Solitude in Evansville
Working out is the only thing that keeps me sane. Yesterday, after the final set of children's concerts, I took a nap, and then I woke up and worked out in the Athletic club of the hotel. It's totally randomly placed, on the 8th floor of the parking garage. But it's sweet. Really huge, with 4 or so indoor tennis courts even. Ran and did some weights. And the evening rehearsal went from unbearable to bearable, even though I made tons of mistakes and was really slow. I feel bad, I'm sitting on the outside by the stage, and Chris McKay, former principal of Evansville Phil, is my stand partner. ALthough, I was so into perusing the internet after I worked out, that I was 2 minutes late to the rehearsal. Ouch. But since I worked out, it wasn't nearly as bad recovering from the misstep.
A few days ago I called Uncle Ramesh and told him I was not interested in doing music anymore. His happiness for my decision outweighed his chastising by far. He first recommended I go into dentistry, but that would require 2 years of remedial studies before 4 years of dental school before another 2 years of residency for specialty, so then he decided I should go into law. Me, law school? If I were to do that I'd be interested in Intellectual Property law or Environmental law, but I'm not sure if I see myself doing something like that. Ramesh is really into making money. He's highly successful. Coming from Nepal with nothing, he went to UConn dental school, did a residency for endodontics at NYU, and is now running his private practice in Charlotte, NC. He owns 3 office buildings, has dentists working under him, he owns 2+ condos including the one he lives in, he owns and he owns his own institute teaching general practitioners endodontics and the like technology by conducting seminars around the world. He started dental school around 1993, so this has happened very quickly. He has very high expectations for me, and knows that I am very smart, and that I am capable of being very successful.
I don't know. Right now, I am in a period of annoying malaise. I have been spending lots of hours online, investigating options of what to do with myself after I leave music school. I didn't sleep last night much. My typing even annoyed my hotel roommate Gina. My peace corps dream might not pan out, turns out. They definitely reject people who have been hospitalized for depression within the past year, and they also reject people with recurrent depression. Which rules me out. My mother keeps telling me that depression is like any physical illness, like diabetes or heart condition, and that many people have this problem. It just sucks, that's all. There are little things like that that bring me down. But if I think about it, 2 years in a foreign country potentially without access to a psychiatrist... it wouldn't work out. Part of me really wants to get off my meds and stay off. God, when I was off my meds, even though I was wreck, I was feeling feelings, and they were so intense and happy, it was like being high, and everything that people were feeling I felt too and the world just made sense. Being on meds makes me very dead, and I am resentful that those feelings are gone. But it's a price to pay for stability. But my dream is to be off meds one day. Who knows if it will ever happen.
Instead of the Peace Corps, I found out about this thing called Will Work On Organic Farms. wwoof.org. Also helpx.net. They're websites that farmers, B&B runners, etc, post on, looking for people to work on their farms or businesses in exchange for room and board. Period of work can be from a week to a year or more. Lots of people are into yoga and holistic health, etc. Some ads had interesting projects, like HIV/AIDS awareness in Kenya, or teaching English in China. That could be great, and resume building too. WIthout the time commitment of peace corps, but doing the same type work. Or farming, that could be cool too. The arrangement is really laid back too. You buy membership, and then contact the people directly and then you're off after you get your visa.
I tell my mom that I want to travel the world, and, bless her, she says "Well, you know, I just worry." About world terrorism, etc. That's normal. My soft spot for criticism takes it to heart and thinks "Well, maybe I shouldn't go out because then you won't have to worry." But... I'm living my own life.
I went back to bloomington to get my wallet and stuff on Wednesday, but when I did I failed to get my debit card so I still have no money. So I've been laying low the whole time, living off the free doughnuts they give in the morning rehearsals. Great. At least I'm not eating all day and I'm surviving. But it's really unhealthy. Oh well.
Gotta go, don't want to be late to this rehearsal as well.
A few days ago I called Uncle Ramesh and told him I was not interested in doing music anymore. His happiness for my decision outweighed his chastising by far. He first recommended I go into dentistry, but that would require 2 years of remedial studies before 4 years of dental school before another 2 years of residency for specialty, so then he decided I should go into law. Me, law school? If I were to do that I'd be interested in Intellectual Property law or Environmental law, but I'm not sure if I see myself doing something like that. Ramesh is really into making money. He's highly successful. Coming from Nepal with nothing, he went to UConn dental school, did a residency for endodontics at NYU, and is now running his private practice in Charlotte, NC. He owns 3 office buildings, has dentists working under him, he owns 2+ condos including the one he lives in, he owns and he owns his own institute teaching general practitioners endodontics and the like technology by conducting seminars around the world. He started dental school around 1993, so this has happened very quickly. He has very high expectations for me, and knows that I am very smart, and that I am capable of being very successful.
I don't know. Right now, I am in a period of annoying malaise. I have been spending lots of hours online, investigating options of what to do with myself after I leave music school. I didn't sleep last night much. My typing even annoyed my hotel roommate Gina. My peace corps dream might not pan out, turns out. They definitely reject people who have been hospitalized for depression within the past year, and they also reject people with recurrent depression. Which rules me out. My mother keeps telling me that depression is like any physical illness, like diabetes or heart condition, and that many people have this problem. It just sucks, that's all. There are little things like that that bring me down. But if I think about it, 2 years in a foreign country potentially without access to a psychiatrist... it wouldn't work out. Part of me really wants to get off my meds and stay off. God, when I was off my meds, even though I was wreck, I was feeling feelings, and they were so intense and happy, it was like being high, and everything that people were feeling I felt too and the world just made sense. Being on meds makes me very dead, and I am resentful that those feelings are gone. But it's a price to pay for stability. But my dream is to be off meds one day. Who knows if it will ever happen.
Instead of the Peace Corps, I found out about this thing called Will Work On Organic Farms. wwoof.org. Also helpx.net. They're websites that farmers, B&B runners, etc, post on, looking for people to work on their farms or businesses in exchange for room and board. Period of work can be from a week to a year or more. Lots of people are into yoga and holistic health, etc. Some ads had interesting projects, like HIV/AIDS awareness in Kenya, or teaching English in China. That could be great, and resume building too. WIthout the time commitment of peace corps, but doing the same type work. Or farming, that could be cool too. The arrangement is really laid back too. You buy membership, and then contact the people directly and then you're off after you get your visa.
I tell my mom that I want to travel the world, and, bless her, she says "Well, you know, I just worry." About world terrorism, etc. That's normal. My soft spot for criticism takes it to heart and thinks "Well, maybe I shouldn't go out because then you won't have to worry." But... I'm living my own life.
I went back to bloomington to get my wallet and stuff on Wednesday, but when I did I failed to get my debit card so I still have no money. So I've been laying low the whole time, living off the free doughnuts they give in the morning rehearsals. Great. At least I'm not eating all day and I'm surviving. But it's really unhealthy. Oh well.
Gotta go, don't want to be late to this rehearsal as well.