Lost Forever
Title: Lost Forever
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Ronnie Radke/Max Green (Escape the Fate)
Rating: Teen
Summary: I'll be waiting for you.
Warnings: Ripped Jeans, Letters, Coffins (Post Character Death)
Dedication: Taylor, that girl who doesn't have a livejournal that I ♥ because she's crazy and listens to me and knows that Caleb and Kyle are the best make out buddies in the world.
Beta: None
Disclaimer: If I own Ronnie, Max, Craig or one of the other nameless people in here then what am I doing here? Writing? I guess I don't own them then. Damn.
Summary: Something else that was started forever ago and finally finished. I love this, to be honest, although I don't think I'll be writing much ETF fanfiction. We'll see though. :D
Enjoy!
Ronnie had been through a lot of shit in his life. He knew what it was like to sink lower than low and to fuck up everything that he had ever known in his life, but this was just something that he didn’t understand. This was something that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, even if he had been a completely sane person.
Death wasn’t easy for him to deal with.
When the phone call had come through the High Desert State Prison, Ronnie hadn’t been expecting much. Hell, he wasn’t pleased to hear that the guy who had taken his band was calling him, but then again, he didn’t really care all that much anymore. The bitter hate had disappeared when he had fully sobered up, so it didn’t matter much to him.
He could clearly remember every word that had passed through that telephone call, and he remembered dropping the black, plastic piece of shit more than once as he tried to hold a semi-understandable conversation with Craig.
Even at his best, Ronnie wouldn’t have been able to do that. He had been shaking when he held that phone to his ear. The only line that really sticks out in his mind is Craig’s final sentence before he hung up. “I’m sorry Ronnie, but it happened; he’s gone.”
Three days later, the concept still hadn’t fully agreed with Ronnie. He’d hate to admit it, but he’d rather give his right lung than accept the fact that he’s gone. All he knew was that since the second Craig told him the news, Ronnie has fallen apart, and there’s nothing to do to fix it.
The prison gave him special privilege to get out for the day with an armed officer to go to the funeral. They delivered a suit to jail early that morning for Ronnie, but he refused to wear it, insisting that he’d kill him if he knew he was coming to his funeral in a suit. Instead, he asked for the grungy clothes that he had been picked up in to wear to the funeral, and lucky for him, they’d been washed.
Ronnie got dressed in his clothes slowly, absentmindedly almost as his cell mate was out with the rest of the guys on the field, playing basketball or whatnot. He caught a glimpse of outside as he walked across the empty 12x14 foot cell. His mind was rushing a million different directions, but none of them were the way he wanted to go, mostly because he didn’t know where he wanted his mind to go. He just wanted him back.
The guards came to get him at eight, and he followed them quietly, his face blank and stoic, hiding all emotions that were bouncing around in his brain. He knew that he had to stay strong, but he felt like he wasn’t able to, not right now. Man up or lose himself, that’s what he had been taught in prison so far, and that lesson was sticking out in his mind right now as he walked to the car they were taking him to the funeral in, shaking the entire time.
No one talked to him as they drove him to the funeral, and Ronnie was more than okay with that because it meant he didn’t have to try and keep calm. He kept his head down and his voice silent, his hands picking at the fraying jeans that he was wearing as he tried to distract himself from the reason why he had one day of freedom from his typical jail routine. His heart ached inside of his chest, but he pushed it aside, knowing that if he accepted the fact that he was hurting, then he’d break down.
When they pulled up to the funeral, Ronnie slowly got out after the officer let him out, and he bit down on the inside of his lip lightly as he heard the whispers start. Ronnie Radke was back for him. His normally gaunt and pale body was almost translucent looking and ghost-like under the shaded light that was peeking out between heavy clouds. The officer shoved Ronnie forward, and he stumbled as he began to walk over to where the funeral was taking place.
Craig spotted him soon after, and he came over to Ronnie, the smile that usually adorned his face absent. “Hey,” he said quietly as he looked at Ronnie. “I’m so sorry.” Ronnie nodded quietly, and he swallowed back the words that he wanted to speak, the questions that he wanted to ask. If he spoke, he’d crack, and he couldn’t fall apart. Ronnie Radke did not fall apart, especially not in public.
