Slipping From My Grip Five
Title: Slipping From My Grip
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat (All Time Low)
Rating: Teen
Summary: I'm losing him, but I can't lose him. I have to bring him back.
Warnings: Discussion of angsty thoughts, fail!first person
Dedication: This one to lifeisafantasy2 because I've been awake all night thanks to her, she inspires me, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even All Time Low (unless she was secretly in them and didn't tell me. In that case, PLUS!)
Disclaimer: If I owned Jack Barakat, he'd be fixing the Alex Gaskarth that I don't own.
Author's Notes: Half asleep. Just scribbled this down in five minutes after having a five day block on this thing. So sorry it's been so long guys. This week has been absolutely horrid and I'm working on getting back to normal. Anyway, enjoy. First Person of Barakitten.
He’s letting go. I can tell. He thinks that I don’t realize that he’s sneaking around behind my back all the time, using methods that he’s learned from Jeffree to get rid of the food that I try to get him to eat. He’s given in to this whirlwind of destruction, and I can’t seem to pull him away from it. Everything is just hitting home fast, and I know that this is what he wants, but I can’t have it happen. No matter what, I want to find a way to save him from himself, but he doesn’t want to be saved. The eating disorder has taken control over him, and he’s lost himself to it willingly at this point.
I’m lost at a way to help him. I don’t know how to get him back to the beautiful boy that he once was. He’s scaring me now, and he and I both know that his isn’t right. He’s beyond caring now though, and he doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that I’m there, trying to help him. Everything to him is just a game, including life, and I’m sick of playing it. I don’t want to have to spend every single day struggling to make him seek reason anymore, and I don’t want to have to force feed him or hospitalize him. I think I might just go back to my hands-off approach. That seemed to be better than this…this complete failure.
I hear him whispering to ‘Ana’ about how successful he’s been, how he’s come so far and he can only go up. It disturbs me, and I don’t know how to make this better. Rian and Zack both agree that he’s so far gone that we can’t reach him anymore, but I don’t want to admit defeat. I don’t want to give up on him, but it feels like there’s no other choice. I’m losing the only boy I’ve ever loved, and kills me, because he’s the only person I’ll ever love, and I know that that’s true, even if he still doesn’t fucking realize how much I love him.
These past few years have been tough. The breakdown started when he lost his brother. That was the day he stopped eating, and it was then that he realized that eating only makes the feelings worse, not better. It took me the better part of that year to talk him out of this eating disorder he had slipped into, ‘Ana’ he called it. This pretty girl who was a goddess and only visited him in his dreams, whispering instructions that defined perfection into his ear, and he followed them too.
I got him away from ‘Ana’ and he went straight over to ‘Mia.’ It frustrated me back as a teenager as to how much he obsessed over these two girls who suddenly had a control over his life that no one else could try to break. He was living in a lie, and I was living in hell. We both knew that it wasn’t safe for him to keep on going like that, and he recovered after months upon months of therapy, pills and professional help. That was the first time he had ever done this, and now it’s back.
It’s worse this time too. He’s settled on both ‘Ana’ and ‘Mia’ at the same time, and they both whisper those instructions that he follows without a doubt. He’s lost to their delusion of a perfect world, and he’s so desperate to get there that I can’t stop him. I find blood in the toilet and I know that no one shit out blood recently or brought a girl on the bus. I know that’s his body giving out on him, and he doesn’t realize nor care that it’s happening. He’s completely and utterly happy with wasting away into “perfection” as he calls it, and I can’t see him do this to himself.
I tried to fix it. I tried to make it better and make him see reason, but he doesn’t want to see anything that isn’t a toilet, an empty plate that he didn’t have to eat off of or thinsporation (I know far too much about these things now). It’s terrifying to me because I can’t make him understand that I fucking love him and want what’s best for him, and this destructive attack on his body, it’s not what’s best for him. It’s everything that’s horrid for him. He’s letting this thing rot his flesh and melt away his body, and he doesn’t want help fixing himself. He’s completely and perfectly happy with turning into the empty shell that’s headed for death that he is, and that makes me break down inside and out.
There is so much that I wish I could explain to him so that he would realize that this isn’t what he wants or needs, but the second I attempt to start a conversation about it, he gives me a look that basically tells me to stop caring so much and just let him live, and I’m about to do that. I love him, and I want what’s best for him, but he wants this, and he’s not going to deviate from his path to give a shit as to the fact that I can’t lose him. He’s on a set course to a place where I won’t be able to help him, and It’s beyond me to go and rescue him when he doesn’t want to be rescued.
I’ve quit being his friend, parent and lover all in one. I can’t do it anymore. I’ll still be there for him, but I can’t force myself to worry about every single thing that he’s said to me about how much he loves ‘Ana’ and ‘Mia’ and how he wishes he never, ever had to part with them. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear those words, and I can’t fix it or change it so I’m just going to admit defeat. I’m going to ignore his words of pleasure in the pain, and I’m going to let him be, live his life the way he wants to.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take care of a person who doesn’t want to be taken care of, and I’ve explained this to Rian over and over through fits of tears and whatever other shit that I do when I’m confused, and he understands. I just need to get away from everything that’s overwhelming me right now, and one of those things are him and his problems.
Just give me a week and I’ll be sane enough to deal with him, but for right now, I’m done. I’m done.
