I get killed by the other faction >_<
Kisa, I miss you lots. You have any plans for this christmas at all?
Ok...think I'm going to go watch anime. Later