Craig placed a warm hand on his back and he led Ronnie to the front of the crowd of people in mourning over the loss of a dear friend, family member and now boyfriend. Ronnie shuddered a tiny bit as he closed his eyes, knowing that he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t go though this funeral and still remain quiet and emotionless, especially since he was now facing the coffin that held the only person he had ever loved.
The ceremony was short, and Ronnie was thankful for that. Craig had asked him if he wanted to say a few words, but Ronnie declined, shaking his head as he knew that the words he wanted to express were not ones that he could express. They would just make everything worse. The people dispersed, but Craig stayed behind with Ronnie as he stared at the coffin, feeling the calm front that he had cracking within seconds.
“This isn’t fair to anyone,” Craig told Ronnie gently as he looked at him. “This…this loss, it was too soon and he was too young.” Ronnie nodded in quiet agreement and he blinked rapidly, pushing back the tears that he refused to let fall. “Listen, when we were at his place…your place, we found something that he wanted to give to you.” Craig reached into his pocket and he pulled out a folded envelope. “I don’t know if he knew this was going to happen or what, but he left this behind for you.”
Ronnie took the envelope out of Craig’s hand with trembling fingers, and the second his fingers brushed across the paper, the tears began to fall. Memories came back to him, and as he held that envelope in his hands, Ronnie Radke fell apart, and Craig took care of him.
The man held Ronnie as he cried and he comforted him as best as he could despite the fact that there was no comfort available when one was standing in front of a coffin that was soon to be buried. Every feeling that had Ronnie had repressed over the past three days came flooding out, and the anger and sadness, confusion and understanding hit him all at once as he let out his feelings in the form of tears.
He calmed down soon enough though, and when he was back to his emotionless persona, he pulled away from Craig’s embrace and pocketed the envelope, deciding he would save it for when he got back to the jail. The two singers said their brief goodbyes and the armed officer that had been looming over Ronnie for the past few hours led him back to the car in silence.
The jail was quiet when Ronnie had returned, and he knew that the people who looked up to him and were buddies with him were staying silent in respect of what he had just been through. Ronnie ignored the few brief questions that people tried to ask him as he returned to his cell, and he curled up on the bed the second he could, his fingers tracing over the edges of the envelope.
He was scared to open it. He was so scared that inside of the envelope would be something that he never wanted to hear. An ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘This is all your fault.’ The worry ran through Ronnie’s mind, and as he decided if he wanted to open it or not, his shaky fingers were already picking at the envelope’s edges, opening the letter without hesitation.
He pulled out the sheet of paper inside and unfolded it, his eyes scanning the page as he read the letter, his heart pounding.
Ronnie,
You know I don’t know how the hell to write a letter, so this’ll probably be shit. Oh well. Uh, something’s going down tomorrow, and I’m scared because I can’t get out of it, and I think that I might not make it through this time, so I want to write this to you just in case.
I fucking love you Ronnie Radke, and I will forever. I know you already know that, but still…just wanted to put it somewhere permanent, somewhere where it couldn’t be erased or washed away. That’s why I used permanent sharpie!
Anyway, I just wanted to leave this to you in case anything happened, and if not then I guess I’ll just put it back on. I remember the day you bought it for me, and I remember when were deciding what we should get put on it, and I just can’t stop thinking about you when I feel it on my shin. It’s the part of you that I can always keep with me, even when you’re not around.
241 days until I see you again without having to leave when visiting hours are over. I can’t wait to have you back Ronnie. I miss you, and I love you, and don’t forget about me in there okay? I’ll be waiting for you.
Love,
Max
Ronnie was shaking as he dug into the envelope and pulled out a small, metal ring, and he broke down. This was the ring he had bought for Max when he told him he loved him for the very first time, and he remembered every single word that they had decided to get engraved on it. Max and Ronnie. Always together, never to part.
The tears fell fast and hard as he held the ring tightly in his hand, and he acknowledged it now. Max was gone, he was never coming back. Ronnie had just lost the love of his life, just as he had lost his own life. He had nothing to live for now.
He slipped the ring onto his finger, remembering how it was a perfect fit for the both of them, and he felt Max. He felt every memory that the two had ever shared overwhelming him, and with that, Ronnie Radke cried himself to sleep, dreaming about a boy that he would never see again.