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth/Jack Barakat (All Time Low)
Rating: Teen
Summary: I'm losing him, but I can't lose him. I have to bring him back.
Warnings: Discussion of angsty thoughts, fail!first person
Dedication: This one to lifeisafantasy2 because I've been awake all night thanks to her, she inspires me, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Not even All Time Low (unless she was secretly in them and didn't tell me. In that case, PLUS!)
Disclaimer: If I owned Jack Barakat, he'd be fixing the Alex Gaskarth that I don't own.
Author's Notes: Half asleep. Just scribbled this down in five minutes after having a five day block on this thing. So sorry it's been so long guys. This week has been absolutely horrid and I'm working on getting back to normal. Anyway, enjoy. First Person of Barakitten.
He’s letting go. I can tell. He thinks that I don’t realize that he’s sneaking around behind my back all the time, using methods that he’s learned from Jeffree to get rid of the food that I try to get him to eat. He’s given in to this whirlwind of destruction, and I can’t seem to pull him away from it. Everything is just hitting home fast, and I know that this is what he wants, but I can’t have it happen. No matter what, I want to find a way to save him from himself, but he doesn’t want to be saved. The eating disorder has taken control over him, and he’s lost himself to it willingly at this point.
I’m lost at a way to help him. I don’t know how to get him back to the beautiful boy that he once was. He’s scaring me now, and he and I both know that his isn’t right. He’s beyond caring now though, and he doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that I’m there, trying to help him. Everything to him is just a game, including life, and I’m sick of playing it. I don’t want to have to spend every single day struggling to make him seek reason anymore, and I don’t want to have to force feed him or hospitalize him. I think I might just go back to my hands-off approach. That seemed to be better than this…this complete failure.
I hear him whispering to ‘Ana’ about how successful he’s been, how he’s come so far and he can only go up. It disturbs me, and I don’t know how to make this better. Rian and Zack both agree that he’s so far gone that we can’t reach him anymore, but I don’t want to admit defeat. I don’t want to give up on him, but it feels like there’s no other choice. I’m losing the only boy I’ve ever loved, and kills me, because he’s the only person I’ll ever love, and I know that that’s true, even if he still doesn’t fucking realize how much I love him.
These past few years have been tough. The breakdown started when he lost his brother. That was the day he stopped eating, and it was then that he realized that eating only makes the feelings worse, not better. It took me the better part of that year to talk him out of this eating disorder he had slipped into, ‘Ana’ he called it. This pretty girl who was a goddess and only visited him in his dreams, whispering instructions that defined perfection into his ear, and he followed them too.
I got him away from ‘Ana’ and he went straight over to ‘Mia.’ It frustrated me back as a teenager as to how much he obsessed over these two girls who suddenly had a control over his life that no one else could try to break. He was living in a lie, and I was living in hell. We both knew that it wasn’t safe for him to keep on going like that, and he recovered after months upon months of therapy, pills and professional help. That was the first time he had ever done this, and now it’s back.
It’s worse this time too. He’s settled on both ‘Ana’ and ‘Mia’ at the same time, and they both whisper those instructions that he follows without a doubt. He’s lost to their delusion of a perfect world, and he’s so desperate to get there that I can’t stop him. I find blood in the toilet and I know that no one shit out blood recently or brought a girl on the bus. I know that’s his body giving out on him, and he doesn’t realize nor care that it’s happening. He’s completely and utterly happy with wasting away into “perfection” as he calls it, and I can’t see him do this to himself.
I tried to fix it. I tried to make it better and make him see reason, but he doesn’t want to see anything that isn’t a toilet, an empty plate that he didn’t have to eat off of or thinsporation (I know far too much about these things now). It’s terrifying to me because I can’t make him understand that I fucking love him and want what’s best for him, and this destructive attack on his body, it’s not what’s best for him. It’s everything that’s horrid for him. He’s letting this thing rot his flesh and melt away his body, and he doesn’t want help fixing himself. He’s completely and perfectly happy with turning into the empty shell that’s headed for death that he is, and that makes me break down inside and out.
There is so much that I wish I could explain to him so that he would realize that this isn’t what he wants or needs, but the second I attempt to start a conversation about it, he gives me a look that basically tells me to stop caring so much and just let him live, and I’m about to do that. I love him, and I want what’s best for him, but he wants this, and he’s not going to deviate from his path to give a shit as to the fact that I can’t lose him. He’s on a set course to a place where I won’t be able to help him, and It’s beyond me to go and rescue him when he doesn’t want to be rescued.
I’ve quit being his friend, parent and lover all in one. I can’t do it anymore. I’ll still be there for him, but I can’t force myself to worry about every single thing that he’s said to me about how much he loves ‘Ana’ and ‘Mia’ and how he wishes he never, ever had to part with them. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear those words, and I can’t fix it or change it so I’m just going to admit defeat. I’m going to ignore his words of pleasure in the pain, and I’m going to let him be, live his life the way he wants to.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take care of a person who doesn’t want to be taken care of, and I’ve explained this to Rian over and over through fits of tears and whatever other shit that I do when I’m confused, and he understands. I just need to get away from everything that’s overwhelming me right now, and one of those things are him and his problems.
Just give me a week and I’ll be sane enough to deal with him, but for right now, I’m done. I’m done.