Just need to vent...
I've been in a bad place lately. I think it is because I never learnt how to make friends or keep them. I know how to be a friend, that part is easy to me I give 100% of myself to being a friend..But only if that person reaches out to me. If not I have no idea if they even are my friend if they hate me, what they like and don't like to talk about. Nothing. I'm never the one to ask to chat or ask for a number or any of the other things that come so normally to most. I have all the social graces of a drunk elephant and I have really bad social fears to the level where I'm sometimes afraid to leave the house if something bad happened two days ago.
I say very up front things, but I never mean them in the way most people understand them.
This isn't to say that I never learn, if someone tells me things directly I never do whatever hurts them ever again. If I am your friend I am such with a fierce loyalty that never goes away. So when other people get other friends and grow together here I am still, wondering why they don't call, or say hi or...It may seem like I'm being dramatic for its own sake or to make people feel sorry for me but that is never the case. I don't want sympathy, I don't want to be better than anyone, I just want to be remembered even a little bit. Because I feel like the worst any human can give another is silence.
Maybe I just miss my ex, maybe I'm feeling down about my writing ability, maybe I'm just having a bad year. I dunno I just don't anymore.