The love of his life; lost forever.
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Ronnie Radke/Max Green (Escape the Fate)
Rating: Teen
Summary: I'll be waiting for you.
Warnings: Ripped Jeans, Letters, Coffins (Post Character Death)
Dedication: Taylor, that girl who doesn't have a livejournal that I ♥ because she's crazy and listens to me and knows that Caleb and Kyle are the best make out buddies in the world.
Beta: None
Disclaimer: If I own Ronnie, Max, Craig or one of the other nameless people in here then what am I doing here? Writing? I guess I don't own them then. Damn.
Summary: Something else that was started forever ago and finally finished. I love this, to be honest, although I don't think I'll be writing much ETF fanfiction. We'll see though. :D
Enjoy!
Ronnie had been through a lot of shit in his life. He knew what it was like to sink lower than low and to fuck up everything that he had ever known in his life, but this was just something that he didn’t understand. This was something that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, even if he had been a completely sane person.
Death wasn’t easy for him to deal with.
When the phone call had come through the High Desert State Prison, Ronnie hadn’t been expecting much. Hell, he wasn’t pleased to hear that the guy who had taken his band was calling him, but then again, he didn’t really care all that much anymore. The bitter hate had disappeared when he had fully sobered up, so it didn’t matter much to him.
He could clearly remember every word that had passed through that telephone call, and he remembered dropping the black, plastic piece of shit more than once as he tried to hold a semi-understandable conversation with Craig.
Even at his best, Ronnie wouldn’t have been able to do that. He had been shaking when he held that phone to his ear. The only line that really sticks out in his mind is Craig’s final sentence before he hung up. “I’m sorry Ronnie, but it happened; he’s gone.”
Three days later, the concept still hadn’t fully agreed with Ronnie. He’d hate to admit it, but he’d rather give his right lung than accept the fact that he’s gone. All he knew was that since the second Craig told him the news, Ronnie has fallen apart, and there’s nothing to do to fix it.
The prison gave him special privilege to get out for the day with an armed officer to go to the funeral. They delivered a suit to jail early that morning for Ronnie, but he refused to wear it, insisting that he’d kill him if he knew he was coming to his funeral in a suit. Instead, he asked for the grungy clothes that he had been picked up in to wear to the funeral, and lucky for him, they’d been washed.
Ronnie got dressed in his clothes slowly, absentmindedly almost as his cell mate was out with the rest of the guys on the field, playing basketball or whatnot. He caught a glimpse of outside as he walked across the empty 12x14 foot cell. His mind was rushing a million different directions, but none of them were the way he wanted to go, mostly because he didn’t know where he wanted his mind to go. He just wanted him back.
The guards came to get him at eight, and he followed them quietly, his face blank and stoic, hiding all emotions that were bouncing around in his brain. He knew that he had to stay strong, but he felt like he wasn’t able to, not right now. Man up or lose himself, that’s what he had been taught in prison so far, and that lesson was sticking out in his mind right now as he walked to the car they were taking him to the funeral in, shaking the entire time.
No one talked to him as they drove him to the funeral, and Ronnie was more than okay with that because it meant he didn’t have to try and keep calm. He kept his head down and his voice silent, his hands picking at the fraying jeans that he was wearing as he tried to distract himself from the reason why he had one day of freedom from his typical jail routine. His heart ached inside of his chest, but he pushed it aside, knowing that if he accepted the fact that he was hurting, then he’d break down.
When they pulled up to the funeral, Ronnie slowly got out after the officer let him out, and he bit down on the inside of his lip lightly as he heard the whispers start. Ronnie Radke was back for him. His normally gaunt and pale body was almost translucent looking and ghost-like under the shaded light that was peeking out between heavy clouds. The officer shoved Ronnie forward, and he stumbled as he began to walk over to where the funeral was taking place.
Craig spotted him soon after, and he came over to Ronnie, the smile that usually adorned his face absent. “Hey,” he said quietly as he looked at Ronnie. “I’m so sorry.” Ronnie nodded quietly, and he swallowed back the words that he wanted to speak, the questions that he wanted to ask. If he spoke, he’d crack, and he couldn’t fall apart. Ronnie Radke did not fall apart, especially not in public.
Craig placed a warm hand on his back and he led Ronnie to the front of the crowd of people in mourning over the loss of a dear friend, family member and now boyfriend. Ronnie shuddered a tiny bit as he closed his eyes, knowing that he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t go though this funeral and still remain quiet and emotionless, especially since he was now facing the coffin that held the only person he had ever loved.
The ceremony was short, and Ronnie was thankful for that. Craig had asked him if he wanted to say a few words, but Ronnie declined, shaking his head as he knew that the words he wanted to express were not ones that he could express. They would just make everything worse. The people dispersed, but Craig stayed behind with Ronnie as he stared at the coffin, feeling the calm front that he had cracking within seconds.
“This isn’t fair to anyone,” Craig told Ronnie gently as he looked at him. “This…this loss, it was too soon and he was too young.” Ronnie nodded in quiet agreement and he blinked rapidly, pushing back the tears that he refused to let fall. “Listen, when we were at his place…your place, we found something that he wanted to give to you.” Craig reached into his pocket and he pulled out a folded envelope. “I don’t know if he knew this was going to happen or what, but he left this behind for you.”
Ronnie took the envelope out of Craig’s hand with trembling fingers, and the second his fingers brushed across the paper, the tears began to fall. Memories came back to him, and as he held that envelope in his hands, Ronnie Radke fell apart, and Craig took care of him.
The man held Ronnie as he cried and he comforted him as best as he could despite the fact that there was no comfort available when one was standing in front of a coffin that was soon to be buried. Every feeling that had Ronnie had repressed over the past three days came flooding out, and the anger and sadness, confusion and understanding hit him all at once as he let out his feelings in the form of tears.
He calmed down soon enough though, and when he was back to his emotionless persona, he pulled away from Craig’s embrace and pocketed the envelope, deciding he would save it for when he got back to the jail. The two singers said their brief goodbyes and the armed officer that had been looming over Ronnie for the past few hours led him back to the car in silence.
The jail was quiet when Ronnie had returned, and he knew that the people who looked up to him and were buddies with him were staying silent in respect of what he had just been through. Ronnie ignored the few brief questions that people tried to ask him as he returned to his cell, and he curled up on the bed the second he could, his fingers tracing over the edges of the envelope.
He was scared to open it. He was so scared that inside of the envelope would be something that he never wanted to hear. An ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘This is all your fault.’ The worry ran through Ronnie’s mind, and as he decided if he wanted to open it or not, his shaky fingers were already picking at the envelope’s edges, opening the letter without hesitation.
He pulled out the sheet of paper inside and unfolded it, his eyes scanning the page as he read the letter, his heart pounding.
Ronnie,
You know I don’t know how the hell to write a letter, so this’ll probably be shit. Oh well. Uh, something’s going down tomorrow, and I’m scared because I can’t get out of it, and I think that I might not make it through this time, so I want to write this to you just in case.
I fucking love you Ronnie Radke, and I will forever. I know you already know that, but still…just wanted to put it somewhere permanent, somewhere where it couldn’t be erased or washed away. That’s why I used permanent sharpie!
Anyway, I just wanted to leave this to you in case anything happened, and if not then I guess I’ll just put it back on. I remember the day you bought it for me, and I remember when were deciding what we should get put on it, and I just can’t stop thinking about you when I feel it on my shin. It’s the part of you that I can always keep with me, even when you’re not around.
241 days until I see you again without having to leave when visiting hours are over. I can’t wait to have you back Ronnie. I miss you, and I love you, and don’t forget about me in there okay? I’ll be waiting for you.
Love,
Max
Ronnie was shaking as he dug into the envelope and pulled out a small, metal ring, and he broke down. This was the ring he had bought for Max when he told him he loved him for the very first time, and he remembered every single word that they had decided to get engraved on it. Max and Ronnie. Always together, never to part.
The tears fell fast and hard as he held the ring tightly in his hand, and he acknowledged it now. Max was gone, he was never coming back. Ronnie had just lost the love of his life, just as he had lost his own life. He had nothing to live for now.
He slipped the ring onto his finger, remembering how it was a perfect fit for the both of them, and he felt Max. He felt every memory that the two had ever shared overwhelming him, and with that, Ronnie Radke cried himself to sleep, dreaming about a boy that he would never see again.
The love of his life; lost forever.